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As I watched episode 5 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas, I felt compelled to reevaluate the life choices that led me to the recapping of this show.

Big Rich Texas, Season 2, Episode 5 Recap (3-18-12)

Big Rich Texas Cheer Momster Season2 Episode5 Style 8 p.m. Sunday

As I watched episode 5 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas, I felt compelled to reevaluate the life choices that led me to the recapping of this show. But I found inspiration in Tyler, a guy who discovered inner-peace while wearing a pink t-shirt, working for his mother in the beauty pageant biz.

Einstein, a smart guy. But can he use a Word template like Tyler?

He’s receiving praise for his first big assignment, a brochure. Leslie can’t get over her son’s ability to use a Word template and tells him, “You’re a genius.”

Kalyn enters wearing glasses and no make-up with a beaten down look usually reserved for new, sleep-deprived mothers. But she won’t be feeling sad for very long, Leslie has a surprise for her. Diet pills.

Cut to DeAynni’s house in Colleyville where Shaye and Grace are talking about their shared passion for cheerleading. Shaye seems confident about her abilities and DeAynni can’t help but brag, “She lands with her legs apart.”

DeAynni quizzes Grace about her skill level and becomes convinced that Shaye needs to switch gyms. She sounds like a psycho mom living through her daughter until the we compare her to Leslie.

Les has Kalyn at Park Cities Dance getting ready for the Miss Dallas competition. Kalyn seems distracted so Leslie offers a shortcut. Liposuction. Because that’s the obvious choice for an already thin 18 year old looking for a beauty pageant boost.

Kalyn doesn’t like the idea but strikes a deal, “If I agree to do this, will you shut up and leave me alone about it?” Leslie accepts.

Meanwhile, Whitney is having lunch with a coworker who has been burned by a man and has wisdom to share, “If you work hard yourself, then you want someone that works hard too.” Yeah, that’s not the issue with Tyler, Sweetheart. He makes pageant brochures. Sounds like you had a whole set of problems that don’t apply here.

Even still, she has a solution to the dilemmas Whit doesn’t have: Date rich guys. And don’t worry, the wise coworker has a bunch of wealthy men in her hip pocket who presumably have no issue dating tat covered 23 year old chicks still living at mom’s house.

Next, Bonnie is at Leslie’s apartment to discuss the events that ended their friendship. First they cover the thing about Tyler saying Leslie made him date Whitney for social status at the club.

Leslie compromises the outcome of the meeting with an explanation as to why the allegation is absurd, “You’re an outcast. I wouldn’t pick you if I was doing some serious social climbing.” But Bonnie seems to think it’s a valid point and they move on to the next issue, Leslie’s finances.

Bon tells Leslie that she knows she sold a property in 2005 but still claims to own it. Leslie finally gets the opportunity to respond, “I actually carry the loan on the house so essentially I’m the bank and it’s still part of the estate.”

So now that things are on the mend with Bonnie, Leslie must regain balance by destroying her relationship with Kalyn.  To that end, Les drags her goddaughter to Skintastic where she grimaces over the sight of Kalyn’s body in the exam room. Safer, less invasive options don’t fit Leslie’s timeframe but Kalyn won’t endanger her life for the Miss Dallas pageant by undergoing more drastic procedures.

Annoying Orange

 

Let’s see if DeAynni is still only one notch below Leslie in the push-your-daughter-to-be-perfect-because-you-aren’t competition. Connie sees Shaye and her mom enter the gym and she isn’t happy, “She’s annoying.”

Connie, I agree. What do you think it is: Her ginormous teeth, obnoxious laugh, her kitchen decor, or the thing about how she slaps her daughter and calls her an idiot? Yeah, you’re right, it’s totally the teeth.

DeAynni sits down with the other moms who have been encouraging their daughters with some low-key shout-outs. She joins in with a raspy bellow, “What the heck, Shaye?”

Shaye does some impressive flips across the gym and lands on her knees. That’s what practice is for, right mom? DeAynni jumps to her feet screaming like a Yankee, “[BLEEP] That’s why you’re not moving up.”

Mary Lou Retton won the women's gymnastics gold in the 1984 Olympic Games

Shaye tries it again. SCORE. A Mary Lou landing. DeAynni praises her daughter’s success, “Yeah, finally. Damn it.” And that’s when viewers started a non-profit organization to raise money for Shaye’s future therapy bills.

Across town, Leslie brings home an inspirational cardboard cutout of Kalyn’s face on the bikini-clad body of someone else. Kalyn doesn’t appreciate Leslie’s Photoshop skills, “Pam and Melissa were right about you. You’re using me for your pageant business.

