Sorry for the radio silence. Life has been hectic, but thankfully, the women of Big Rich Texas are reliable with their mind-numbing drama. I managed to sneak in the last two episodes, and the ladies displayed quite a bit of sass for the seasons sayonara. This was a bipolar season with sworn enemies reuniting, crystal tossing, and a fair share of slapping, so let’s have one last discussion of Texas’ finest train wreck.
Perhaps the biggest news to happen in the past two episodes was not one, but TWO engagements. That’s right, the battling blondes are getting hitched. Booger and Paul decided to put a ring on it and popped the question to the two “ladies.” Booger asked for Whit’s hand on stage at a bar (classy), and Paul got down on one knee in the botanical gardens after three weeks of dating. (No, she isn’t pregnant.)
But someone else is. Word over on the Style Network is that Wacko Whitney is with child. Let’s all hope she drops the drinking and leaves the baby voices to her real baby. Maybe she will even overhaul that crappy attitude. But most importantly, who else is biting at the bit to see Bonnie as a grandmother? Let’s just hope she doesn’t confuse her Botox stash for baby formula.
Leslie had a fall from grace at the end of the season. You know, since she was so prestigious at the start. She started season three at odds with Melissa, and ended as the nemesis of every middle-aged momma on the show. Her bachelorette trip dipped to disaster when word got out that she filed an “incident report” against Jason. (Is she seriously scared of Jason? Dude looks like he is 13 years old with facial hair.) And then all hell broke loose when Leslie started toting around a bodyguard (whom I swear was in the Ocean’s Eleven franchise). But she tried to reclaim her reputation with Cindy in the last five minutes by offering her results of a polygraph test that proved she didn’t start a rumor. Really? Who goes and does a voluntary polygraph test? Seems like Life’s A Pageant needs more business.
Whitney, well, is pretty much the same, with the addition of wedding planning and a bun in the oven. Her crude mouth, charming attitude, and growing number of piercings captured the audience from day one, and she still hasn’t let us down. Her season-opening tattoo, “Mayhem,” really captured her essence this season. One of her last scenes was showing her true colors and confronting Kalyn for stealing her thunder with a double engagement. She started the season acting like a 9-year-old and ended it on the same note. Thanks for the consistency, Whit!
Whit’s predictability was offset by Kalyn’s rapid changes. She started off getting fired for flirting with the help, and ended a baptized, taken woman. She was dunked in a pool in all white, made amends with her father, and left the stables behind. And let’s not forget that UTI she still claims she got from Whitney. But by season’s close, she actually seemed mature and over the petty drama. Maybe Kalyn can indeed escape to Jersey with Paul to avoid getting dragged down by Les.
After Melissa and Leslie called a truce in the club’s locker room, Melissa lost a lot of her spark. She spent most of the season trying to skirt drama and concentrating on her swimsuit cover-up line (that debuted to a teeny tiny crowd). Although I was relieved to not have to listen to anymore Fashionista drama, I do kind of miss her spunk. Here’s to hoping season four brings out her darker side.
Connie went from a wide-eyed wallflower to an enormously loud, cussing-maniac. I think she said 13 words all season, but that all changed on Sunday night when she yelled that Leslie is a “disgrace to our family.” And then she kept yelling, and kept yelling, even after Leslie left. Her eyes looked like she might shoot rockets from them as she yelled that she wanted to use Leslie’s polygraph as toilet paper. There’s a mental image. Thanks, Connie.
Bonnie seems to still like the Botox, and hate Leslie. Although they tried to patch their friendship this season, it doesn’t seem like it worked. Bonnie’s final words let us know where she all stands with Leslie. “I hereby evict her from the state of Texas,” she said. She does have a PhD, so she has the power to do that, right? Bon’s excited for Whitney’s engagement (even if Jason isn’t), and declared that she HAS to pay for the wedding, but Whit refused. There’s a fight you don’t usually hear. Those two are always keeping us on our toes.
Deaynni seems to have retired the boxing gloves to concentrate on planning the club’s social events and giving a toothy grin to every situation. Oh, and don’t forget the sexual innuendos. She seems to spin everything she can into something sexual, whether she’s on Bourbon Street or in a vacant house.
Cindy is, well, still drinking. She started the season getting tanked with Nikki, and ended it at the bar. Her friendship with Leslie suffered some serious blows after Leslie evidently started a rumor (which it totally seems like Connie was the one that actually started it), but there’s nothing a little gin and tonic can’t cure. Right, Cindy? She tried to shed some tears on Sunday but that Dr. A really worked some magic on her. Her forehead of stone showed no movement as she tried to turn on her Botox sprinklers.
So a lot has changed this season, but one thing has remained a constant: everything is bigger in our fair state, including these ladies’ knack for drama in even the smallest of situations. The big question of everyone’s mind (or just mine): will Leslie return next season, or will she go crawling back to Cali? We already lost a drama propeller when we said goodbye to Pam; can the show survive saying goodbye to Leslie’s antics as well?
Other things I want answered:
Where is Rip? His name was noticeably silent at the end of the season.
Who is Paul, anyway? Homeboy came out of left field.
Did Connie actually use Leslie’s polygraph in the restroom?
And that’s it for season three. Any guesses on what these ladies will bring to the table in the New Year?