In death, as in life, Tommy is the worst houseguest ever, making a bloody mess all over Rebecca’s nice shag carpet. What’s a expectant mom/criminal mastermind to do now? Taking cues from Jules from Pulp Fiction and Gus Fring from Breaking Bad, Rebecca calls in the experts and a crack team of Winston Wolfs and Mike the Cleaners come to wipe away the signs of homicide. Every trace of bloody clothes, monkey dolls, and the late Big Brah himself are unceremoniously dumped in a can with the name “J BEALL” (“You rub ‘em out, we scrub ‘em out”) and wheeled out of the condo forever.
The Ewings are gathered at the hospital after Bobby’s latest aneurysm, and get the word on his condition from a neurosurgeon, who looks like Mitt Romney on HGH. Doc Super Mittens says that Bobby’s stable and zonked on barbituates, but we won’t know if the attack caused any brain damage until he comes to. J. R. immediately goes to his little brother’s side and tells him that he loves him. Rebecca joins the fam at the hospital, and Christopher notices the shiner that Tommy laid on her earlier. She assures him that he’s out of the picture for good, and she is happy to see that Chris has begun to rock their wedding ring again, a sign that he’s ready to make a go of their marriage for the twins’ sake. He suggests that Rebecca start wearing hers as well, otherwise he’s just gonna look a little silly. While she goes to get coffee, Chris calls Junior over and tells him to get in touch with Bum to find out if Tommy is still around in Big D.
Later that night, Rebecca turns up at Tommy’s seedy motel room, where she tosses the joint to find the wedding ring (in case you’ve forgotten: Rebecca tried to bribe him with the ring to leave town). Turning up nothing but empty Lone Stars and a guitar pick that Pete Wentz threw out into the crowd at the end of a FOB show in Chi-Town- cool story, brah!- she dials up her mystery cleaner to find out where Tommy’s body is stashed. The next day she arrives at an airplane hangar out in BFE where Tommy is wrapped in plastic in the back of an Econoline. While going through his pockets she discovers a pawn ticket which shows that her “brother” got 17 large for her ring. At the pawn shop, she discovers that she arrived a day late and the ring has been sold.
John Ross takes Elena out to see the new offices of Ewing Energies, which happens to be the old offices of Ewing Oil. Displaying a sentimental side, he walks her through what used to be Jock’s office and then through his father’s, swelling with Ewing pride as he recounts past familial glories and looking forward to starting new ones. Then, on bended knee, he asks Elena for her hand in marriage. She accepts, and they share the good tidings with Chris. Looks like Fredo’s coming along quite okay.
Bobby awakens from his slumbers and seems okay, until J. R. shows up. Though J. R. has ceded the land title to Southfork back to Bobby, it’s a hollow victory as Vicente Cano still holds the lien. J. R. pleads innocence, claiming that he had no idea that he was in a deal with a nest of vipers, but Bobby doesn’t buy it. District Attorney Lou is close to discovering the truth on Crazy Marta’s cloud drive, which will probably reveal J. R.’s fraudulent dealings and send him up the river for the rest of his days. For the first time in maybe ever, slippery J. R. Ewing has a look of real worry, like Wile E. Coyote when he pulls the ripcord on an ACME parachute and discovers a dinnerware set and an anvil.
Not to worry, folks! If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past ten episodes, when the stuff hits the fan you can count on good friend John Ross Ewing III to be right in the crapstorm’s path. The DA has only found video of Fredo and Marta on Betty Bat$#!+’s cloud storage that points to Junior being the ringleader of the Del Sol scheme. No evidence is found of J. R. having any knowledge of any fraud. Of course, Daddy J. R. is more than happy to push his son under the bus, staying mum when the DA ticks off the case against Fredo. And just when things can’t get any worse for the kid Elena walks in, in just enough time to find out her hubby-to-be baldfaced lied to her about being involved in the scam. When she tries to break their engagement, he begs her to not give up on him as he tries to turn over a new leaf and to meet him at the Ewing Energies office space at noon the next day if she still thinks they have a chance.
Sue Ellen tells Annie that she’s giving up her run for governor, due to skeevy Harris Ryland’s blackmail. Annie visits her ex at his office, and calls out his laundry list of d-bagdom: sending her that locket, making her a nervous wreck; antagonizing Bobby and threatening a lawsuit after Bobby pimpslapped him; and blackmailing Sue Ellen. She begs him to lay off her family and he agrees, but only if she gives up something in return. Annie know what time it is, and she begins to disrobe under his lascivious gaze. She unbuttons her blouse. . .revealing a wire! The tables are turned, and Annie’s now got the goods on Ryland. When he tries to lay his hands on her, she gives a forceful palm to his nose. Before she bounces, she tells the bloodied jerk to stay away from her family or he’ll see the bidness end of her shotty. Throwing her deuces up, she leaves to Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” (guess he don’t know ‘bout her). At a playground, she tells the good news with Sue Ellen, who can go on with her campaign. And somewhere in Texas, David Dewhurst is taping a mike to his shaved chest, practicing his best sexy look before heading to Ted Cruz’s HQ.