Child Protective Services must have dropped by DeAynni’s house during the commercial break because at the next cheer practice, she’s on her best behavior, “Yeah, Shaye, kick some ‘A’ out there. Kick it, baby, kick it.” So while abuse investigators may be off her back, the classy enforcement officers are sure to be knocking on her door tonight.

But DeAynni is still at it, “Come on, Shaye, I thought this was your college hope.” And with that, educated, goal-driven mothers across the country woke their daughters to make sure they understand cheerleading is not a major course of study.

Bonnie and Leslie are besties again, hanging out at Bon’s house discussing Pam and Melissa’s role in Kalyn feeling used by Leslie. Leslie tells us, “I just can’t believe that they think it’s OK to ruin an 18 year olds’ life just to get back at me.”

Rewind that, Les. So you’re saying Kalyn’s life will be ruined if she doesn’t win Miss Dallas? Every. Single. Time. Just when you’re climbing out of your last stupid statement, you open your mouth and screw it all up again.

Whit’s life coach coworker takes her to a bar where she keeps a stash of high quality men. She grabs two of them and makes the intro, “Whitney usually goes to different places. We’re trying to find her some more classier guys.”

Whit does a prelim interview of these “more classier” guys.

Whitney: What do ya’ll do?

Guy 1: I’m gonna branch out into…[But we stopped listening because anyone who starts the answer to that question with “I’m gonna” isn’t what we’re looking for.]

Guy 2: I’m in I.T. I do a lot of tech support for people who catch viruses and stuff like that.

But Whitney clearly doesn’t know a wealthy, more classier guy when she sees one. The obvious lack of tattoos, body piercings and f-bombs has left Whit bored.

Over at Uptown Consignment, Connie is pulling clothes to style some Fashionistas who are, “The who’s who of the Dallas fashion world.” So, Conn, the “who’s who” of fashion wears used clothes? Call me crazy but I was thinking the who’s who of fashion are the ones putting last season’s couture up for consignment in your shop?

Leslie comes in to bring some gently worn shoes for Connie to sell to other women who don’t mind that a stranger’s sweaty feet were in them previously. Connie tells Les that Pam is on the board of the Fashionistas and will be at the grand opening party of a new boutique in West Village. Leslie salivates, sharpening her knife on the shoes she plans to consign, “Now it’s time for a little payback.”

Over at Leslie’s apartment, Kalyn is in bed with an obvious case of script-induced depression. Tyler brings her a bowl of ice cream.  He sits down next to her and offers comfort. Kalyn reveals her worst fear, Leslie sending her back to California.

Kalyn, if you ask me, you should be packing your bags, not eating Leslie’s food. Oh wait, Tyler has a get-out-of-jail-free card and he’s giving it to you, “I’ll make sure you stay.”

Kalyn, don’t get all mushy. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to redo the brochure with your face all over it.

Meanwhile, Leslie arrives at the Kendra Scott boutique opening with plans to give Pam a social waterboarding.

Leslie makes it a point to introduce herself to Heidi Dillon who is visiting with Pamela. Leslie engages in small talk with Heidi and Pam can’t take it, “I’m leavin’ now.”

And she meant it. She bolts, leaving Heidi and Leslie mid-conversation.

Heidi: Did Pam just leave?

Leslie: Yeah, I believe so.

Heidi: That was pretty abrupt wasn’t it?

I think that’s when Leslie moved out of camera range, licked her finger and touched her own butt making a sizzle sound to celebrate completion of Destroy Pam phase one. You go girl.

Now, on to crush Melissa into tiny little pieces.

Leslie spots Mel having dinner at Woodhaven Country Club with Maddie, Connie, DeAynni and others. Les approaches with enough pageant ammo to blow Mel clear back to Dallas.

Melissa: Hi, how are you?

Leslie: Not really too well, I have to tell you that Kalyn is now not doing the pageant because you and Pam told her that I’m just using her for my pageant business.

Melissa: Kalyn doesn’t want to do the pageant so why are you making her do it?

Leslie: I know that you don’t like pageants and we all know why. Just because you were de-crowned from Miss Texas because you were pregnant.

Melissa: The fact that you’re bringing up stuff like that in front of my daughter, seriously, do you think that has a lot of class?

Cut to the couch where Melissa fades in and out of reality, “It is true. I was pregnant. I lost my crown.”

Melissa Poe representing Carrollton in the 1990 Miss Texas USA pageant

 

Last week, Mel was super cryptic and wouldn’t tell us anything other than, “I was Miss Carrollton and Miss Dallas.” After confirming that she was indeed Miss Carrollton in the 1990 Miss Texas USA pageant, I asked her when she was the reigning Miss Dallas. Melissa tried to save me from myself.

