It’s time to talk about last night’s Bachelor “Hometown Date” episode, and my heart is heavy. Sean visits the homes of four different women in four different states. Here’s the lesson we learn about our hero this week: Sean is a man who does not like to be questioned and women who exhibit something called “independence” need not apply to be his wife. Let’s get on with this, shall we?
Houston. AshLee and Sean meet in a freshly mowed lot in Atascocita. (Or a master-planned neighborhood of some sort.) After the required 4.2 minutes of making out, Sean asks what he should expect when meeting the family. She mentions that her father is a pastor, and Sean is like, “NO WAY! My dad is a pastor, too.” Doesn’t it feel like that should have come up previously? Keep in mind, this woman has already proclaimed her love for Sean. Small talk is apparently not Sean’s bag. Anyway, after rolling around in the grass, they head for the house.
Immediately after introducing Sean to her folks, AshLee begins regaling her poor parents with details about the time she and Sean spent rolling around in the sand on their last outing. Mr. and Mrs. Pastor do not look thrilled. Mrs. Pastor takes Sean aside and warns that AshLee’s heart is fragile. “What are your intentions for AshLee?” she asks. “Are you going to break her heart?” It is also revealed that AshLee was in five different foster homes in one year. My God. Get this poor woman off this show. It’s too much.
Anyway, Sean asks Mr. Pastor for permission to marry his daughter. Dad says fine. AshLee closes with “I love this man so much. I don’t want to wait a long time… I want to marry this man.” I have a bad feeling.
Seattle. Catherine wears lots of rings and rocks a nose ring. She’s so Singles. (I live my life like a French movie, Steve.) She and Sean meet in the fish market and they throw fish while a huge crowd watches. “No matter where Catherine and I are, we always laugh,” Sean says. And despite the stink of the woman Sean kissed just hours before and/or the fish, Catherine remarks that she likes the way Sean smells and his big beefy arms. Seems like good stuff to focus on when choosing a person to marry.
Catherine and Sean arrive at her family’s house. (“It’s a cute house,” Sean remarks.) Catherine’s mom, grandmother, and two sisters are waiting inside. After egg rolls are served, Sean does some pushups while one of Catherine’s sister sits on his back. (I know it seems like I made up everything in that sentence, but I did not.) Despite the tricks, Catherine’s sisters are not sure about Sean. “I feel like you’re trying to convince us to like him,” her older sister remarks.
From there, the girls have a talk with Sean about Catherine. They tell him about their sister. She’s messy; she needs someone who can handle her moods; she’s not ready to have kids; she wants someone who supports all of her dreams; she wants to have fun. None of these are faults by the way. I think this could describe most of us. But Sean is perplexed.
Could he really marry someone who dares to dream about more than marrying his beefy arms? Who knows? He asks Catherine’s mom for permission just in case he decides he can. Mom says that she wants her daughter to remain true to herself. Mom remains skeptical and doesn’t seem down with it. I love Catherine’s family.
Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Sean feels pretty confident that Lindsay is ready to get married. What he didn’t know was how eager her parents are to get the show on the road. Lindsay is 24, and her mother asserts that the kid is ready to get married and have babies already. Her father, the general, not only gives Sean his blessing, he also gifts him with some dog tags. I know I’m not telling you much about this date, but there’s not much to tell. Mom collects plates; there’s a gun rack in the living room; and Lindsay is regressing. She talks like a baby all the time. (“Wanna get a cupcake?”) Remember when she was the drunk who showed up in a wedding dress? I like that lady better.
Los Angeles. After arriving in LA, Sean and Des go for a hike. And by hike, I mean they make out while wearing boots. Sean also gives a shout out to an “awesome trail that runs through the heart of Dallas.”
Night falls, and the couple returns to Chateau de Des to begin preparing supper for her family. Suddenly, the doorbell rings and a bad actor pretends to love Des and proclaims that he wants her back. Don’t worry, guys. Des is just pranking Sean. Yay!
Guess who isn’t pranking Sean? Des’ brother, a man with a tattoo around his neck and the ability to call it like he sees it. Des’ parents are ready to sign off on the union, no questions asked. Des’ brother says not so fast. He tells Sean that he would like to “holler at him real fast.” And that’s when Des starts to sweat.
Outside the brother asks Sean pretty sane questions. “Are you really that into her?” Sean assures him that he is. “You don’t know which one you’re going to choose yet?” Sean replies that he doesn’t know which one is going to be laid down on his heart yet.
Unlike me, the brother did not groan after the “laid down on my heart” business. He instead calls Sean a playboy. This was the only interesting part of the show. Sean is positively indignant. He is appalled that anyone would dare question his televised game show quest to find true love. (Again. Remember, this is his second appearance in the franchise.)
Rose ceremony. Obviously, Sean does not like to be questioned. So despite Desiree’s tears, apologies, and mortification, she is banished forever.