Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Two Recap

Most Eligible Dallas Take the Bull by the Horns Season1 Episode2

Is your life perfect? Does it just get better every year? Is it like this slope, like, that you’ve just climbed? Never had any major downturns? Right on! Then you, like our hero Matt, are ready to recap the second installment of Most Eligible Dallas.

Bravo called  last night’s episode “Take the Bull by the Horns.” Bravo is wrong. It should have been called “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.” Because, aside from eating meals and debating the evils of single motherhood, this week, the gang seeks romance. Drew employs a matchmaker. Tara takes a chance on an old friend. Glenn looks at soft-porn. Courtney pursues an ill-advised love affair with the word “literally.” So love is in the air.

Let’s start with Neill because she clearly won the episode. Things don’t start great for her: Matt attempts to romance her stone with some coffee at Universal Rehearsal. Neill is rehearsing some new tunes with her band. (Future hits include titles such as “Mage Against the Machine,” “La Mage Aux Folles,” and “The Theme for Major Dad.”) Despite being rich (“It’s real good to be me,” he says earlier at work, sporting his formal fleece office attire), Matt doesn’t bring coffee for any of her bandmates, so they have to get lost.

This leaves our dynamic duo the opportunity to cuddle on the creepy leopard-print couch and discuss whether Rick Perry has what it takes to win a national election. No, no. They discuss—what else?—Courtney and her horrible treatment of Neill at the ill-fated dinner party from last episode. Matt apologizes for Court and remarks on Neill’s strong personality. (He punctuates it by showing off his “Live Strong” bracelet.) But Neill is having none of it. She cuts to the chase and asks: “Does Courtney like you?” When Matt demurs, she answers, “Matt, I’m blond, but I’m not really blond.”

Stating the obvious does not alone make Neill the least awful person this episode. It’s her handling of a drunk Courtney at Al Biernat‘s near the end of the episode that does it. Courtney is on a tear. She’s eating carbs. She’s drinking Mondavi. She’s complaining about Neill’s punctuality. (“Well, I’m glad you’re a size two after having a baby, but I just ate three pounds of carbs. Thanks for being late, brat.”) She’s lying. (“I’m happy to see [Neill]. I would like to literally get to know her.”) And this all happens before Neill even shows up. But once Neill appears, Court steps it up. She slurs. She smiles that weird smile. She peppers Neill with questions: “What’s going on? Where are you from? So you move a lot?” She calls Maje’s dad “the baby daddy.” And when Neill corrects her, she says, “I’m a little quirky. I like to poke fun of things that I think are awkward.”

But Neill handles it all pretty well. Yes, she has that habit of making totally weird expressions, but she manages to stay calm and sober during this nightmare dinner. (Why, Al Biernat? Why?)  She simply admits to kissing Matt, thus killing Courtney dead. And later in her post-dinner interview, she kicks the corpse. “I realized Courtney has been really wasted every time we’ve hung out. Every time. And every time it’s been a train wreck. I mean, I’m not a life counselor, but Courtney should lay off the booze,” she says, the picture of wide-eyed innocence.

Our second-place winner is Tara. She really is the best person on the show, but she hasn’t faced any challenges yet, so she has to settle for second. Yes, Tara also attends the disaster dinner at Al’s, and she wisely says nothing, choosing instead to eat bread. Not a bad call, but she should have told Courtney, “You need to shut your mouth—literally.” But that’s probably not Tara’s style.

In the love department, Tara decides to take a chance on her old friend Jody Dean. Before you make some “old” jokes, Courtney has already beaten that horse. “This guy is super old. Like, literally, this guy is, like, ancient from what I know.” She follows it up with a denture joke. After she’s run through her material, she asks,”Does he have baggage?” Umm..yeah. He does.

But Court’s negativity and Jody’s suitcases and soul patch aside, Tara is excited about the date. And the whole thing is kind of cute. She wears sequins to Splitsville, a bowling alley very, very, very far away. Jody attempts to show her how to bowl, but Tara has a lot on her mind. She’s concerned that Splitsville traffics in used socks. She’s dreaming about Jody’s size 13 shoes (You know what they say, “The larger the foot, the larger the soul patch”). She misses her brother, Tod Lubitch. You know, the boy from the plastic bubble? Yeah, she, too, is “100 percent germaphobic. I guarantee they never wash those balls. It’s disgusting.” It bears repeating that Tara spends a great deal of time in shelters rescuing dogs, so this might be a bit of an exaggeration.

