Dallas had a tough act to follow after the death of who could unquestionably be called its franchise character, and, despite having to rewrite the entire second half of the series, acquitted itself admirably.

Two hours down, two hours to go for this season! Here’s some questions: Will Victoria Principal finally show up? What the heck is J. R.’s Masterpiece anyway? (My bet? It’s barbecue sauce).

The deaths of Chris and the Anti-Pam’s unborn twins at the end of last week’s episode brought still more sad times for the Ewing family, especially for their parents.  Christopher, who is Bobby Ewing’s heir not only to his estate and holdings, but also as the show’s straight-arrow Eagle Scout hero, is a broken man. He bearing the onus of having his life’s work, his innovative methane project, being the cause of the explosion that claimed his children’s lives as well as receiving the blame for causing the ruination of his family’s fortunes.

Everything’s riding on the Ewings’ meeting with the Texas EPA, whose report Sue Ellen’s inside guy Lee Majors assures will reveal two explosions taking place on the Ewing Energies rig, reeking of sabotage. But the next day (while seated at a ridiculously huge round table on loan from the set of Dr. Strangelove), the EPA suits tell the clan that they are being held liable for the blowup and that a glitch in Chris’ fail safes is responsible. Then they lay out the biggest whammy: a fine of one billion-with-a-“B” dollars. Bobby tells the bureaucrats to shove their report up their asses (hear that? That’s Miss Ellie rolling over in her grave, trying to find her switch — the time-honored Texas solution for pottymouthed boys) and the fam retreats to their offices to lick their wounds and plot their next course.

John Ross, under duress from Chris for inside info from the Barnes camp, goes to Pamela’s penthouse. There he finds several prescription bottles and a dead-eyed Pamela Rebecca Barnes sitting on the balcony, gazing out into the Dallas skyline. No stranger to ex-lovers deciding to take the Nestea plunge from high-rises (let’s pour one on the curb for Season One’s sexpot looney toon Marta del Sol), jr* brings her inside and tries to console her, even making tea. While poor Pamela is still doped up, he manages to hook up a flash drive to her laptop and download some important documents. Before he leaves, he offers the Anti-Pam some news about the explosion, that it wasn’t Chris’ fault. Later, she begs her ex to exact revenge on whomever  was responsible.

(*Making tea? For that Barnes woman? You’re gonna have to work a bit harder to earn your daddy’s ALL CAPS, Junior.)

Chris shows up in Ken Richards’ gentleman’s club (and no, it’s not the kind you see in the back of the Observer:  the kind where you get Coke and brandy, not the kind where you do coke with Brandi) and has terse words with the EPA official, accusing him of punking-out on turning over the audio reports that would exonerate Chris of negligence. When the Six Million Dollar Man acts clueless, he threatens to reveal to the public Richards’ duplicity and starts a fight with the club’s bouncer before getting thrown out. When Elena shows to pick him up he lashes out, accusing her of being glad that his kids are out of the way because motherhood would have held her back from being a big, bad oil tycoon. She gives him a well-deserved smack in the face and storms out.

Emma Ryland is stopped while horseback riding by her skeevy dad Harris, who tells her to stop catting around with Drew Ramos. After telling her pops to mind his own, she later invites Drew — who apparently is gonna stick around the ranch a little longer, despite his guilt in installing the bomb — on a date, and shares a nice snog with him. Big mistake. Harris and his goons blindside him that night before he can meet Emma. She tries to numb her pain at being stood up by returning the attentions of a much-older man at the bar, but before things go too far, Harris shows up and offers to take her to Drew. In a scene from a demented, Peckinpah-scripted episode of Full House, Daddy reminds her of that one time when she was a little girl, she defied him  and rode on a horse that nearly killed her. He had to put the horse down — kinda like what he what he just did with Drew. As Emma looks on Drew’s beaten and battered face, she nods. Message received. How rude, indeed!

Sue Ellen then has a meet with Richards. Over a watered-down whiskey (clawing back to the wagon, perhaps?) she gives him hell, reminding him of what happens when enemies cross the Ewings, especially when all of them are united like Voltron in a Stetson. The next day Richards meets with Governor Sam McConaughey (who I instantly recognized as “That One Dude from Wings,” but whose SAG card reads “Steven Weber”) who indulges in the Obama-supported sport of skeet shootin’.  It’s revealed that the Guv squashed Richards’ report, and has blackmailed him into silence by threatening to reveal some environmental malfeaseance in Ken’s past. When Ken continues to show less than blind allegiance to his boss, McConaughey orders his resignation. Richards then picks his side, sending Sue Ellen documents that show that the Governor’s main contributor is Harris Ryland.

