Last week on Big Rich Texas, beauty pageants were won, and golf instructors were humiliated. Where else could Style Network possibly go to give viewers the impression that ladies in Dallas drink the blood of poor people for breakfast? To a fashion show in Uptown and a Collin County backyard full of Greek statues, that’s where.
Episode 3 begins in Fort Worth at Woodhaven Country Club, where we’re still pretending it’s elite and in a great part of town. There’s a yoga class in progress, and Leslie is quite taken with Kurt, the instructor. Kurt clearly doesn’t hang out with AJ the golf pro from episode 2 because if he did, Kurt would be running down Interstate-30 with an exercise mat under his arm.
Leslie is flirting with Kurt. It’s kind of cute.
OMG! What is that beeping sound? Make it stop. Oh, I should’ve known. It’s Pamela’s joy-dar, and it’s about to explode.
Why would Pamela care if Leslie is enamored? Here’s why: because the happiness that radiates from such a flirtatious exchange could potentially make the staff feel somewhat equal to club members. Then what? Total anarchy, that’s what. Thank you, Pam, for swooping in and reminding hard-working people about their place on the wealth-based social hierarchy.
Leslie approaches Kurt to ask if he also teaches pilates or zumba. Sadly, he doesn’t. Kurt, I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I think it would be wise to branch out a bit. If yoga goes out of style, then what? You’ll need to be experienced in zumba. Or computers or something, that’s what.
But Leslie doesn’t have time to give him career advice because Pamela appears on the scene telling Leslie, “You’re recommending other classes, and I don’t think you should be discussing that with the instructor. Maybe you ought to contact the recreation committee.”
And good news, Pam is on the recreation committee, and while she can’t guarantee Leslie’s idea will come to fruition, they’ll certainly give it lip service before blowing it off.
Leslie waits until she’s seated for her private interview to say, “I don’t think you can wipe your a** at this club without a committee to approve it, and I have no doubt that Pam is the head of that committee: the toilet patrol.” That was a little lame, Les, but your heart is in the right place.
Pamela is back on the couch, “Leslie didn’t need to join the club just to meet men. She could have saved her money and hung out in the staff parking lot.” Leslie, let’s work on your comebacks. We don’t even like Pamela but feel it’d look ridiculous not to admit she’s slaying you on those.
Before Connie begins the road trip back to Dallas from the club, she stops to thank Pam for agreeing to be in her fashion show. Connie kisses some Pam-butt and tells her she’s arranged for Pamela to be the grand finale.
Connie, you’ve handed us absolute proof that this thing is scripted. Had I not read a guy’s Tweet recently that said “editing Big Rich Texas scripts,” I’d have totally known the minute you started smoochin’ up to Duarte.
Speaking of Tweets, this one sent by Whitney’s mom, Bonnie (@bonblossman), got me really pumped for this week’s episode: No matter how Whit may be portrayed on the show tonight, she is not a ho!
Now if that’s not the sweetest demo of a mother’s love, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, back to the fashion show convo.
Pamela: What kind of people are going to be there anyway?
Connie: All kinds of people. People from the club, and I can’t wait to meet your friends.
Pamela: Heavy-hitters? Socialites?
Pamela, are you listening? She said people from the club and your friends. So the answer is no, no heavy-hitters or socialites. I agree it would be awesome for you to meet some of those people one day, but it’ll have to be another time.
Heavy-hitters? Who says that kind of thing?
In a rough transition to the next scene set in Pamela’s home in Plano, Style tries to fake us out with a photo of the fountain in Highland Park. About a gajillion miles from Duarte’s pad.
Anyway, very far from the depicted fountain, Pamela is in her master suite that looks an awful lot like a Haverty’s showroom. She’s busy packing pepper spray for a trip to Spain. I’m not totally up on the latest Homeland Security rules, but if I had to throw away a Laura Mercier moisturizer before boarding an aircraft, how’s she taking pepper spray? Maybe she gave the airport security guy the same reasonable argument she provided viewers, “If something happens over there, I want to be able to mace my way out of it.”