But anyway, it’s a perfectly cute date. Tara bowls a strike. Jody makes small talk about hiring a Mafia hitman when his daughter begins to date. Yeah, Tara says weird things like, “It was so sexy to see Jody be so, like, papa bear protective over his kids…because that’s what I want out of whoever I’m with to be about our children.” And Jody hits a car and practically falls off the porch after awkwardly kissing Tara. But, for the most part, it was all pretty darn cute, soul patch or no.

Third place goes to our friend Drew, who redeemed himself nicely this go. Yes, Drew drags on the (electronic?) cigarette once, but I’m giving him a pass because our Fatboy Slim is so clearly dealing with self-esteem issues. Drew would like to find someone who can keep up with his “rabbit-like symptoms of horniness.” He’s tired of the grind—he goes out every night “on the weekends.” (That’s only two nights, but whatevs.) He’s tired of the one-night stands. He’s ready to be in a proper relationship with kids and everything, so he employs the services of Sarah Norton, matchmaker to the stars.

It should be noted that Sarah Norton does not have an office. She does not own a computer. She does not have head shots on file—unless you count the one of Sarah Norton from 1977, which hangs right behind her desk. You have to trust Sarah Norton to very methodically go through the contents of her recipe box. She will choose just the perfect index card for each of her very famous and successful clients.

Once the date is set up, Drew is “skeptible.” He arrives at the appointed restaurant and is greeted by J.P., a red-headed man from Mexico. “I have never seen a red-headed Mexican before in my life,” Drew complains. “She set me up with an endangered species.” (For the record, my favorite comedian, Louis CK, is a redhead, and his father is a native Mexican. Louis actually grew up for a time in Mexico City. Ginsburgs, please use some of that money for education.) There is a real problem with J.P., though. He is a tiny dancer. Drew kindly estimates that the guy is 5-foot-7. I don’t think so.

Things do not work out for J.P. and Drew. Sarah Norton, matchmaker to the rich and famous, has failed.

All is not lost, though. Later in the episode, Drew has a man-date with Glenn on the Katy Trail. I mean, it’s obviously a non-date, man-date because Glenn is not gay!   But the two do meet at the Katy Trail—Drew has already biked White Rock earlier, just in case you were wondering—for a little workout. “You know I can’t do impact,” Drew says, one eyebrow curled. After the laugh track dies down, the men start running—perhaps the most high-impact form of exercise, by the way. They run and run and run and run. About 100 yards later, they stop for a breather and small talk. “Glenn is honest. He’s real, and he’s very protective of me,” Drew gloats. And it’s so true. Glenn offers to train Drew for $5,000 an hour, because he’s a saint as well as a busy businessman.

Speaking of Glenn, Mr. Clean wins fourth place. Glenn spent most of the episode admiring the torso of a half-naked dude. You guys! It was his own torso! He’s not gay! This go, Kari the photographer and Erik the sports agent pay a visit to the attic that Drew lives in. (He’s like Monroe—with hair!— from Too Close for Comfort. A straight Monroe!) While on hiatus from her work at Vogue, Kari wants to show Glenn the results from their high-fashion shoot at Nylo. “I like that one,” Glenn says, studying an image of himself. “Yeah, that’s pretty sweet,” he says after seeing another. Finally overcome by emotion, he steps away from the computer, saying, “I can’t take this no more.” Should we expect to see Glenn in Milan once he gets released from his contract with the Raiders? Probably. “The pictures were pretty amazing,” he says. “I thought I was looking pretty good, I’m not going to lie. I think we might have something here.”

Moving on, despite bleeding orange and being an incredible athlete, businessperson, friend, and man, Matty gets fifth place this go. But not for lack of trying. In addition to providing cuddles and coffee to Neill, he also takes his lady friend Kat on a date on Friday night. Why Friday? “In Dallas, Friday night is date night,” he says. “That’s the night if you’re going to go on a date, you do it.” On the way to pick up his fair maiden, he calls his other “very good friends” Shannon and Brittnye and invites them to supper at Eddie V’s, too.

Why would Matty do this? “There’s no point in doing anything if you’re not going to do it to the max,” he explains. So despite calling super-blond Kat his “go-to” and a “total package,” he’s gotta go to the max. Everyone knows two’s company, but four is a party. After all, Matt is just being Matt. “I’m not hiding anything. I’m not a player. I’m not about playing games,” he says from an arcade. (Not really.)