Thank you so much, Mel. I mean I’d have totally looked like a raging fool. I owe you one.

So, when were you Miss Dallas? And more importantly, when were you crowned and then de-crowned as Miss Texas?

I’m assuming the pregnancy that led to this pageant downfall was with your son because when you had Maddie you wouldn’t have qualified, being married and all.

And if you tied the knot in May of 1990 and your son was born in October of the same year, it seems fools who think the show is based on some version of reality are being led to believe you were crowned Miss Texas in 1990.

But in the first 25 minutes of that pageant, Bob Eubanks announced the 13 semi-finalists.

  1. Miss Beverly Hills
  2. Miss Fort Worth
  3. Miss Nederland
  4. Miss Corpus Christie
  5. Miss Coastal Bend
  6. Miss Capitol City
  7. Miss Houston
  8. Miss Dallas
  9. Miss Southeast Texas
  10. Miss Waco
  11. Miss Harris County
  12. Miss Addison
  13. Miss Tomball

So I fast-forwarded to the end to make sure there wasn’t some mid-pageant twist that landed Miss Carrollton a wild-card spot in the finals. But the first runner-up was Miss Addison. And the winner of a Subaru and the title of Miss Texas USA 1990 was Miss Houston.

So at the risk of looking like a fool, when you said you “lost your crown” did you mean you misplaced it? If so, I found it. On Miss Houston’s head.

We’re all concerned about Maddie too. I mean, it was sad when she ran off so disappointed. But for the sake of clarity, was she upset that you were letting people think you were crowned Miss Texas when you weren’t OR because by age 16 she hadn’t done the simple math necessary to conclude her big brother was conceived by the reigning Miss Carrollton?

22 comments on “Big Rich Texas, Season 2, Episode 5 Recap (3-18-12)

  1. most surprising bit about this recap? Bob Eubanks is still alive??? WTF? As always, great recap! my question is, are you going to get to recap the RHOD when it comes out? At least those girls are really rich…but I was sort of surprised that Angie Barrett wasn’t going to be in it~

  2. I swear I have got to stop drinking things when I read the recaps. I snort shit out my nose every damn time. Lol hilarious as always.

  3. There’s going to be a Real Housewives of Dallas?!?!? Oh, be still my heart! Can’t wait for that. BRT is so excruciatingly funny and I know that RHOD will have us rolling in the aisles. Texas is the new New Jersey!

  4. Merritt, where in the world are you coming up with the fact that I lost my crown as Miss Texas???? I willingly gave up my crown/title as Miss Dallas because I could not fullfill my duties pregnant.. I was Miss Dallas about 2 mos AFTER the Miss Texas USA 1990 pageant. What are you not understanding in this scenario?

  5. uh Mel, you said as Miss Texas on the show… btw I love you and you still are the most normal mom on the show.

  6. OMG…First you couldnt remember exactly when you were anything (I think you’d be able to remember something as important as that) and now Ms. Patterson watched the show on TV and you werent on it…Unless you stepped out to use the restroom being pregnant and all and they forgot to put you on the roster …Truthfully, I think you should just let it go before you look any more foolish!

  7. Leslie needs to be removed from the show. Her antics make me cringe.

    Kalyn needs to move in with Melissa, who appears to me to be the best mother on the show. The “crown” for grace and class go to her. Who cares if she was pregnant while Miss Dallas and had to step down. Such a non issue!!

  8. When Tyler and Kalen were snuggling on her bed it looked like he was about to kiss her. EEeewwww!!!

  9. I love Leslie. I know she makes some mistakes along the way, but she’s kinda the point of the show. Without her there wouldn’t be a show. Pam & Bonnie have existed for years at the club without too much fun…enter Leslie…

  10. Melissa, I’m sorry that Maddie was upset by all of that hoopla. It’s unfortunate that the back biting has extended to the kids.

    Pam high-tailing it from the party was a riot! And these Fashionistas! Really? Bless their hearts, they don’t look at all chic. They look like your matronly and slightly drunk aunt who takes off her wig at parties … Next!

  11. Here’s a new crown for Melissa: Miss shameless pathological liar. I know that there’s some stiff competition for Leslie, but I think that Melissa is going to TAKE THIS PAGEANT.

    I love that she insists of continuing to assert herself in defending her lies yet provides NO PROOF TO BACK THEM UP. I’m afraid to ask, but do you think that she’s actually starting to believe them? I would hate to break it to her, but:

    YELLING LOUDER THAN THE OTHER PERSON DOESN’T MAKE YOU RIGHT. SAYING “MERRITT, YOU’RE WRONG,” DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY MORE RIGHT UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY FOLLOW UP YOUR DELUDED ASSERTIONS WITH SOME PROOF.

