Do you like the 1993 American comedy Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? If so, you must have been in heaven for this week’s episode of The Bachelor wherein our hero, Sean Lowe, takes three different women on dates and uses remarkably similar dialogue for all three. Let’s just get down to business, shall we?
I always like to try new things. Sean prefaces his date with Lindsay by saying how super excited he is to be in South Thailand. When the two meet up, they make out and talk about how much they have missed one another. With this business taken care of, Lindsay and Sean board a samlo (in this case, a canvas sidecar on a motorcycle). As they head to a Thai market, Lindsay says she’s up for anything with the exception of eating bugs.
You can guess what happens. “I wanted to test her a little bit,” Sean says. It seems that Sean likes to push girls into doing things they don’t want to do in order to make them “trust” him. Seems healthy. He presses Lindsay to eat a worm. Tears streaming and on the verge of a gag, she does so. But that’s not enough. He presses her to eat a big bug. Lindsay really doesn’t want to, but she says she sees how brave Sean is, so she does it. Lindsay is no fool. This girl knows what she has to do in order to stay in the game.
After supping on bugs, the couple goes to the beach for some deep discussion. “We can have a fun time no matter what we do,” Sean tells her. “I think that will translate into real life.” They make out and Sean tells her that she’s the best friend he’s been looking for.
Then it’s time to feed the monkeys! (That is not a euphemism. There are monkeys on the island, and the couple feeds them fruit.) Then after a pretty sunset and some heavy petting, the duo sits down to dinner. Lindsay is distracted—although she has told Sean that she’s “falling” in love with him, she would like to amend that answer. She wants to tell him that she’s there—it’s official—she’s “in” love. But just as she’s about to say those magical words, dancers appear as does the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris Harrison.
“No distractions. No interruptions,” Sean says of the fantasy suite opportunity. And before he can explain more, Lindsay is already in the room, naked and ready. Not really but there’s no doubt that this lady is in. Sean is pleased. “Lindsay and I can look back in five years and say this was the night we decided we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together,” he says. He again tells her that he wants to go through life with his best friend (whom he can push around and force to eat bugs). And then he pauses—for a very long time—so that Lindsay can tell him that she loves him. She does. He answers, “I love hearing you say that.” This show makes me so sad.
I think it’s important that AshLee is able to let go of control. Sean prefaces his date with AshLee by saying how super excited he is to be in South Thailand. He’s looking forward to spending more time with AshLee and says that he’s falling in love with this girl. When the two are reunited they make out and express how much they’ve missed one another. Then they board a junk boat for a tour. “I love being here with you,” AshLee murmurs. “Me, too,” Sean replies.
Guys, it’s no secret that I fear for AshLee’s well-being. Sean is maybe not as empathetic. “AshLee is very comfortable with her routine,” he remarks. So guess what? Sean is going to take away any and all routine and instead take AshLee into a very dark cave with very deep water and demand that she trust him for safe passage. She is terrified. She has real and justified fears of abandonment and rejection, and Sean is going to test her on national television. Keep in mind, that if you drank every single time AshLee used the word “love” in this segment alone, you would be very, very drunk. The girl is sold. She’s on board. There’s no real reason for a test here.
Anyway, they live and emerge on an island inhabited by monkeys. (More monkeys!) They make out while Sean plays with AshLee’s bathing suit bottoms. “Every part of my being wants to be engaged to Sean next week,” AshLee says. But a growing couple needs to eat, so the kids sit down to fine dine. “Do you get asked all the time why you’re still single?” Sean asks AshLee. She says yes, but that she’s glad she waited. (She’s been married before, but whatever.) Sean explains that he’s been so focused on his career “and so forth” during his 29 years—much too busy to focus on finding a wife. (He also forgets that he was on a reality show looking for a wife but a season ago.) Sean closes with this weird proclamation, “I love that, you know, the qualities that I possess are good for you.”
But whatever. Two good looking people should maybe not talk and just make out, right? And that’s the cue for Chris Harrison’s invite for the Fantasy Suite. Sean assures AshLee that he wants to stay up all night and talk. No funny business. And although she is worried about what it will look like to God, family, and America, she agrees. OF COURSE, SHE DOES. Poor woman.
But it gets worse. Once they get to the suite, Sean tells AshLee that he sort of knew early on that it was going to work out with her. He notes that they have a pretty “incredible” relationship that is “pretty special.” AshLee is about to lose it. She tells him the style of ring she likes as well as her ring size. She also says that she had a broken spirit before this man “literally healed my heart.” What could go wrong?
I’ve been missing you. A lot. Before the date with Catherine begins, Sean extols the virtues of South Thailand. Now I will say, this date differs a bit from the prior two. First of all, Sean does not test Catherine. He’s also a lot more effusive. From the beginning of the date, he tells her how much he’s been missing her. He tells her how much he likes her weirdness. He thinks that SHE could be his best friend. (Sorry, Lindsay.) And although he’s worried that she could be too much of a free spirit, he is really into the possibility of Catherine as his wife.
Guys, Sean really digs Catherine.
They snorkel while holding hands, like you do. And then it’s time to eat! “This whole week, I’ve been looking forward to spending time with Catherine,” Sean says. He also remarks that he feels like Catherine gets him better than anyone else. Let’s fast forward to the arrival of Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite invite, shall we? Catherine is worried. She says that when she began the show, she thought there was no way that she would ever even consider a sleep over. But now, she’s torn. She wants to be seen as a lady, but she wants that extra time with Sean. Luckily, Sean reassures her with his intentions.
And with that, they immediately head to the fantasy suite and go for a swim. “When I look into Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens,” Catherine says. She knows that she and Sean are meant to be together. They make out under the stars. Yay.
Intermission with Chris Harrison and a preview for Oz the Great and Powerful coming soon to a theater near you.
I woke up knowing who I need to send home. We have too many minutes left in this freaking show, so we know that ABC is going to drag the rose ceremony out for days. We are forced to watch Sean gel his hair. We watch Sean study the girls’ portraits. We observe as Sean watches the three separate video messages prepared by the contestants. And finally, it’s time. With 12 minutes to go, Sean has to give out two roses and crush a vulnerable soul. It takes forever.
But in the end, it’s AshLee who is left rose-less. She is so surprised and so angry that she can’t even speak. And it’s great. This man doesn’t deserve a single word. AshLee is stoic as he tries to escort her out and give her an explanation. Once inside the limo, however, she breaks. And it’s just the worst. “It’s the ultimate reject,” she says.
AshLee, go listen to “Girls (Who Rule the World)” 100 times, get a good therapist, and move on!