Honest minute: for a second when his buddy Brittnye was speaking, I thought it was my Grandma Eisman. Then I remembered that my Grandma Eisman is dead. But before she died, Grandma Eisman really liked to smoke cigarettes, drink big-girl drinks, order items from Omaha Steaks, and say inappropriate things. But even Grandma Eisman would be saddened by Brittnye. “Only Matt would be on a date with three broads,” she chortles at one point. Later, she reminisces: “Remember that one time when we rubbed self-tanner on Matt?” Also, the spelling of Brittnye’s name is stupid.

And that leaves us with the loser of the episode: Courtney. Oh, Court, you lose for so many reasons. You lose because you don’t want to be married because you’re Southern; you want to be married because you’re unemployed. You lose because your “seven eight nine” tattoo right below your boob, fake tan, and silly bump-its make you less “Southern” than “South Jersey.” You lose because you think a young woman you don’t know deciding to have a baby is “like, literally, someone slapping me across the face.” You lose because you use “literally” all the time. Worse, you use it wrong.You lose because you think you’re being clever when you spout stuff like,”Why don’t you agree with the fact that I use condoms and don’t have babies? That I’m responsible.” You lose because you say things like, “Nobody likes a fat single girl” and “Gotta get tan, so I can get a man.” You lose because when complaining about the heat, you say, “It just got 10 decibels hotter.” But most of all, you lose because you failed your fake employer Amber Venz. In the last scene of the show, when you “woke up,” you forgot to put on the requisite necklace, three bracelets, and gigantic ring. You lose.

Tune in to see how Courtney and the others fare next week.

Image: Matt Nordgren (right) with Tom Green in July 2010. Photo by Jerry McClure for D Magazine.

29 comments on “Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Two Recap

  1. Love Neills! Hang in there girl, as you are the most real in the show and your baby Major is adorable.

  2. Please people chill, I am happy to be on the tv and envied by all of you. However what you dont know is I am bi sexual, I planned the whole show, and I have a child out of wedlock also, that I have never seen( research that E channel get some scoop on me ) . I do not tell peple the real truth because it will eventually all come out to haunt me. I am comfortable now admitting I needed the show and exposure to get over letting women down, never playing ball and being a fake or a trapped gay man . I chose Ginsburg because I find him attractive, all the other attendees on my show are merely characters to keep it alive.I do want to make in Hollywood and I hope no matter what my sexual preference is or how I treat these trashy girls that someone will employee me and take me under their agents wing. Hook em Horns

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  3. Great recap. I’m thinking that instead of spending the LONGEST HOUR OF MY LIFE watching this piece of junk, I will let you do it for me. It’s faster and much more entertaining to just read your take on the situation. Only thing you skipped was Matt’s demand that Court and Neill “hatch” it out. Just hatch it out! So, I’m guessing that while he WASN’T getting any playing time at UT, he wasn’t filling the void with attending any classes either? Super. You Laura, are just like Matt in ONE WAY…you are AWESOME at your job. Matt’s dad said so.

  4. Matt is finally truthful! Dude – everybody always knew but we pretended to beleive that you were laying all those women and that your Dad has money and that you were a star at UT and that “CEO of Nordco” really means a job! We love you anyway but, now maybe we can respect you too!

  5. I must admit I watched for about fifteen minutes. All of them are so completely useless. I am saving my patented putting the nose in the air moves for one of these obvious assholes.

  6. Dang it, why’d UT have to get dragged into this? How about Bishop Lynch gets some of the blame for the spectacle that is this Matt kid, too.

    And, perfect analysis of Courtney. I hope she gets knocked up so the streets of Dallas never have to see her again- since, you know, she’ll be chained to her baby 24/7 and never ever ever out having a good time.

  7. Courtney’s mom said the fat girl comment. No comparison between Tara’s Tuesday rule and Kat ready to move on 30 minutes notice? You should given Kat a guest star score. At least we saw somebody seeming to be at work though without all the UT gear, his desk would look pretty bare. Why did they drive up and back to Tioga for two minutes’ air time?

  8. I gave it a chance, sorry, still boring…. How well does courtney really know matt? He has a child and he is out sowing his oats every night. Can you say double standard! Good to see the pompous a** stick up for Neil though. Courtney is embarrassing to Dallas. She seriously wonders why she is still single? Now, that’s funny.

  9. been reading the other blogs and for a minute or two kinda felt bad for these guys. Then it passed… Hard to defend these people when you guys are speaking the truth. I am a proud Italian Mom and love my family. My daughter is a single mom and does a marvelous job! Funny how courtney is the first to judge, then preach about christianity and god. Can you say hypocrite! ‘Thou shall not judge’ ring a bell? Laura, your re-cap was great and you had boundaries. TVgasm didn’t… This show needs to fade into the sunset along with the wanna be, fame ho’s that they call a cast.

