Style Network, having already proven their inability to recruit reps from Dallas’ elite social circles, has added a new mother/daughter trio to the lineup. I had hoped one of them would be ballsy enough to shove the season one ladies aside and finally knock Pamela Martin Duarte off her yoga matt.

But after watching the premiere, I have little faith that party planner DeAynni can get the job done.  And it’s not because she lives in Colleyville, spells her name really weird and ..read more

Come back tomorrow for my Big Rich Texas season 2 premiere recap.

9:00 Season 2 previews. It looks as if Whitney kicks Kalyn’s crown-wearin’ butt. And Heidi Dillon hits the set.

8:58 pm. Bonnie storms out to the fields and confronts Leslie about the Tyler thing. Screaming. More screaming. Cussing. Whitney gives Leslie a double-handed birdie and they take off in a pickup truck.

It seems that the big hunting gala is being held in Mesquite. Better than Fort Worth I guess.

8:56 pm. ..read more

All good things must come to an end. And so, too, must bad things, apparently, because here we are, recapping the final episode of The A-List Dallas. In appreciation for our patience with the countless prayer circles, unsuccessful interventions, and ridiculous conversations about Austin, Logo has rewarded us. “Showdown at the Rodeo” featured a special guest star! The Wade Earp of the Texas Gay Rodeo Association is on this thing! I kid, I kid. Actually, he is on the episode. ..read more

“Forgive my vengeful ways” should be what the Logo execs write in my Christmas card. They should also enclose a check for $25 by way of apology. (My time is not all that valuable after all, and let’s be honest. I’d be watching something just as dreadful if not for this show.) But let’s stop dreaming of a fair world, and instead focus on the “Forgive My Vengeful Ways” episode of The A-List Dallas.

I don’t mind a little wood in ..read more

According to this new extended peek of the revival of Dallas, which will air next summer on TNT, no television program has ever done more for mankind:

You may have noticed, but we get a kick out of reality TV around here. That’s why I share this next bit of news with mixed feelings. On the one hand, if you show up at Primo’s in Uptown on December 1, you may have a chance to be the next Kardashian by starring in the second season of NBC’s “Love in the Wild.” That’s because the producers are holding an open casting call at Primo’s for the dating reality show tomorrow. The bad news is, of course, if you actually succeed in getting on the show, then you’ll be subject to the razor sharp wit of one Ms. Laura Kostelny. It’s a toss up. I leave it to you to decide. Here are the details. Be sure to bring your bikini bod.

Did you know that the best way to distract a possible alcoholic from drinking is with horseback riding? Had you any idea that you need a colonic to participate in certain auctions? Were you confused as to whether all people—gay, straight, breathing—hate speed dating? We learned all that and more on this exciting episode—”Horseplay,” if you must know—of The A List Dallas.

I have a little something that I need to talk about. After making millions of dollars from her cutting-edge ..read more

I watched last night’s episode—”Bat Crazy,” for those who care—of The A-List Dallas so you don’t have to. Before we get down to all the wonderful, exciting, fabulous things these selfless, young A-Listers accomplished at various bars around town, can I just throw my hat in the ring to the good people at Logo? Listen, I know the main reason for doing a reality television show is that it’s cheap. And fine, don’t spend a lot of money on production. ..read more

I’m filling in for our friend Merritt Patterson on the very important task of chronicling the misadventures of the super-elite, very highbrow, petite sophisticates that are the A-List Dallas. Episode six, entitled “Get Out From Under My Boot,” is all about how the gang uses their powers for good as they stamp out child poverty—getting the children out from under the metaphorical boot of the one percent, as it were.

Actually, it’s not. Episode Six is about Levi. Everyone—even Levi—wants to ..read more

This week we meet up with Levi at a local modeling agency where he’s holding an open call for hot bods to demo his underwear line at the Inch Wear launch party. One at a time, models enter wearing the product. Levi seems to forget he’s working. Or that he has a boyfriend.

Next, Taylor and Levi are walking the dogs and Taylor breaks the news that he’ll be on a business trip the night of the Inch Wear party. In addition to insisting the dogs are inbred, Levi tells Taylor he’ll be missed. But I already watched this whole episode and I know that’s a big fat lie. The part about being missed, not the inbred thing because I think that could be legit.

Taylor should have stopped when he heard he’ll be missed but he couldn’t help himself, “We’ve been, like, dating for a few weeks now and, like, I kind of wanna know where we stand.” Levi doesn’t have an answer prepared so he pretends to have an important smartphone matter to handle. Taylor accuses him, “Who are you messaging? Chase?”

Taylor, stop. Levi wouldn’t do that. What’s that, Levi? Oh, sorry, Taylor, he would do that. But still, shut up.

Taylor: I just want to know how you see things going.

Levi: I’m not seeing anyone else, are you?

Taylor: No, I’m not. So, you would say we’re boyfriends then?

Levi: You and this boyfriend word.

Tay. Lor. Stop it. You’re on TV, where’s your dignity?

Next, Levi and Johnny the party planner are checking out a venue. Cut to Levi’s private interview where he turns into a valley girl, “Everything has to be purfuuct.” Then he gets all philosophical, “I’m evolving as a person, my business is evolving. And I just had the greatest idea to take my party to the next level.”

Levi runs the plan by Johnny, “I see models in gorilla outfits, the mask comes off. They’re in underwear.” Levi, have you been smokin’ something other than cigs?