Meanwhile, at Cano’s Casa del Crime, we learn that Vicente and Smilin’ Frank have been in cahoots this entire time. Vicente has control of Southfork’s lien and stands on the brink of gaining Chris’ alt-fuel plans and is going to turn them over to Frank’s boss-Ewing arch enemy, Cliff Barnes. However, before moustaches can be twirled, one of Cano’s minions rushes in with a party ending news. Federales are at the door! He is perp-walked downtown, where his guards make a small detour into a corner office. Bobby and J. R. are waiting for him, armed with full confessions by J. R. and Junior (who have received immunity from prosecution). The confessions of fraud invalidate any deal with Cano, meaning that Bobby gets the lien to the ranch back and Christopher keeps the methane project. And Marta’s cloud drive? It might as well be a YouTube channel of Cano’s self-incrimination, with video of him threatening her life and his goons helping her take the Nestea Plunge off her balcony. Before Cano’s led away, J. R. reminds him that this is payback for John Ross’ beatdown at Lew Sterrett and that he can expect the same reception. “Life is cheap in prison,” J. R. drawls. “And I’m a very rich man.”
Afterwards, Bobby reveals to his big brother that he never would have sent him to prison, and J. R. says that he knew that already, counting on Bobby’s good heart to allow him to save face by signing the confession. But Bobby’s no fool; he has a copy of the cloud drive and tells J. R. if he doesn’t stick to the straight-and-narrow he won’t hesitate to use it. Glad to have his old sparring buddy back, J. R. says he wouldn’t have it any other way.
John Ross gets a call from Bum and reports to Chris that he’s found Tommy. Poindexter and Meat Loaf (They fight crime!) team up at Tommy’s motel room and ransack the room, finding no trace of Tommy. The phone rings, and Chris answers. A woman on the other end wants Tommy to come home to Des Moines — Uncle Fred’s dying! When Chris asks who is speaking, the woman, who thinks that she is talking to Tommy, is upset that he doesn’t remember his sweet little sis Rebecca. Uh-oh. He heads back to his wife, who now really has some ‘splaining to do. But in the end it doesn’t matter. Chris tells “Rebecca” that he will not stop until he learns who she really is. He will make sure she ends up behind bars and that their twins will never know what kind of immoral wretch the mom is. Wow.
Elena is heading out to keep her noonday meet with Junior, but is stopped by Christopher. He tells her that Rebecca’s out of the picture and that he still loves her. He even still has her old engagement ring that she sent back to him after the email debacle years ago, and he tells her that it’s still hers. John Ross is waiting at the office and at twelve he gets a visit from the wrong Ramos, Elena’s mom, who arrives with John Ross’ ring.
Back at the aircraft hangar, Rebecca is admonished by Smilin’ Frank for lousing up her end of the program. She begins to apologize, but Frank tells her to save the sorries for her father. Cliff Barnes steps off the plane and shares his disappointment, but tells his daughter that the game isn’t over yet. He sends Rebecca out with renewed purpose in getting control of his nephew (and son-in-law? Ewww!) Christopher’s methane project and wresting control of Southfork Ranch away from his ex-brother-in-law Bobby. The eternal war started by Jock Ewing and Digger Barnes is still being fought.
As Chris and Elena get busy that night, a newly-jilted Junior observes Downtown Dallas from the windows of Ewing Energies. He is joined by his father, and Fredo admits that he’s done with making nice and is once again ready to sit at his Pappy’s knee to learn all he can teach of the dark arts. John Ross swears that he will get back at Chris and Elena and take the firm away from them. In return, John Ross offers J. R. a cut of the business, but if he even thinks about screwing him over again he’ll have J. R. back at the old folks’ home faster than he can say “Is Matlock on?”
The Sith Lord John Ross Ewing Jr. smiles and half a world away a village well dries up, dooming everyone to a long and parched summer.
“Now, that’s my son. From tip to tail.”
So that’s Season One of the new Dallas, y’all! I have to say, some facepalms aside (cough-email-cough), it’s been a wild ride, with some crazy twists and turns. Something in the back of my head was trying to tip me off about the “Rebecca Barnes” thing. Remember Cliff and Pam’s mom was Rebecca Wentworth, but then I saw something shiny and totally drowned it out. Nice payoffs there and with the Harris Ryland storyline, who woulda known Annie was that badass? Still some unanswered questions out there, and I guess we’ll have to wait till next summer for answers. I really hope to see y’all then!
And without any further ado:
IT’S MAPSCO TIME!
*Bishop Pawn -where Tommy sold Rebecca’s ring- at1348 North Pearl Streetacross from the Belo Mansion, does not exist. In fact, the only bishop at that intersection is Bishop Farrell at the Cathedral de Guadalupe,- and I don’t think he wants your old Walkman, guitars, or shotguns.
**Hey! You can see D Magazine offices from Ewing Energies! That means John Ross can see you (you know who you are) playing Diablo III instead of making your deadlines. Better get those windows limo-tinted.
What did y’all see?