    Merritt has proof that’s available to anyone who wishes to research it, why doesn’t Melissa? Oh yeah, that’s right, because BRT is a “docu-soap”. So while she might not have actually gotten a crown, in the SCRIPT–which is loosely based on the less-glamorous real-life events that she actually DID experience, lesser titles and all–she was a former Miss Dallas.

    So yeah, Merritt is basically being criticized for commenting on the actual facts, and not the work of fiction that was inspired by them. Melissa’s pageant history is the DaVinci code of reality television.

  12. My son was sick yesterday so I took the day off. While he slept I downloaded Dallas Divas and Daughers for 7.99 from iTunes. Wow…Pam really is a bitch. I think she was actually worse on that show than this one. Has anyone else on here watched the 8 episodes? She made one bitchy comment after another. I am not surprised that none of the other mothers and daughters wanted to be on a show with her again! I would love to chat with anyone that has also watched that train wreck.

  13. I am confused….maybe someone can help me understand why Maddie was so upset? She was beyond hysterics because her mother had sex before marriage? Really? I realize Melissa is strict, and imposes rediculous rules on Maddie…obviously because of her scandalous past…but really Maddie? I thought we were about to find out that Melissa had an abortion, or Maddie had an unknown sibbling somewhere. Lame. Maddie honey, your mom made a mistake, she got married, they later had you, they tried and it didn’t work. Now simmer.

  14. Docu-soap Melissa? This whole show is based on lies!! i get confused when Leslie is blasted for her antics when everyone on this show is full of BS. Hell Hannah was arrested for drugs, kicked out of school and this is left out of production! SEE THE PROOF http://www.columbiatribune.com/news/2010/nov/19/arrests-and-summonses/ Hannah Aerial Gelbart, 18, of 1005 Maryland Ave., false identification, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of 35 grams or less of marijuana. This is reality show GOLD! Leslie lives in California and the apartment at The Verona was a lease. Melissa is a fitness trainer, who lives in a 1000 sq foot apartment and can barley make ends meet. Melissa you are so snoring boring. The 2 birthday car’s were RENTALS! Connie’s store is a dump, and it smells. Pam is batshit crazy and lives off of credit cards-her Bentley is a lease! Whitney oh Whitney was evicted from her apartment in Plano and now her legal address shows Wichita Falls!?! She is not employed by Dr. A and the reason for the break up -/hate fest was due to her allegedly giving Tyler an STD! For the most part Bonnie’s character is real other than the fact that she pretends to have money. I can assure you that she will not be paying for boobies or a nose job anytime soon. Leslie is playing a part, bottom line. She doesn’t reside in Dallas and doesn’t own any business here either.

  15. psst! will you please credit http://www.vincentsandoval.com for the image of Whitney Whatley that you use at the top of this post? he’s a brilliant photographer on the rise and i like to make sure he’s credited whenever i see his work on display. thanks! love reading your blog and chatting it up on twitter! :)

  16. Melissa, you are the one who brought it up!!! Like a little kid looking for attention, then suddenly trying to be coy and saying “you’re making me uncomfortable and I really don’t want to talk about it.”. So why did you feel the need to announce it, complete with the pageant wave, “you know, I was miss Dallas AND miss Carrollton.”.

    YOU opened that can of worms, nobody else.

  17. I can’t even BEGIN to explain how much I love these recaps. I laugh hysterically every time I read them and every time I re-read them! I can’t even handle the DeAynni parts I was crying.
    ‘DeAynni praises her daughter’s success, “Yeah, finally. Damn it.”’

    And that orange is disturbing I realized I had to scroll down all the way because I felt like it was staring at me.

  18. Melissa is pathetic!!!! She is butt ugly and she follows Pam around like a child. She has no buisness ripping on people because of thier finances when she lives in an apartment. She is not pretty, she looks like a giant horse. I could not imaging following someone around like that. My father is a lawyer and always taught me to think for myself. Her little blurb on the styke network where she is teaching people how to tease their hair is hilarious!!!! Her hair looks worse after her style tips!!!! BTW, if she was such a “big model” why did she need Leslie’s help to get back in the game? Perhaps Leslie sent her to that awful go-see because she knew that Melissa couldn’t make the cut anywhere else!!!! The back of my butt is better looking than she is!!!!!!

  19. ouch Melissa, you wanted to bring the attention to yourself and now you are caught up in your own lies, btw, grow a back bone and stop leeching off Pam like shes God!!!