Over dinner, Levi tells Chase that Ashley’s photos were “overexposed crap.”

So Chase goes shopping with Phillip and tells him the photos from the shoot aren’t being used. Phillip doesn’t take it very well and he hasn’t even found out he’s been replaced with apes.

Next, Levi (wearing a shirt that says “stay hard”) meets Chase for a super flirtatious workout at Larry North. Chase tells Levi to stop lusting, Levi tickles Chase. Seriously, don’t tickle people in a gym. In fact, don’t tickle.

Elsewhere, Phillip breaks the photo news to Ashley, “He pretty much said your work wasn’t good enough.”

Ash is upset, “I dropped everything that I was doing to make those photos happen for him.” What were you doing? Hanging out with your husband?

Ashley looks at Phillip and points to her eye, “Do you see that? That’s a tear.” Actually I don’t see anything, Ashley. But I did see the photo shoot with high noon sun on your subject.

Rewind. Pause. Nope, still don’t see a tear.

Levi invites Taylor and Chase to a friendly game of poker. Taylor lets us know, “I’ve never gambled. It’s against my religion.” So he tosses religion and joins the game. But when he picks up on a little flirtatious vibe between Levi and Chase, Taylor starts to cry.

OMG. Tickling in the gym. Crying during a poker game. You can be gay and still be a grown-up. You know that, right?

You can be a jerk too. Just like Chase, “I have no problem taking anything from Taylor; his chips, his dignity.”

So Taylor folds. Chase notices. And Levi dreams about scantily clad monkeys.

Next, it’s the day of the Inch Wear party and we get a glimpse of the models rehearsing the striptease routine they’ll perform later, dressed as gorillas. This has to be the moment where at least one of the gorilla strippers ponders his life and says, “Where did I go wrong?”

Levi wants to make sure we get the deep meaning of the monkey thing, “It’s just the idea of Ape evolving into man and man is really good looking and has a good pair of underwear on.” I’m pretty sure those are the words Darwin was looking for.

The party has started and Ashley arrives in a 95% transparent black dress, ready to suck Levi’s blood. She corners him and hisses. He tells her he can’t talk about it tonight but she’s not having any of that. So he takes the high road and acknowledges the positive, “Thank you for the pictures, we got one good one.”

Ashley is fuming so she pulls Chase aside to trash Levi. While they’re talking, the men in gorilla suits start to file out. Ashley is frightened, “I can’t deal with that, I’m so scared.” 

Ashley, you do realize these aren’t real gorillas, right? She must not because she gets close to Chase for protection.

Call me crazy but if I were under the impression that a half a dozen apes could reach out and grab me, I’d climb a tree before I sought cover with a man who wears silk scarves.

Cut to Phillip sharing his opinion about the monkey suits, “That’s so random, I mean this has nothing to do with underwear.” Phillip, connect the dots- monkeys, undergarments, evolution. Get it? If you do, call me and explain it.

Next, Chase tells us, “Levi did a very good job picking the models because when they stripped out of those costumes, I turned into a top. But just for about 15 minutes.”

After Levi issues a big welcome using a banana shaped microphone, Ashley attacks  again.

Ashley: Let’s talk about this, honey.

Levi: Shut up, I’m not going to do this.

Ashley: One picture?

Levi: I didn’t know you had nipples until today.

Ashley: What the Hell does that mean?

Ash, it means we can all see through the dress just like you planned. For real, I saw your crack. And calm down, he’s gay.

But Ashley believes gay men shouldn’t notice if she’s practically naked. So she throws her drink in his face.

Later, Levi is handing out bananas as party favors and approaches Ashley and James. James defends Ashley’s behavior and Levi makes a point from his alcohol induced haze, “We’re talking about professionality.”

Is that even a word?

Ashley starts in on Levi again but he interrupts her, “Oh, sorry, your nipple just winked at me.”

She throws another drink in his face and glass number 2 shatters on the ground. She storms out of the party yelling something I can’t quite make out then shouts, “Oh my gosh, I just said a bad word for you, that is a shame.”

Drop the charade, Ash. You’re one layer short of nude at a male genitalia measuring party, drinking alcohol, punching people and breaking glassware. You want us to believe you hurl cuss words only in rare fits of self-defense?

The party ends and Chase tells Levi, “I’m proud of you, Baby.” Levi kisses Chase. And kisses him again. And again.

Viewers across America scream at the TV, “NOOOOOO.”

Chase invites Levi to his place for a cocktail and they drive away. Levi, you’re a total bad a** jerk. If you weren’t so beautiful, we’d hate you.

Episode 3 of Logo TV’s A-List Dallas picks up with the after-drama from last week’s Footloose party where Taylor had just nudged Phillip and Levi, sending them on a fully-clothed, partially-couture, surprise swim.  

Outside, Ashley selflessly jumps in front of Taylor, saving him from the violent shouts of preppy, upper middleclass gay men. But she’s unable to keep Levi from wrinkling Taylor’s shirt and knocking his bowtie slightly off-center.

The next day, Ashley goes shopping with James and as they try on trendy belts, they discuss the party chaos. Ashley relives the fear she experienced as she shielded Taylor, “I had a cowboy and an angry black man coming after me.”

OK, Ash, really? He was mad about his shoes getting wet. I’d call Phillip a modern day Richard Simmons but “an angry black man” he is not. Let’s be done with this topic, K?