Sounds like she’s heading to an area of Spain similar to the neighborhood where her country club is located.
Pamela warns her daughter, Hannah, not to have any parties at the house while she’s away and gives her a list of things she has to do in order to prove she’s responsible enough to take her car to college in the fall. Hannah reviews the list and doesn’t seem to take it super seriously. Maybe that’s because it’s written in purple marker on green polka-dotted paper?
Next we’re at Leslie’s house. Her 20-year-old son, Tyler, has arrived for a visit. Leslie must have ditched him when she needed a girl for the show. But he’s a model, so he can hang around for awhile. She reintroduces Kalyn and Tyler, telling us they haven’t seen each other since they were little.
Clearly it’s been awhile since Leslie has seen the boy. She pokes him in the shoulder awkwardly and compliments his muscles. Leslie, I’m not trying to trash your kid, he’s cute, but muscles? Pam could lay him flat in one punch.
Next we’re in Connie’s consignment store, where Bonnie and Leslie are getting outfitted for her big fashion show. To me, a fashion show is meant to display what you can find in a particular collection. But this is a used clothing store, so the runway will be sportin’ glam that Connie only has one of, right? I don’t get it.
Bonnie is trying on a dress that shows way too much cleavage. So rather than have her move on to the next outfit, Connie tries to cover it up with an enormous necklace.
Connie then realizes the magnitude of what’s just happened and tells viewers, “Her cleavage ate my necklace.”
Leslie isn’t going to let the elephant on Bon’s chest screw up the fashion show, so she takes the initiative and leads Bonnie back to the dressing room for another try. Someone had to say something, but we can see Connie is getting pissed off that Leslie is taking control.
Connie, it’s for the best. Stop rolling your eyes and go read the obits for some leads on new merchandise.
What’s that Leslie? Oh wow, she’s going on about her fees again this week, “I’m doing it for free, but typically I get paid a nice fee for my services.” Then, as she starts teaching Bonnie how to maneuver the runway, we can see that Connie is getting even more irritated. Connie, let her do her thing.
Next Leslie is having a backyard BBQ in honor of her long lost son, Tyler. Someone must’ve told Bonnie and Whitney that it was a Dukes of Hazzard costume party, as that’s the only plausible explanation for what they’re wearing.
Whitney is eyeing Tyler from across the yard, and Kalyn gets jealous. Whitney later tells us, “I think Kalyn is crushing on Tyler, which is gross because they’re a brother and sister, ewww.”
Whit, they’re not a brother and sister. Remember, Leslie got Kalyn from the underprivileged friend in California and calls her a goddaughter. Never mind that the god-siblings had to be introduced to each other a few minutes ago.
Meanwhile Leslie rallies Bonnie to back her up on some changes she envisions at Woodhaven. They brainstorm about the zumba thing and other things like the menu. This is a club where golfers have been known to pack heat just in case they’re approached by gangs on the course—I’m thinking the menu is pretty far down the priority list on things that need sprucin’ up.
Bonnie tells us, “I thought her ideas were fabulous, plus I get the bonus of pissing off Pam.” You’re right, Bon. These are necessary changes.
Hannah arrives at the country club, where Whitney is laying out by the pool. Whitney greets her excitedly and asks why Hannah hadn’t called her to let her know she’s back in town. Um, Whit. Probably because you guys didn’t know each other before your moms started up with this show. But Hannah plays along, “I’ve been busy.”
Whitney doesn’t waste any time telling her new friend Hannah about Tyler and how he’s going to be her boyfriend. It’s true, Whitney can try flirting, and if that doesn’t work, she can put him in a chokehold til he begs for mercy. Either way, she owns him.
There’s Tyler now. He shows up at the pool, and Style points a camera at him taking his shirt off like he’s some smokin’ hot grown-up. He has the chest of a little boy, people. This is just wrong on so many levels.
Hannah tells everyone that her mom is out of town, and while she’s not allowed to have a party inside the house, that Pamela never said anything about a party in the backyard. Hannah is proud of the loophole she’s discovered, “My mom is not the only resourceful one in the family.”