Sue Ellen goes to Bobby, demanding to know what J. R. was up to before he died. He lets her in on his late big bro’s Master Plan, which seems to be now taking form. He meets with Carlos del Sol, who brings a floozy (Rhonda) that J. R. met while in Mexico. Rhonda tells that J. R. was sniffing into Ryland Transport’s dealings with a drug cartel. Also, Junior’s flash drive with stuff he’d stolen from Pamela’s computer yields a trump card for the family’s hand: Katherine Wentworth’s will, which left Barnes Global to her kids Cliff, Rebecca, and Pam. With Pam believed dead (or alive and well and living in Abu Dhabi, only Victoria Principal’s agent knows for sure) her third of the company would go to her closest living descendant: Christopher Ewing.

The high-fives are gonna have to wait, however, as Governor McConaughey meets with his puppetmaster. Harris Ryland is apparently an avid Animal Planet fan, and tells the crooked politician about a scene from a documentary about a komodo dragon taking down a buffalo. The dragon is smaller than its chosen prey, but will ultimately win due to its slow-acting but deadly venom. That, and a buttload of patience. As the episode closes, we see that heady Ryland patience and venom cocktail wreak doom upon the Ewings. And with Ewing Energies hamstrung, the family’s sole source of oil revenue is the one on the Henderson ranch. The State seizes the property, invoking eminent domain. John Ross pleads with Bobby to begin drilling on Southfork immediately, but Bobby says that will take weeks to start up, and in not enough time to stave off the EPA fine.

*******

So that was the eleventh episode of Season Two, “Let Me In”! Only four episodes left over two nights! As the late, great Don Cornelius would have said, it’s all gonna be a stone gas, honey!

Once again, I’m sad to report that the Mapscos will once again lie dormant, as even armed with a DVR I didn’t see any area landmarks this episode. Maybe y’all did.

See y’all next week!

So last week’s episode was the bomb engineered by Elena’s black sheep bro Drew Ramos and remotely detonated by old-school enemy Cliff Barnes. On Monday we dealt with the fallout.

Can the Ewings pull together now that J.R. has passed? And to which family member did J.R. leave the ranch?

In preparation for the very last episode of The Bachelor that I ever plan to watch, I did some research. According to Us Weekly, Sean Lowe said, “I want someone who’s selfless and who worries about other people, not just themselves. On top of that, I just want someone cool.” Well, to the surprise of no one—other than possibly Lindsay—the Born-Again Virgin proposed to Catherine. And they’ll live happily ever after being selfless and cool (probably in a home filled with furniture). At least until Dancing with the Stars begins taping. Sorry. I have nothing left.

J. R. Ewing got shot, again, but this time the bullet won. Thanks, Mr. Hagman, for being the best at being bad.

It’s Larry Hagman’s last episode, but we’re not really left wondering “Who shot J.R.” More like, “Where do we go from here?”

A&E’s hit reality series Storage Wars visited a hidden gem of the music community that not even a lot of locals know by name.

Do you like the 1993 American comedy Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? If so, you must have been in heaven for this week’s episode of The Bachelor .

The latest episode of Dallas ties loose ends, with the trial, the divorce, and that plot hanger-on, Venezuelan oiligarch/gangster Vicente Cano.

It’s time to talk about last night’s Bachelor “Hometown Date” episode, and my heart is heavy.

Annie is put on the stand for murder and Drew gets busted by the county mounties in the latest episode of Dallas.

Not many recappers would leave the comfort of home on a rainy Saturday for a trip to Freed’s Furniture, where you can afford your dreams. But because I love you and affordable dreams. . .

Let’s check back in with the newly-perforated Harris Ryland, who is lying on his back bleeding-out, courtesy of a gunshot wound administered by Ann Ewing at the end of last week’s episode.

Your humble recapper is a very cheap lady. I don’t have a DVR. Sometimes that poses a problem for this little recapping side job. For instance, last night, I had a dinner run late, so I go home 32 minutes after the hour. Normally, I would ask a few friends for input but since my friends have given up on The Bachelor, I’m on my own. So my apologies. I did manage to catch the remaining 1.5 hours, and I was able to deduce that the cast made the cattle drive from Montana to Canada and that Catherine was given the first one-on-one date. I presume that she straddled Sean, made out with him, and was rewarded with a rose.