Besides, James has some things he wants to discuss with you, “Finding love in the gay community is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.” But it seems things are taking a turn for the better. James tells Ashley about a new boy, Jarred, “He has perfect eyes, perfect teeth, perfect hair.”

Perhaps this is part of the problem, James. You’ve listed his top 3 remarkable qualities, all of which he could share with a serial killer. Let’s dig deeper, do the two of you share any common hobbies like drinking alcohol as soon as you wake up in the morning?

Maybe your list of non-negotiable items for a boyfriend could be altered. Like, he can have a dental history with periodic cavities but he has a really good heart. Think about that while we try to figure out what the Hell is up with Chase’s apartment.

Phillip has dropped by Chase’s pad, a long and oddly narrow space with an entire wall of awkwardly hung drapes, keeping the majority of his apartment out of view. Yes, there could be dead bodies on the other side of the curtain but I think it’s more likely that producers didn’t want to be stuck with the re-decorating bill so they updated one tiny strip of his living quarters and called us stupid it a day.

Phillip is there to talk about the incident at the party. He tells the dramatic, and now drastically distorted story from his view, “And at this point I kind of black out.”

No, you didn’t black out, Phillip. Your shoes got wet. When will we be moving on?

Not anytime soon because Chase chimes in, “Taylor is the most insincere, lying, manipulative boy-bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.”

Gentlemen, allow me. Taylor knocked Phillip in the pool at a party. Uncool. But super entertaining. He didn’t lie about it. He admitted it straight-up. He’s attractive. And more successful than both of you put together. I sense you’re trying to buck the social chain of command but it is simply not possible.

The brutal truth: Taylor brings more to the table in terms of home décor, earning potential, IQ and overall looks.  Sadly, this means that about one time each year he can throw any member of your group in the pool and you just have to deal with it. I’m sorry I had to be the one to explain this.

Team Taylor!

Next, Levi must have misplaced his phone because he drops by Ashley’s apartment on official business. He needs some photography done for his clothing line, Inch Wear, in preparation for an upcoming marketing campaign. Ashley isn’t sure she can fit him in to her busy picture taking sched. She eventually agrees to work  with him but warns they’ll need a studio at roughly $500 per hour. Levi hesitates and reminds her that she’s shooting swimwear and suggests a lake-type setting. She looks at him like he’s an idiot and reluctantly agrees.

Levi is considering Phillip as his model but needs him to come to Inch Wear headquarters for a fitting. To indicate that he’s at work, Levi wears glasses. Phillip demos the skimpy swim trunks in a conference room. Levi slaps his butt and the audition is over. Hired.

No wonder Ashley has such a cramped calendar, she’s super busy butting into the business of every gay man in the DFW area. Now she’s at The Pooch Patio with Taylor and their dogs. Taylor finds himself having to defend the pool incident to Ashley so he claims simply, “I was trying to spice it up.” In male language, that means, “shut up.” But she continues.

Ashley: You’re not owning it.

Americans in unison, speaking to the television: Go home to your husband, Ashley.

Taylor: [getting irritated] I’ve got two companies to run.

Ashley: [Hysterical, overblown ridiculousness about “a man out to get her” as she protected Taylor.]

Taylor: Butt out. [He exits stage right and the crowd cheers]

Ashley: I’ll definitely have Taylor on my prayer list tonight. (Ashley, while you’re at it, add your husband to the list. Something tells me he needs prayer too.)

Next up, viewers are invited to the closet of Phillip’s client, Kameron, where he’s dressing her for an event. He explains to Kameron that he wants to drop a few pounds on the quick because he’s modeling for Levi’s project. Kameron has a suggestion so I’m bracing for some crazy starvation diet.

Um, no.

She recommends that he get a colon cleansing. Why? Because she has a friend who swears by it after having a long lost Barbie shoe flushed out of her rectum.

Look, Kam, you need friends that don’t find misplaced items in their buttocks. And assuming Phillip’s colon is filled with Barbie shoes or the like, the difference in terms of BMI is not great enough to balance the discomfort of having an elective colon procedure. But thanks for your input.

Next we’re hanging out with James who is having drinks with the perfect teeth boy, Jarred, who dresses like he spends a lot of time on the set of Miami Vice. Here’s how the convo went down:

James: So what do you think?

Jarred: About?

James: About me.

[long, painful pause]

Jarred: You seem like a good guy.

Yeah that was a total crusher. Cut to the classic reality TV private interview where James is recovering, “I still believe in fairytales.”

Good, James. But unless “you seem like a good guy” is what the knight in shining armor of your fairytale says, I don’t think Jarred is the one. I mean, he could have been, but you screwed it up with the warning about how you’ll stalk him if you fall in love and then he ditches you.

Next time, save that for the second date.

Over at Dallas Colon Therapy, Phillip demonstrates that he values Kameron’s advice no matter how insane. He’s told by the technician that he needs to insert a tool that will allow them to begin the cleansing procedure. Phillip tells us, “I’m more of an exit-only type of guy.” Phillip, if you want to release your inner Barbie shoes, you’ll need to open your mind to new ideas.

Cut to the lake where Levi is stuffing Phillip’s swim trunks for the photo session. Ashley puts on her photographer hat and encourages Phillip to work the camera, “This is your lake.” Ashley complains about the sun’s position and how it’s ruining her shoot.