  10. talk on one of the stations .. is that they might pull the rest of the episodes.. the comments have been so negative. and calls to the bravo line have been horrid. . that would be a first since Kate + 8

  11. @wouldnt be surprised- just saw two stories that Ratings doubled from last week in the 1 million range …not so sure on your facts ….what is Kate8?
    Maybe ur not the demo…think they going after young…sexy…singles maybe check out swamp people or dog the bounty hunter…might be more your speed!!!

  12. @just sayin, you’ve got to be kidding right? it’s Bravo. their demo is old housewives and gays. wouldn’t surprise me if you’re either on the show, or a clinger to one of these lunatics that don’t represent our fine city at all.

  13. @ Neill pick up that sweet little boy ofyours and run as far from Ms C & crew as fast as you can. As bad as she us to you now wait until she discovers your (ex)? Husband actor Major Hodge is the “baby daddy.”
    @Just Sayin- Neilsen ratings last week was 784k viewers vs 860 this week far from doubled.
    @Dutch- I thought the same thing this is a cast member or family member posting. Good call.

    Between Style Network’s awful, fake Dallas show “Big Rich Texas” and now this younger version cast our fine city is “not” represented.

  14. What? How can you not love Courtney? She’s the only one with a personality so far. Neill is obviously just on the show to promote her singing. I doubt she and Matt even really have a thing.

    I’ll be surprised if Courtney is the center plot of all the romances this season. Maybe Glenn’s a better guy for her than Matt…

  15. I’m so confused as to why Courtney preaches about how she was raised and that “divorce is not an option”… I definitely didn’t see a ring on her mom’s finger.

  16. Totally didn’t watch the show this week, and probably won’t ever again after last week: your recaps are too good and I don’t even have to wait through commercials (or fast forward them, that takes, like, literally, 15 seconds too long)…

  17. I read somewhere that one of the requirements to be on a reality show is that the person has to be completely un-self conscious. Unfortunately, Drew is TOO self conscious and it shows. I mean could you see how uncomfortable he was on that “date” his eyes were darting around trying to find a way to exit. I feel sorry for him because I think he’s in over his head…but it is fun to listen to his malapropisms…(look it up Drew)

  18. I seem to remember that Jody Dean wrote an article for D many years ago admitting that the problems with his marriage were because he was a sex addict. I am trying to find the article but I know I read it.

  19. I watched the show for the first time last night and it wasn’t as bad as everyone was talking or writing about. It’s a reality show that I am sure is scripted! I would love for some reality show to focus on all walks of life and not just the rich….Dallas is a great city that has so much to offer for everyone. Tara is a gorgeous woman who should maybe look at guys that are not just rich but certainly take care of themselves and treat woman right not like the jerk Jesse…how rude and we really don’t care how much money you have….money does not buy class…obviuosly that is true reality!

  20. Drop Courtney because. of her hypocritical, ” mad at the world because Matt won’t sleep with me any more” attitude. Every time Matt even looks at another woman you can totally see right through Courtney’s horse teeth shaped veneers that it’s killing her. It’s so obvious. Everyone knows that once you’ve “been” with someone you either continue dating or move on while one of you carries around a broken heart “mad at the world” attitude. Everyone knows you can never be friends again. Also drop Matt because he’s not fooling anyone with that “I’m not a player, I’m honest” line. He’s a Hugh Hefner wanna be. Just own it and move on. You’re not going to convince us. You’re just boring us. As are the broads you keep company with. You don’t even have a good eye for a pretty girl.

    Please keep Glenn because except for loving his own pictures a little too much, so far he’s been honest and appears to be genuine. He’s also very easy on the eyes. Glenn’s the main reason I watch the show.

  21. Watched the first episode and upset that I wasted an hour of my life watching this trainwreck. The people on this show are awful, disgusting and selfish. They do NOT represent Dallas! Anyone who thinks this entertainment or these “characters” are worth an iota of attention are filthy disgusting people as well. Blah so sick of these trashy people (Most Eligible, Big Rich Texas, and Texas Women) representing Dallas!!

    AND Drew has to be one of the creepiest guys I’ve seen. What’s with the way he speaks, his mouth is disgusting. Also, the fake cigarette thing does NOT make you look cool, it makes you look like even more of a creep. Oh and Courtney honey, you are not kidding anyone with your age. You look at least 40.

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