We all know that couple that makes us sad. (If you do not know the couple, you are probably making other people sad.) You have that super nice, but kind of boring— and really passive—friend who has chosen to partner with an absolutely unhinged, nightmare of a person. We might wonder how that courtship went down. Well, wonder no more. ABC, via The Bachelor, is going to show us every excruciating moment of how these two crazy kids find one another. We are being subjected to four hours of Bachelor this week, people. Lucky for you, I watch so you don’t have to. Let’s make this short and sweet.
We are down to 11 contestants and Chris Harrison informs them that they are about to embark on a world-wide journey that begins in….Montana. Lindsay, the woman clad in a wedding dress on the first night, is the recipient of the one-on-one date. When informed, Tierra scratches at her face, drawing blood, and says, “I won’t be ignored, Dan” and other choice lines from Fatal Attraction. (She’s unhappy.)
Every time I’m with you, you surprise me. In a good way. Let’s be clear: Sean likes every single girl on this show. He likes kissing every girl and telling every girl how special she is and how crazy he is about her. Lindsay is no exception. The day starts in a chopper and ends with a Sarah Darling concert in the town center. In between, the couple drinks wine, makes out, and talks about Lindsay’s upbringing. It seems that she was a military brat—her father was a general—so she moved around a lot. Sean reasons that this is why she is seeking security and a family on a game show. She gets the rose.
I do like a girl who can wear high heels one day and rough it the next day. It’s no secret that Sean likes the great outdoors. What you might not know is he also loves relay races. Who doesn’t, right? So on the group date, the eight girls are split into two teams—red and blue. Stay with me, guys. The relay race involves canoeing, bucking hay, cross cutting a tree trunk, milking a goat, and drinking the milk. My God. This show is so incredibly boring. If you’re going to make adult woman humiliate themselves on television at least make it interesting for the people who are forced to watch and recap.
Anyway, the red team wins and Sean sends the blue team home. Except he doesn’t! He wants to spend time with everyone. Because remember, this man likes everyone and has a need to make out with as many women as possible.
Meanwhile, Tierra, the show’s villain, sneaks out of her hotel room and somehow figures out where this group date is going down. (My hunch is that she followed the camera crew.) So while Sean is giving a one-on-one interview to a producer, Tierra sneaks up behind him and places her hands over his eyes. Surprise! She asks for a few minutes so that she can tell him how angry she is that she’s been selected for dreaded two-on-one date. “It felt like a huge slap in the face. I hope you follow your heart and make the right decision,” Tierra warns. And then she kicks him in the balls and runs away. And that’s it. He’s smitten.
But he’s not married yet! Our hero is still single and ready to mingle. He has lines aplenty. Actually, he only has three or four: “I have a soul connection with you.” and “I love spending time with you.” and “All I want to do is snuggle with you.”
We better pray that no one in the cast has a cold sore because Montana is about to become the cold sore capital of the world. This guy will make out with anyone. Anyway, a blonde woman named Daniella has a nervous breakdown after seeing Sean make out with some lady. She begins to cry, and Sean comforts her by telling her how much he loves spending time with her(!). And then they make out. Guys, stay with me. Daniella was crying because she JUST saw another woman straddling Sean on a park bench. And then she felt better because he made out with her a few minutes later. Whatever. And good for her. Crazy is rewarded on this show. Daniella gets the rose.
I’m so excited to see my husband. So it’s the two-on-one date. As the formal rules for this game state: “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” Sean takes Tierra and some lady named Jackie on a horse riding date, and Tierra knows that she’s got this thing won from the beginning. Silly Jackie is no match for Tierra, who is already referring to Sean as her husband. Jackie tries to warn Sean but she doesn’t have the proper words to express why Tierra might be a bad match. Instead of saying “Hey, I’m not a doctor, but this lady might be unstable” or whatever, she tells some weird story about how Tierra flirted with some dude at the airport. Who cares? Not Sean. Jackie is not long for this world.
Tierra on the other hand in on her game. She tells Sean a story about how the last guy she dated went to rehab and died. (Someone should probably fact check that.) No red flags here! Sounds great! Sign me up! Roses for Tierra! Get the fireworks going!
I’m not a drama person at all. It’s time for the rose ceremony, and everyone hates Tierra. Robyn decides to confront her. “I will make this a bad girls club,” she says. Honey, everyone knows Bad Girls Club is on Oxygen, and you have sealed your fate. Robyn gets the boot. But not before Sean tries to get some understanding as to why everyone hates Tierra. Not a single lady can articulate why they hate this woman, and Tierra helpfully explains that she has no idea why she’s being attacked. She tells him that she’s such a nice girl, and Sean thinks, “Yeah, sounds right.”
Anyway, Robyn we hardly knew you. But I liked it when you fell on your head during the first episode. Good luck with getting on the Bad Girls Club!