Ashley, this is the difference between a chick with a camera and real photographer. The real ones know about the sun and they schedule these sessions around the earth’s predictable daily rotation. It’s a reliable system and I highly recommend checking it out if you still want to be a photographer when you grow up.

Next, Chase shows up at Taylor’s very classy, masculine yet homey apartment. He wants to talk more about the pool scene because we haven’t beat that dead horse quite enough.

First, Taylor played naïve, “Wasn’t it a pool party?” But when that didn’t stick, he went down the “I was spicing it up” path. Chase is fed up and leaves without putting the pool-gate saga to bed.

James has recognized that his self-esteem issues impact his ability to find love so he hired a life coach. I’m not sure but I think he found her on the back of the Dallas Observer with the massage ads. They meet at the lake and sit on rocks while James completes his assignment; a list of things people have said about him that hurt his feelings. He begins.

1.    People say I’m a whore

2.    They think I’m spoiled

Then the life coach asks James to stand on the rocks, crumble the paper and commit a misdemeanor littering offense by throwing the list into the water, simultaneously releasing himself from the burden others have placed on him. She tells him to yell as loud as he can that he is good enough. He’s reluctant so she encourages him, “You’re spoiled, you’re a whore.”

James, I hope Logo picked up the coaching bill and that you got the opportunity to trip her down some stairs before the session ended.

Taylor and Levi finally meet up for a drink to discuss the topic that won’t go away. Taylor acknowledges, “It was a joke gone bad.” The two profess their feelings for one another and Levi decides he can get past the pool betrayal if Taylor will apologize to Phillip. Taylor agrees.

But just when viewers are feeling love in the air, Levi hits the private interview room, seemingly after taking a shot of truth serum, “The conversation is not that great, the drama is way too high, but the sex is…” Levi, are you sure you’re gay?

I was feeling sad for Taylor until he tells us, “Levi isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed so he’s pretty easy to manipulate.”

I’m starting to feel like this relationship could end up on a 48 Hours episode, just sayin’.

Levi heads over to meet Rob the marketing consultant. Rob immediately spots the amateur nature of Ashley’s photos and tells Levi they won’t work. Levi isn’t happy, “Ashley wasted my time and made a fool out of me.” The thing about the sun being in her way didn’t concern you, Levi?

Finally, Taylor makes the apology that should save us from hearing more about Phillip’s wet designer shoes. Though something in me feels that Taylor had his fingers crossed under the table and the apology could be voided at a later date.

Previews of next week’s episode make me giddy- a glimpse of Ashley getting rip roarin’ mad and Levi falling out of a chair.

Episode 2 of Logo TV’s A-List Dallas begins with a brainstorming session for a ginormous party that Chase is throwing. He’s asked gal-pal Ashley to help him get creative. She instantly throws out an incredibly unique idea, “Like a big dance theme.”

I’m pretty sure you could patent that, Ashley.

They fine tune the brilliance and decide on a Footloose theme. Chase is so impressed, “No one will expect that.” Really? Because the remake just hit big screens which makes me think there are Footloose paper goods at Party City.

But Chase is so happy he praises Ashley, “You have two extra brains in your boobs, that’s why you came up with such a big idea.” But Ashley must be hiding brains in more places than that because she’s not done yet, “We could do a flash-mob.”

Then, as if part of a script or something, the two break into a few painfully synchronized dance moves. Which we would have embraced had we known the content of the next scene.

Taylor, the Republican, Christian, gay arrives for laser hair removal and tells the technician he wants the full monty, “From my chest all the way down to my pubes.”  Raise your hand if you wish you hadn’t read that sentence.

Before the procedure begins he’s asked to slip on some protective eyewear. After confirming the glasses are Prada, he braces for the pain to be inflicted on areas that are blurred so as not to burn the retinas of innocent viewers.

Levi, you are beautiful.

Ashley has asked Levi to meet with her because, for some inexplicable reason, Ashley is in charge of these guys and Levi has the duty to convince her that he is truly interested in Taylor.  He begins by providing examples of how he knew they were in a long term, committed relationship before breaking up last year, “We dated for like 2 months, we did a lot of stuff together. We took the dog for walks and had brunch every Saturday.”

OK, wait a minute, last week you said y’all lived together. And now we find out the whole thing, start to finish, was only two months total? And your most compelling evidence of how close you were is 8 brunches? Levi?

Next Chase is meeting with the event planner, Donnie. So obviously Ashley is present. Don starts with the basics.

Q: Event location?

A: Ilume on Cedar Springs.

Q: Will there be any straight men there? (This is an actual question that an event planner asks?

But before Chase can answer, Ashley takes over, “Straight men rain on my parade. They bug me.” Hey Ash, isn’t your lawfully wedded husband straight? Where is he anyway?

Ashley makes sure Don is aware that she is coordinating a flash-mob and that she has it under control. Chase seems uneasy with this part.

As the party planning ends, Chase tells Ashley, “It’s like we’re getting married and trying to plan our wedding.” Yeah, totally, except for she’s already married and you’re gay.

Next Phillip and Levi are backpacking. In Dallas. They take a break in the shade and Phillip pops open a few beers, “I came prepared, girl.” Again, someone explain this. While gay, he’s still a male. Why do we keep referring to each other as “girl” and “queen” and the like?