Once again the ambulance is called. When I returned to the regularly scheduled program already in progress, someone is being carried from a lake by a group of people. It’s our girl Tierra, rocking some mad shakes and Liza/Caberet makeup! Apparently the group date included a “polar bear plunge,” wherein the women were encouraged to show their love and devotion to Sean by jumping in a freezing lake. When Tierra begins to display symptoms of hypothermia, the show’s producers seem oddly unprepared. A group of people carry her to an SUV and then pat her. Then she’s moved to a wheelchair and given coffee, and I guess they pray the shakes away because by the time Sean visits, she’s no longer shaking, but an oxygen tube is hanging from her nose. Look, I have no idea if she was really ill. Seems like jumping into a freezing lake would be hazardous. All I know is, Sean is wearing shorts when he comes by for a visit.

“I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s the third time!” Tierra says as she makes room for Sean to lie in her bed. “You were unresponsive for a second there. It like scared me,” he tells her. “You keep finding ways to have one-one-one time with me.” He kisses Tierra and tells her to take it easy and rest instead of coming to the group date cocktail party. Silly Sean.

Obviously, Tierra comes to the cocktail party.

The only other thing of note here is that our friend Sarah decides to give Sean a surprise at the cocktail hour. On the list of fun surprises, looking at other people’s family photos does not rate very high. But that’s her surprise. And as Sarah shows Sean images from her childhood and prattles on about how excited she is for Sean to meet her family, we can see Sean disengage.

And when the party is over—political consultant Lesley M. wins the rose and Tierra begins planning her next malady—Sean pulls Sarah aside. He tells her that he’s not feeling it, and he doesn’t want to lead her on, so she needs to get the hell out. It actually was super sad. She, of course, blames herself and says, “I don’t know why this always happens to me.” Ugh. I just hate that. Are men scared away by the one-arm thing? I don’t know. But she’s a pretty lady and it stinks seeing people sincerely crushed on television. Anyway, Sean escorts her out and gives her a hug before sending her on her way. I guess even Sean realized laying a Frenchie on her at this point would be inappropriate. “That’s the way love goes,” Sarah says during the long walk towards the limo. Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire, Sarah. We wish you well.

If you commit to something, you can make it work. No matter what. Desiree is the winner of the second one-on-one date. For those of you (not) keeping up at home, this is her second one-on-one. This date consists of repeling, eating, drinking, and sitting in a teepee. Throughout the activities, Desiree reveals that she likes climbing trees, grew up living in tents and trailers, and she’s a smile talker. She and Sean kiss about 100 times and talk about taking things to the next level, which I took to mean sex, but probably just means the next round of the game show. Anyway, she gets the rose.

I’m emotionally invested in all eight of them. Sean is wearing a three-piece suit, so he’s clearly inVESTed. (I’m sorry. This is painful for all of us.) And the girls are playing to win. AshLee shows up with a surprise of her own. Forget family photos! (She doesn’t actually have a family, so that’s sad.) This girl brought a blindfold. It’s not what you think. See, AshLee is a control freak, so she would like for Sean to blindfold her and then lead her around the room, do whatever he needs to do, “signifying what I would allow you to do in this relationship.” Quickly bored of this game, Sean just picks her up, places her on a chair, and makes out with her.

Selma also has a surprise. Remember, she has remained cold sore free because of her respect for her parents, and she had previously told Sean that she would not kiss someone who was not her serious boyfriend on national television. Well, the woman is not an idiot. She knows she has to do something. This guy likes to kiss people. So she tells him to close his eyes, and she plants one on him. Then she weirdly channels Miranda Priestly and says, “That’s all.”

But it’s too little too late. Poor Selma and Daniella are shown the door. The end.

We all know that couple that makes us sad. You have that super nice, but kind of boring— and really passive—friend who has chosen to partner with an absolutely unhinged, nightmare of a person.

Police investigating Tommy’s disappearance discover blood, and the case turns into a homicide investigation, turning up the heat on the Ewings.

I was very sad to miss Tierra Mist sporting a neck brace on last week’s Bachelor. To be honest, I wish there could be a somewhat serious injury every episode. We need something here—drama, open wounds, new cast members. (Trauma: Life in the ER, anyone?) This show is so super boring this time. Sean seems like a nice kid, but my God. Something needs to happen. I assume the producers are bored, too. This might explain this week’s episode: The Bachelor: Kill Me Deadly.

Deadly Date No. 1: Rock climbing. Selma is a tiny Iraqi real estate developer who likes to wear high heels. One imagines she is less than pleased when Sean shows up wearing a shirt that looks suspiciously similar to an Outback Red number I sported in eighth grade. After limo and plane rides, the couple arrives at their final destination, and Selma is unhappy. “He took the Iraqi to the desert. I do not do well in the heat. At all,” she says.