Whitney asks Kalyn how many girlfriends Tyler has (as if she’d know, they just met) and Kalyn replies, “He just doesn’t hang out with sluts.”
Objection. Non-responsive. Kalyn, just answer the question.
Whitney is back on the couch processing her feelings about what Kalyn has called her, “I don’t know what’s worse: being a slut or being in love with your brother.”
OK, Whit, sweetheart, they’re not siblings. And she called you a slut. Punch Leslie’s ungrateful little rescue project in the freaking face. Do it, Whitney. Do it.
But instead, Whitney tells us, “It’s just a matter of time before Tyler is mine, but first I have to get his psycho sister out of the way.” That’d be easy, call her real mom and tell her to come get her kid.
Back at the consignment shop, Connie is showing Grace what each of the ladies will be wearing in the fashion show. I like Grace; she seems genuine. And when her mom tells her how stressed she’s been, Grace offers some advice, “Why don’t you get someone to help. Maybe Leslie.” The idea is shot down faster than exclusive country clubs slamming the door on Style Network’s butt.
But Grace is sweet, and she tells her mom how proud she is of her. Awww, Grace. We love you. And even if we end up hating your mom later in the season, we’ll have to remember she raised you right.
Back at the club Whitney and Tyler are playing doubles against Kalyn and her friend Aaron. Whitney subtly shakes her booty in Tyler’s face and Kalyn yells, LOOOOSER like a good little pageant girl.
After the tennis match, Kalyn tells Aaron that Tyler just arrived, and Whitney is “already all over him.” Kalyn, just wait until Hannah’s party, where Whit straddles him in front of all the guests. If you’re already annoyed, it’s gonna be a long episode, sister. Yep, she is way annoyed, as evidenced by the term she just coined to describe Whitney: Texas hussie.
Anyway, must be Sadie Hawkins Day at the club ‘cause Whitney just asked Tyler out on a date.
At Leslie’s house, Tyler comes down in a shirt that’s way too big and tells his mom he has a date with Whitney. A second later, Classy Whit screeches up in her Hummer and lays on the horn. So romantic.
Cut to the private interview where Whitney is telling us what she’s planned for the evening, “I’m taking him to a nice seafood restaurant in Dallas, because I’m a bada**.”
At Ocean Prime, Tyler breaks the silence by making a funny face and then asking, “Did those tattoos hurt?” Whitney snaps back, “Did your face hurt?” Awk. Ward.
Next we see Bonnie and Leslie pull up to the country club for a meeting with Woodhaven’s owner, Lou Scoma. Lou is like the Fort Worth version of Danny DeVito meets Tony Soprano, and regardless of what Pam says, he makes the decisions. About everything from allowing reality TV shows to film on the property, to menu selections. So the ladies present their ideas. And since Pam is out of the country spraying mace on suspicious-looking Spaniards, there is little opposition.
Back at Ocean Prime, Whitney works to make Tyler more uncomfortable, “What do you think of girls with boob jobs?”
Tyler doesn’t hesitate, “I like it.” What else would he say? It’s not like he wants to make his mom feel bad.
Whitney: So no one is at your house.
Ty: I’m pretty sure.
Whitney: Really? You want to go back?
Ty makes a face like a 7-year-old that’s just been offered a trip to Disneyworld and says, “Oh, yeah.”
Whitney scans the restaurant for the waiter yelling, “Cheeeeck!” And they leave.
But it seems that Kalyn is home after all, so they kiss goodnight on the doorstep, and Whitney asks him out for a second date. Then she tells us, “After I kissed Tyler, I left because I’m a lady. I ain’t no skank.”
“Ain’t no skank” is your best proof that you’re a lady? We might need to fine-tune that argument just in case you ever find yourself defending the same thing again.
Kalyn tells us, “I hope he didn’t catch skank-tinitus.” Kalyn, are you listening? She ain’t no skank.