Phillip takes the opp to tell Levi he has plans for a pedicure later in the day and then launches into heavier discussion about his mom and her denial of his sexual orientation. Levi is Ok with some deep backpacking convo and shares that he came out at age 16 and his familial experience is comfortable overall.

Next up, James. While he waits for Chase at Dream Café he pulls out a bottle of liquor and spikes his drink. Chase arrives and gets right to the point- James’ drinking is out of control. Not that he’s worried about James, he’s just concerned James will screw up the Footloose extravaganza and warns, “I’ll kick you out.”

James is perturbed and counter-warns that he better not be the only one getting this spiel. No, James, only the ones displaying a consistent tendency to drink themselves to oblivion and ruin parties. So he’s talking to you and, well, just you.

Next, more Footloose prep. Chase takes Ashley along to the menu tasting which can only be compared to letting a toddler alter your wedding gown. I guess she was looking for a veggie tray with a crockpot of Velveeta. With the chef looking on, she spits out hors d’oeuvres and sniffs a few selections with a wrinkled nose. Something tells me Ashley only eats at drive-thru chains when she’s not chasin’ moon pies with a Fresca.

Ash, you make me crave therapy. But no! Not with Phillip!

Too late. Alicia the counselor is deep in session with Phillip. He’s talking about his mom and how he’s been afraid to be himself. He claims this is the reason he hasn’t had a partner in more than 5 years. Phil, without the PhD necessary to analyze this with 100% validity, I feel confident saying that your mom is not the problem. Have you considered that it’s because you’re totally annoying?

But something clicks and Phillip agrees, “I just need to get my big girl panties on.” Again with the “girl” thing. You. Are. A. Guy. Gay or not, you’re male.

Next, we’re at a picnic where Levi and Taylor embrace a moment alone with some grapes and a bottle of wine. They have a convo about things going too fast before and agree to keep this second try on the down-low. Good luck with that, girls guys.

Back to Ashley, because it’s all about her. She’s at a studio for flash mob practice with a handful of anonymous dancers. None of them know the routine she’s choreographed and Ashley is stressed out as her big night the party is less than 24 hours away.

Phillip, who is that? He introduces us to “Lay-oh.” You’re such a valley girl Phillip, it’s Leo.

What first drew Phillip to Lay-oh? I mean, besides him being a “sexy-mexi.” It was the Burberry swimsuit Leo was wearing the night they met.  And I have to agree, a crisp signature plaid always makes a first impression complete.

Over at Ilume, Chase is meeting Donnie to go over last minute venue details. So of course, Ashley is there to run things. Ashley, go home to your husband. And put on some clothes.

Don is explaining how he envisions the flow of party traffic. Looks good to the host, the one paying the bill, but Ashley seems irritated, “My dancers need more space.” After some questions in an effort to accommodate, the host and planner realize Ashley only has 12 dancers.

Donnie clears things up, “That’s not a flash-mob. That’s a performance.” She then acknowledges that it’s “flash-mob style.”

She gets flippy, bordering on hysterical, and claims, “You’re stepping all over me and telling me what kind of style my dance is and everything.”

Cut to her private interview, “You don’t get to tell me where my dancers go. You go ahead Donnie, you take over the show, you dance.”

See that’s precisely the issue, Ash. It’s not a show. No one needs to dance for the guests. Otherwise, I’m sure Don would be happy to fill in.

Back to the venue where Ashley is still in a panic, “Do you even want the dance? Are you thankful and appreciative?” She stomps off, probably even tired of listening to herself.

It’s the night of Ashley’s Chase’s big party. Arriving in a rented white car of some sort, Ashley steps out looking like a 12 year old wearing an off-the-rack dress (I’m guessing Kohl’s) inspired by a mash-up of Cinderella and Hello-Kitty. Chase is looking cute, wearing a statement scarf with his hair styled a bit like Ducky from Pretty in Pink. James is going for the mafia look with his black suit and pink tie- smokin’ a cig.

Thank goodness for friends with class. Taylor, though dancing on a table, is sportin’ an adorable bowtie. And my beautiful Levi is precious in Penguin.

James is ready. He pushes his sleeves up and does a little impromptu bartending, serving shots that runneth over. Everyone around him is having a blast so Phillip does the math, “James Doyle equals hot mess.”

Phillip, I’ve got an equation for you: X=0. Phillip Willis + X = great big buzz kill. Solve that and leave James alone.

But Phillip runs to Chase and reports James’ activity behind the bar. Chase decides to blow it off like a grown up but Phillip argues the point, “If you don’t get mad, there won’t be enough chaos to satisfy my need for intense drama.” “What like the bartenders aren’t doing their job?”

Taylor sums it up perfectly and wins the award for best line of the night, “Phillip is like your neighbor’s dog, it never shuts up.”

Suddenly a Kenny Logins tune fills the air and Ashley starts to dance. Her carefully choreographed performance was designed to allow each guest ample time to worship her from every angle.

Look, Ashley, I don’t mean to pick on you, you’re a cutie but you’re also a bigger narcissist than Phillip, how’s that even possible?

Taylor, like the rest of America, is fed up with Phillip’s yappin’.  So I applaud his decision to accidentally on purpose back into Phillip who is standing at the edge of the pool. Sadly, as with all good party assassinations, there was an inadvertent casualty, Levi. Chase watched in horror as Levi and Phillip pulled themselves out of the pool,  “My party went from flash-mob to splash-mob.”

