I decided to kick things up a notch last night and challenged myself to take a drink every time someone mentioned Kalyn’s UTI. I had to forgo my mission fifteen minutes in for the sake of work this morning. It was that bad. Cheers.
The episode starts with Leslie returning home from last week’s party but her nun hood is mysteriously missing. She confronts Kalyn about her promiscuous ways because Cindy has informed Leslie that you can get UTIs from sex. (Did Cindy really have to confirm that tid bit for you?)
Leslie then goes into a sex talk with Kalyn.
“Think about you and men,” she says.
Leslie, that is a vision NO ONE wants to think about.
Kalyn tries her hardest to squeeze out some tears but her eyes just aren’t having it so she chokes out another excuse instead.
Leslie’s motherly advice for the wayward Kalyn?
Pee right after sex. It prevents UTIs.
If that’s not motherly guidance, I don’t know what is…
Over on the golf course, Connie has her own thoughts about Kalyn’s UTI. (Seriously, why is everyone still talking about this? It’s being treated like a member of the cast.) Connie laughs about Kalyn’s “stress” excuse and says if stress caused UTIs then half of Dallas would have them.
She’s got a point.
Meanwhile, Melissa, Cindy, and Leslie get together for some much needed pampering.
“It’s that time again for a little Botox,” says Cindy
“You mean Monday?” says Alex.
Best response ever. I like this girl.
Cindy has some advice of her own for Leslie.
“Why don’t you just get her a bag of condoms and spermicide?” she says.
Great thinking, Cindy. How many gin and tonics did it take for you to come up with that gem?
Over at Bonnie’s, Whitney shows up bearing gifts and the mere mention has Bonnie giggling like a schoolgirl. Her excitement is quickly shattered when the “present” is a bag of laundry and a hungry belly.
That Whitney, such a tease.
Bonnie wants to meet Brandon’s parents (I liked it better when we called Booger so I’m going to stick with that), but Whitney and her bow tie are skeptical.
Back at Leslies’, her forehead is solid as stone so she moves onto her next chore: going through Kalyn’s lingerie. After they find one too many lacey delicates, Leslie realizes there is an issue at hand.
Really, Leslie? You picked up on a problem by looking at Lacey bras but not the emergency room visit?
“I just wonder about your moral compass,” she says. “You’ve developed a little bit of a reputation- a reputation of being a slut.”
Ouch. Don’t sugar coat it.
Leslie decides she wants to be the best godmother she can be and of course the only way to do that is to get Kalyn baptized.
“God mothers have responsibilities, and do you know what that responsibility is? To
guide you spiritually,” she says.
Right, because advising her to pee after sexy time is purely spiritual.
Over at the gym, Cindy and Melissa have teamed up with a personal trainer to get Melissa beach body ready for modeling her new line. The duo shows up with perfectly styled hair and full faces of make up so we know they are taking their workout seriously.
Their trainer is hot and Cindy doesn’t hold back.
“After seeing him, I really want to try him out if you know what I mean,” she says.
As the resident cougar, she has a reputation to uphold so she really lays it on him.
“I don’t know good balance…could you maybe lay under me incase I fall?” she coos.
Melissa thinks Cindy is just too distracting so she decides to meet with the trainer one-on-one in her home in the future.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason.
Cut to the evening when Bonnie and Leslie meet for drinks to try to bury the hatchet. Bonnie doesn’t seem to be in the forgiving mood and calls Kalyn a skank before Leslie can push in her chair.
Leslie tries to excuse Kalyn’s lady part piercing fiasco and says it was her way of making fun of Whitney since she has her hoo-ha pierced.
Bonnie is miffed. She knows this is a lie.
How does she know?
Because the mother daughter duo went to an STD consultation together.
Wait, what? You’re defending your daughter and calling Kalyn a skank, but you and Whit go pee in a cup together?
Leslie says she misses Bonnie because she’s never had a friend that’s whacky AND smart (Sorry Cindy) so they decide to be friends again.
Morning comes and Leslie and Kalyn head to Terry Costa for a baptism gown. Kalyn’s not too sure about this dip in the pool, but if it means a new outfit, count her in.
Leslie drops the bomb that Kalyn’s mom is coming and Connie’s expression says it all. Do we remember the last time Terry made an appearance? She paraded around in a sequin Texas flag dress and acted like a member of Toddlers and Tiaras.
Elsewhere, the time has come for Bonnie and clan to sit down and get to know Booger’s family. They all go to dinner and Bonnie is surprised that they seem normal. Booger’s mom looks like she is watching a circus, and his dad points out that Bonnie isn’t your everyday chemistry teacher. I can only imagine the holiday gatherings of these two families.
The time for Kalyn’s baptism is here and the entire day plays out like a Bonnie Tyler music video.
Kalyn is wearing white so that cancels out all her transgressions, right? Another happy coincidence? White is see-through when it gets wet. I guess some things never change…
Always one to try to steal the show, Terry tells us that she got baptized first so she wants to be here for Kalyn. But most importantly, she had the idea first.
The sky opens up and Kalyn looks skeptical when the entire ceremony is wrapped up with one swift dunk. (Her head didn’t even go under. How much redemption did she really get?) They then release some doves into the air and have had enough of the spiritual stuff. It’s time for cake.
Terry approaches Kalyn and tells her she wants to start fresh. Um, you’re a mom. You can’t really “start fresh” when you raised her for 18 years. But Kalyn sees through her mom and thinks she’s an opportunist.
“You come in when it’s my day to shine,” Kalyn says.
Kalyn, this day resulted from an ill-fated UTI— how much do you really want to shine right now?
But she does have a point. Where was she when her daughter was going through boy troubles and getting fired?
Kalyn then goes onto tell us about her mom’s ways of raising children and I feel for her. She didn’t have much hope with a childhood like that.
“You ruined everything,” she yells between sobs.
Leslie runs out and tries to save the party, but this shindig already went to hell in a hand basket with the torrential downpour and mother-daughter showdown.
Kalyn’s mom tries to tell Leslie off because she is her biological mother, and this situation isn’t her business. Hey Terry, when you pawned your daughter off on Leslie, you made it her business.
The episode ends with Kalyn swearing off anything to do with her mom.
This is all a little too heavy for reality Sunday nights. Where’s Bonnie’s quirky outfits and DeAynni’s talks of body reconstruction?