Looks like Lou is a zumba fan because that’s what’s goin’ down in the yoga room at Woodhaven. Call me crazy, but I think we’ve got some hired peeps in the class posing as club members. Either that or J Lo’s back-up dancers also go to Woodhaven.
Connie shows up for yoga but adapts to the change and joins in the fun. After she reminds Bonnie and Leslie that Pam won’t be happy. Bonnie admits, “I don’t care what the wicked witch of Texas thinks.”
Bon, can you not massacre the whole state? How about wicked witch of Plano?
Next, the women (sans Pamela) are in a West End loft waiting for Connie, who is running late for her own rehearsal. In an effort to make good use of time, Leslie gets the models started with practice.
When Connie arrives and finds that everyone isn’t just standing around, she gets mad and kicks Leslie out of the show. Connie, you have a limited number of women willing to model used clothing on national television, so that probably wasn’t your best move to date. You’re dragging us down. We need a party.
Not exactly what I had in mind, but it’ll do. We’re in Plano in Hannah’s backyard, where the bash is getting started. The yard looks really suburban. It’d be fine if Pamela didn’t try to make it look like Versailles with oddly placed, tacky statues of people with fruit on their heads.
Hannah takes Kalyn across the yard to introduce her to some people, so Whitney takes the opp to jump Tyler and plant a shockingly aggressive kiss on him.
Whit is under the impression Kalyn is staring her down, so here’s where she straddles him on a chaise lounge. Kalyn is embarrassed for Ty and bolts across the yard to take him away. She tells him they need to go.
Whitney makes missing an hour of Shark Week worth it and hollars out, “Excuuuuussssse. Me.” Then she starts working her way over to Kalyn like a Great White heading for a goldfish.
Whitney: Everyone at this party is talking about you.
Kalyn: Are they talking about you and your whoreness?
Kalyn, let Leslie teach you about pageants, not how to thrash someone with insults, K? Really, whoreness?
Other loud, class-less words are thrown around, and the girls get in each other’s faces. Just when we think there’s going to be a girl fight, Kalyn runs away, dragging Tyler with her. Then ain’t-no-skank-Whitney flashes a middle finger to seal the deal about being a lady.
Cut to the consignment shop, where Connie takes a call from Pamela, who has extended her stay in Spain and can no longer be in the fashion show. I think she’s calling from Plano, and she just wasn’t convinced enough heavy-hitters would be there.
The night of the fashion show has arrived, and Connie is running around looking like an electrocution in couture. I kid you not: her hair is sticking straight up off the top of her head.
Connie’s stress over the dwindling supply of models is at an all-time high. Then what does she see through the shadows of her spiky coif? Leslie. She has risen above the pettiness and attended the show as a spectator in support of her friend. Classy move, Les. No wonder you suck so bad at insulting people, you’re too nice.
Connie seems touched and asks Leslie to be in the fashion show. Leslie agrees and the show is a success. Or as Connie put it, “We killed it.” Now let’s wash that gel out of your hair, Conn. K?
Next, look who is back from Spain. Pamela shows up at Woodhaven for yoga and walks in on the new zumba class, “This isn’t a country club, it’s a nightclub.”
To be fair, Pamela, it wasn’t much of a country club anyway.
Leslie sees Pamela and runs over to her, hoping she’s impressed with the peppy vibe in the room. Pamela observes the changes and asks, “Who’d you bang for that?” Bang? Really?
I’m sure there’d have been more zumba talk but Leslie inadvertently tattles on Hannah for having a party. Pamela’s head is spinning just thinking about all the people she wants to chop up, from Lou to Hannah. She excuses herself, “I need to go get a silver platter, so I can put some heads on it.”
Pamela confronts Hannah. But the response is already drafted, “It wasn’t a party, it was a get-together, and it wasn’t in the house, it was in the backyard.”
Hannah, not to be picky but typically one doesn’t hire a band for a get-together.
Pamela is furious, “I’m traveling, and you’re here having a wingding?”
Wingding? Bang? It’s weird, Pam. That’s what that is.