Chase, technically it wasn’t a flash-mob and if you’re going to throw a party with a pool in the center of it, expect a splash-mob. I’m only sad someone didn’t push Ashley in so we could see her without the West Texas curls. And Levi, Sweetheart, you’re hot even when you’re wet.

So while Taylor should have received the nightclub equivalent to a purple heart for his act of courage, he was unfairly booted from the party. This left cameramen no choice but to zoom in on Phillip running around shouting, “Where are my Salvatores?”

OMG! Phillip, Shut. Up. Just when I think Ashley is more annoying, you jump ahead like Seabiscuit.

Phillip declares, “This is not over.” And we’re left hanging until episode 3.

Catch up with all our Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

We did it! We made it through the first (and last?) season of Most Eligible Dallas. But if we thought the season finale—entitled “Pony Up”—was going to be easy to get through, we were dead wrong. We were forced to witness the charitable narcissist pretend to be a gentleman, Drew cry on cue, and a make-out session that will leave a mark on our brain forever. For that reason, I christen the ..read more

Even as a heterosexual, married, mother of 4, I’m feeling super qualified to take on the job of recapping A-List Dallas, Logo TV’s latest reality series featuring the drama-filled lives of 5 local gay guys and their “gal pal.” I’ve written a few columns about gay issues AND only 1 of my 3 gay friends is a hairdresser. And, to further prove my suitability for the assignment, I once did a night of bar hopping on Oak Lawn.

I’ve also lived ..read more

Episode 10 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas was one of those finales that left us feeling empty. Not like the abrupt ending of The Sopranos that had the entire country thinking the cable went out, or the season of Dallas that ended without revealing who shot JR. It was more like a longing to retrieve the 10 hours we know we’ll never get back.

Last week, Connie was about to go on vacay to Seattle, Leslie’s hometown. Pamela encouraged Connie to spend the time she would be visiting with extended family, to investigate Leslie’s claims of wealth and property ownership- something she could have done from home with an Internet connection. But Connie agreed and, like Agent P on a mission, she jumped into some portal and disappeared.

The season finale begins at Leslie’s new place. It’s the largest structure I’ve ever seen that didn’t also have a Chick-fil-A or a craps table. Kalyn, having just recently moved from a mobile home, is having trouble finding her way around but ran across an elevator which was helpful.

Leslie is busy planning a big housewarming party and tells us that she’s even invited Duarte, “Maybe she’ll finally shut up about my finances.”

Leslie reminisces with Kalyn about the time they’ve spent pretending to live in Texas and being active members of Woodhaven Country Club, “Think about when we first got here, we didn’t know anybody except my cousin Connie.”

Les, technically you really didn’t know her either. And if you include Ignacio, Louis Scoma, and the golf pro, you still know less than a dozen people in the entire state but if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Thanks to having only sniffed food for weeks, Mel is super skinny and has been offered a modeling gig for some big catalogue. They want her to travel for three weeks and while she’s flattered, she’s not sure she can leave her daughter for that long. So thanks to Maddie, Melissa has been starving herself for nothing. She tells her agent she’ll think about it but I have a hunch she bought a gallon of Blue Bell on her way home.

Back to Leslie’s mansion where she and Tyler are lounging on a terrace overlooking a pool and a lake while they discuss what Tyler will do next. He tells her he’ll be returning to his home in Washington.

Leslie lets us in on some private business, “It’s been almost 3 years since my husband died and his estate has not been settled yet. Tyler and his 2 brothers are going to inherit quite a bit of money and they’ll be set pretty much for life.” So once Leslie was finished alerting every gold digging chick in America that her kid is about to be loaded, she drilled him on his relationship with Whitney.

Leslie: What about Whitney?

Tyler: I don’t know.

Leslie: Have you asked her if she would like to go with you [to Washington]?

Tyler: No.

Leslie: What’ll you guys do if you’re separated?

Tyler: [Blank stare]

Leslie: Are you guys staying together?

Tyler: That’s kind of a big question. I don’t know.

Leslie: You need to start your life, you’re 20 years old.

Um, Les? You suppose he’s returning to Washington because you’re driving him batty with the interrogations and trying to marry him off before he can legally drink or experience life with a ton of money and no commitments? Think about that while we check in on your BFF, Pamela.  

Far away, in an undesirable area of Fort Worth and in a building probably smaller than Leslie’s house, Pam has been summoned to meet with Louis Scoma, the owner of Woodhaven Country Club. He tells Pamela that the club will undergo a five to ten million dollar renovation and he’s offering some ownership opportunities to members who wish to fund some of the cost, “So if that fits within your portfolio, we would like to consider that.”

Portfolio? I think we’ve seen evidence of her portfolio and unless you need a tacky knight, some Greek statues or a black and gold floral sofa, you’re out of luck, Louis.

And Scoma, I’ve never raised capital for a big construction project but I think before you start approaching investors, you’re supposed to have a little drawing of what you envision and a ballpark figure with a less than 5 million dollar degree of uncertainty. But I could be wrong.

Anyway Pamela tells him, “Are you freaking kidding, I don’t have that kind of money, have you seen my living room? I’ll be happy to look at it and see if it makes sense.”

As Pam is leaving the meeting, she sees Hannah, Whitney and Tyler having lunch. She stops by, mentions something about this being the “slacker table” and after learning that Tyler plans to return to Seattle, she gives him a pop quiz.