But Sean has a plan. “I want to take the glamorous girl out of her element. I’m not gonna tell this girl nothin’” Anyway, he makes her climb a large rock in the middle of the desert. The good news: Selma does very well. He rewards her efforts with a trip to an RV park where the two eat dinner, engage in baby talk, and exchange a rose. Unfortunately, that’s all that’s exchanged as Selma—due to her strict upbringing—is not going to kiss a man who is not her boyfriend on national television. So good for her. And good for Sean for not punishing her for it, although how big of a jerk would he look like if he did? Anyway.

Deadly Date No. 2: Roller Derby. I don’t like to brag, but I used to be a really good roller skater. I’m not saying I could have gone pro, but I had some pretty kickass routines to various songs from the Grease and Xanadu soundtracks. Children of the 1980s skated. Children born in the 1980s (or 1990s!) did not. And that’s bad for these young women because they are given a very nasty roller derby “date.” They can’t stand on skates—never mind get close enough to one another for a brawl. And poor Sarah. She has but the one arm, and it really affects her balance. It just seems cruel.

For whatever reason, Amanda has been pretending that she is experienced in the art of roller derby. Unfortunately, the jig is up when she falls and all but breaks her chin. She is carted off to the ER, and someone finally makes the call that this derby date can’t go down. Sean turns the affair into a couples’ skate date, but even that’s kind of a bust because he can’t skate either.

What else? Later, Amanda comes back with her chin intact and Sean is giving her mouth-to mouth, when Tierra Mist loses her mind. Again. “Can I go? I want to leave.” she says to no in particular. She heads not for the exit though—she hunts down Sean so that she can tell him that she is leaving. (For whatever reason, this reminds me of the best movie in the world, The Betty Broderick Story, when Betty tells the jury that she broke into her ex husband’s house to commit suicide but then ended up killing him and his new wife.) Tierra Mist is becoming unhinged. “I deserve so much more than this…I can’t take the fakeness! I am breaking down inside and holding it in!”

Sadly, the drama works. Sean forsakes Amanda in the hot tub and goes to Tierra’s aid. “You know what I know? You like me and you want to spend more time with me,” he says with a smile. They kiss, he tells her that he is crazy about her, and then he gives her the damn rose. Acting like a jerk is rewarded once again.

Deadly Date No. 3: Pretty Woman. Look, I know a lot of people love that movie. And lots of ladies think that whole montage of Julia Roberts shopping for clothes with Richard Gere is just the best thing ever. But let’s remember that the night before, Vivian was trying to watch I Love Lucy and Edward pretty much made her turn it off and do dirty things to his body for money. I’m just not a super fan of that show. Luckily, Leslie H. is a super fan because her one-on-one date is Pretty Woman date. She gets diamond earrings. Sean takes her out shopping for a new dress, shoes, and a purse. She also gets to borrow a diamond choker from Neil Lane.

Here’s the thing, Sean hates Pretty Woman, too. He wants to go rock climbing or roller skating or hot tubbing. You can’t take your shirt off at a formal dinner, guys, and Sean looks miserable in his tux. He’s barely listening while Sarah H. talks about being a poker dealer, her stance on women in combat, and what she thinks about the new George Saunders book. Okay, I don’t actually know what she was saying either. Two hours is a super long time to watch this show, guys. Sean is so bored that he dismisses poor Sarah H. before the private concert. (How pissed was that band?) The rose drops to the ground in slow motion, and we are done.

Deadly Date No. 4: Rose Ceremony. Again, not really death defying. Just a bit soul crushing. Not much to report. Tierra Mist decides to apologize to some of the girls for her behavior. Robyn asked Sean if he likes the taste of chocolate before eating his face. And Amanda the fit model and chin victim is the lone contestant sent home. Seems unfair, just like life.

Dallas is back for a second season. But can the TV drama survive without Larry Hagman?

An attempt at the longest ever on screen kiss provides a clever ploy for at least one girl vying for Dallas’ Sean to get her rose.

For whatever reason, the producers have decided to jazz up this season’s show. Why mess with a good formula?

The Bachelor is back, and the man of the hour is Sean Lowe, an insurance salesman from Dallas, Texas. Apparently, he was a loser in love on Emily’s season.

Perhaps the biggest news to happen in the past two episodes was not one, but TWO engagements.

After a week off, Big Rich Texas is back in full force. Last night, the ladies packed their bags and jetted to New Orleans to celebrate Leslie’s bachelorette weekend.