Pam: What’s the name of that country club in Seattle that Bill Gates belongs to?

Tyler: The Bellvue Athletic Club.

Pam: Where do you live?

Tyler: Bellvue.

Pam: How interesting, what street?

Tyler: Bellvue Way. Are you gonna come find me at my house or something?

Pam: I might come lookin’ for you, ya never know.

Pam, what street do you live on? How much was your house? What? Really, you’re venting on the couch again?

Pam: I’m really tired of being lied to. Just say who you are, tell it like it is, fess up to whatever it is you have goin’ on.

If by “just say who you are” you mean “how much money do you have” then we’re all on the same page. Duarte, when will you be providing us documentation of who you are- you know, financially?

Next we’re in the spare bedroom at Pamela’s house at Pamela’s International Headquarters where she and Hannah display more stalker-like tendencies. After receiving the invite to Leslie’s party, they look up aerial views of the property online.

Pamela tells us that there are professional athletes living in that neighborhood and, “not a lot of pageant coaches.” She goes on to teach Hannah that it’s the inside that counts, “Look at her clothes, look at her bag, look at her shoes.”

Cut to Bonnie and Whitney discussing the Tyler situation. Whit says he hasn’t asked her to move to Seattle with him but, if he does, she’s going. Bon is clearly upset, “I had you for a reason, I wanted a best friend.” Enough, Bonnie. En. Uff.

Scoma must have realized Pamela isn’t rich so he approached Leslie and gave her the club renovation spiel, asking her for a minimum investment of $500,000. I’m sure in hindsight he wished he’d given her a piece of paper and asked her to circle one of the following choices:

1. YES
2. NO
3. MAYBE

Because then he wouldn’t have had to sit through her monologue, “I’ve mostly invested in real estate. I have two homes besides here now. One is in Bellvue, Washington, like, my neighbor is Bill Gates, he lives down the street from me. He’s like the nicest guy. I see him at the gas station. And he and his wife, I see them at the club all the time. It’s kind of a small community of billionaires.”

Then finally she answers the freaking question, “It’s a little different than what I’ve invested in before but I like it a lot and the number is not a problem.”

Back in Plano, Major Monogram Pamela gets a very important Skype call from Perry Connie who is reporting on the status of her investigation into Leslie’s finances, “I need a manicure from all the dirt I just dug up.”

Oh great, tell us everything. Connie delivers the news, “I’m not even sure she’s my cousin.”

OK, Conn, we meant, tell us something we didn’t already know. So she’s not technically your distant cousin by marriage, what else do you have? Connie tells Pam, “I’m going to be talking to some relatives later and I’m going to be getting some more answers.”

Good detective work, Connie.

Over at Leslie’s mansion, guests are impressed. But Melissa corners Bonnie and gives her the shakedown about Leslie’s finances, “I just want to make sure she’s all who she says she is.”

Hmmm, I see, Mel. I totally get why you’d want to make sure Leslie is rich. I mean, never mind that she helped you with the modeling thing and has always been kind to you, proof of wealth is what really counts.

Hey, don’t you live in an apartment furnished by Cantoni? Not that it matters, I just want to make sure I know who you are.

Tyler is having a good time chillin’ at the party, the perfect opportunity for Whitney to drag him away and talk to him like a dog, “Sit.”

Whit: So what’s the deal with us?

Ty: You’re cute.

Whit: What’s gonna happen when you go back to Seattle? Like what’s going to happen with us?

Ty: Well, I think we’ll still be together. I’ll just be…gone.

Whit: So you’re just going up there by yourself? (I’m pretty sure that’s what he said, Whit.)

Ty: I don’t know. I just have some unfinished business I have to take care of.

Whit: And there’s no way for me to go with you? (Congrats, you just took the entire female race down a notch.)  

Ty: Seems like it’s been happening kind of fast.

Whit: Fast? (Yes, he said fast. F.A.S.T. This is getting pathetic, please stop before he calls the police.)

Then, like an adult ready to move across the country for a guy who clearly doesn’t want her there, she stomps off hoping he’ll follow as she’s trained him to do. Want a treat, Ty, want a bone? Come on, boy.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Melissa meets Leslie’s realtor, Kelly, who should be fired immediately. Kelly tells Melissa, as if it’s any of her business, that Leslie is renting the mansion. Melissa knows this is proof that Leslie is a bad person so she grabs Kelly by the arm and leads her to Major Monogram without delay.

Wait, Mel, do you OWN your apartment?

Melissa says to Pam: She needs to tell you something. It’s juicy and good.

Pam: We’re all about juicy.

Kelly the realtor from Hell: We’ve been looking at all these homes but we’re doing a lease.

Pam sees the beauty in all of this and tells us, “I can’t wait to see Bonnie’s face when she finds out her new bestie is a big fat liar. For being so smart, Bonnie sure is stupid sometimes.”

Bonnie is stupid because she didn’t ask for a copy of the mortgage documents before being a friend to Leslie? Pam, you’re friends with Melissa, do you have a copy of her lease closing docs?

Pam and Melissa bolt over to Bonnie to tell her the sad news.

Pam: We’re really worried about you. (She’s not that stupid, Duarte.)

Melissa: She’s leasing this place month-to-month.

Pam: We’re really convinced she’s some kind of an imposter.

Bonnie: I trust her and I really like her a lot.

Leslie approaches and Pamela lets her know she’s the topic of conversation. Leslie acknowledges that she has a lease option on the house and this somehow leads to Pam saying, “How about I say f***-off.”

Pam tells Leslie that she’s leaving and yells back across the crowd from the entry steps, “Don’t swallow your fake eyelashes.”

Pam, that was dumb. If we’d seen Leslie licking her eyeballs or something, then your insult would have been hysterical. It has to be based on something. For example if the party were at your house, I could say to you, “Hey Pam, don’t trip on those cheap statues.” Or maybe tonight I could say, “Leslie, these flowers are gorgeous, did Ignacio do them?” 

Anyway, before Pam is able to reach the door, Leslie calls for the crowd’s attention and makes an announcement that echoes off the rented vaulted ceilings, “I bought into the club, I’m officially a partner and you know what? There’s a new sheriff in town. Cheers.” The guests drink to that.

And so did the rest of America.

Filming for season 2 is scheduled to begin this month. There’s no word yet on the new cast additions but rumor has it that Linda and Candace Flynn are being considered.

Catch up with all our Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

Tired of the old “big hair, big boobs, big cars, big everything” stereotype that plagues Dallas? Guess what? Bravo doesn’t care. Even they have given up on Most Eligible Dallas. Although the time and energy they’ve devoted to the series up to now has been minimal at best, they’ve decided even that is too much. And so the name of the seventh episode of this excruciating series is the trite “Everything’s Bigger ..read more

Episode 9 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins at Leslie’s partially furnished rental where Whitney and Tyler are curled up on the sofa in the middle of the day, surrounded by empty liquor bottles. Leslie, freshly showered and exuding a sense of productivity, urges the couple to get the Hell up.

Next, we’re at Pamela’s house where her husband, Ignacio, has traded in his paintbrush for a pair of clipping shears. He’s listening to 18 year old Hannah whine about not ..read more

Keep up with all the latest Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

Bravo calls this week’s episode of Most Eligible Dallas, “Friendly as Fire Ants.” Nice try. We know the truth. It’s “See You Next Tuesday (Or Thursday if That’s More Convenient).” I obviously spelled it out because I don’t want to get fired, but yeah. Drew drops the “c” bomb. Tara cleans up poop. Matt fights Melinda Gates for the “Biggest Philanthropist” award. Let’s just get this over with.

This is, like, major. ..read more

Keep up with all the latest Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

After a week of respite, Most Eligible Dallas is back, and I’m sorry to report that the gang is up to their same old tricks. Is it too much to ask for Bravo to use some of the editors from the Real Housewives franchise? We need a team who knows how reality television works, because this show is an affront. It’s boring. There’s no real conflict. There’s no sex. There’s no humor. ..read more

Keep up with all the latest Big Rich Texas recaps here.

Episode 8 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with an admirable dedication to consistency with Pamela Martin Duarte still wearing old lady clothes and awkwardly laughing at her own jokes.

This week Duarte finds out that a computer has matched her with Bonnie for a golf tournament. This must be the computer at production headquarters that computes which scenario will generate the biggest catfight.

Pamela gives us the news, “I’ve been ..read more

For part two of this series, go here.

Neon Indian recently added two new members, former Denton musicians (and College Station residents) Ed Priesner and Josh McWhirter, to its touring lineup. These two have been hard to keep up with over the years, as they both performed in shoegaze-heavy noise rock act Fra Pandolf, which yielded the once rather active DIY venue, The Fra House, which is now defunct. After Fra Pandolf, Priesner and McWhirter kept busy with bands such as ..read more

Keep up with all the latest Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

Did you know that 90 percent of the Texas population carries a handgun? According to noted statistician (and lover of pink and crystals—but never both at the same time!) Tara Harper, it’s a scientific fact. Perhaps the plethora of armed and dangerous (and eligible) folks inspired Bravo to call this episode of Most Eligible Dallas “Make Love Not War.” Who can say? All I know is they are once again wrong. This particular chapter of the greatest story ever told should be called “Charity Cases.” Last week, the gang took time away from the gun range and took part in a charity auction. This week, the gang actually participated in some legitimate philanthropy. Tara threw a party for Paws in the City to raise money to save and care for abandoned and abused animals. Nothing funny about animals in need. And Drew is very involved with DIFFA—a charity notable for its efforts to care for those living with HIV/AIDS, as well as AIDS prevention. No laughs there. So maybe check out those organizations—write a check if you so feel moved—and let’s catalog the more laughable almsgiving from the episode, shall we?

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Another game of Guess Who to fill your Big Rich Texas void from Sunday to Sunday.

UPDATE: See added photo from a few years later.  That should help.

Can anyone guess which cast member of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas is sportin’ the cap and gown in this pic?

You guys probably guessed the ending to DaVinci Code too. It is Bonnie. And here’s an old bonus pic of our fave PhD Whitney.

Keep up with all the latest Most Eligible Dallas recaps here.

Bravo bestowed the title “When Pigs Fly” on the third episode of the grand masterpiece that is Most Eligible Dallas. I have taken the liberty to rechristen it “Tired, Old Things” because it’s full of tired, old things. As we chronicle the happenings of the most eligible people in Dallas—surely, all the world—let’s do so by cataloging all the old leftovers we got served.

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