I was very sad to miss Tierra Mist sporting a neck brace on last week’s Bachelor. To be honest, I wish there could be a somewhat serious injury every episode. We need something here—drama, open wounds, new cast members. (Trauma: Life in the ER, anyone?) This show is so super boring this time. Sean seems like a nice kid, but my God. Something needs to happen. I assume the producers are bored, too. This might explain this week’s episode: The Bachelor: Kill Me Deadly.
Deadly Date No. 1: Rock climbing. Selma is a tiny Iraqi real estate developer who likes to wear high heels. One imagines she is less than pleased when Sean shows up wearing a shirt that looks suspiciously similar to an Outback Red number I sported in eighth grade. After limo and plane rides, the couple arrives at their final destination, and Selma is unhappy. “He took the Iraqi to the desert. I do not do well in the heat. At all,” she says.
But Sean has a plan. “I want to take the glamorous girl out of her element. I’m not gonna tell this girl nothin’” Anyway, he makes her climb a large rock in the middle of the desert. The good news: Selma does very well. He rewards her efforts with a trip to an RV park where the two eat dinner, engage in baby talk, and exchange a rose. Unfortunately, that’s all that’s exchanged as Selma—due to her strict upbringing—is not going to kiss a man who is not her boyfriend on national television. So good for her. And good for Sean for not punishing her for it, although how big of a jerk would he look like if he did? Anyway.
Deadly Date No. 2: Roller Derby. I don’t like to brag, but I used to be a really good roller skater. I’m not saying I could have gone pro, but I had some pretty kickass routines to various songs from the Grease and Xanadu soundtracks. Children of the 1980s skated. Children born in the 1980s (or 1990s!) did not. And that’s bad for these young women because they are given a very nasty roller derby “date.” They can’t stand on skates—never mind get close enough to one another for a brawl. And poor Sarah. She has but the one arm, and it really affects her balance. It just seems cruel.
For whatever reason, Amanda has been pretending that she is experienced in the art of roller derby. Unfortunately, the jig is up when she falls and all but breaks her chin. She is carted off to the ER, and someone finally makes the call that this derby date can’t go down. Sean turns the affair into a couples’ skate date, but even that’s kind of a bust because he can’t skate either.
What else? Later, Amanda comes back with her chin intact and Sean is giving her mouth-to mouth, when Tierra Mist loses her mind. Again. “Can I go? I want to leave.” she says to no in particular. She heads not for the exit though—she hunts down Sean so that she can tell him that she is leaving. (For whatever reason, this reminds me of the best movie in the world, The Betty Broderick Story, when Betty tells the jury that she broke into her ex husband’s house to commit suicide but then ended up killing him and his new wife.) Tierra Mist is becoming unhinged. “I deserve so much more than this…I can’t take the fakeness! I am breaking down inside and holding it in!”
Sadly, the drama works. Sean forsakes Amanda in the hot tub and goes to Tierra’s aid. “You know what I know? You like me and you want to spend more time with me,” he says with a smile. They kiss, he tells her that he is crazy about her, and then he gives her the damn rose. Acting like a jerk is rewarded once again.
Deadly Date No. 3: Pretty Woman. Look, I know a lot of people love that movie. And lots of ladies think that whole montage of Julia Roberts shopping for clothes with Richard Gere is just the best thing ever. But let’s remember that the night before, Vivian was trying to watch I Love Lucy and Edward pretty much made her turn it off and do dirty things to his body for money. I’m just not a super fan of that show. Luckily, Leslie H. is a super fan because her one-on-one date is Pretty Woman date. She gets diamond earrings. Sean takes her out shopping for a new dress, shoes, and a purse. She also gets to borrow a diamond choker from Neil Lane.
Here’s the thing, Sean hates Pretty Woman, too. He wants to go rock climbing or roller skating or hot tubbing. You can’t take your shirt off at a formal dinner, guys, and Sean looks miserable in his tux. He’s barely listening while Sarah H. talks about being a poker dealer, her stance on women in combat, and what she thinks about the new George Saunders book. Okay, I don’t actually know what she was saying either. Two hours is a super long time to watch this show, guys. Sean is so bored that he dismisses poor Sarah H. before the private concert. (How pissed was that band?) The rose drops to the ground in slow motion, and we are done.
Deadly Date No. 4: Rose Ceremony. Again, not really death defying. Just a bit soul crushing. Not much to report. Tierra Mist decides to apologize to some of the girls for her behavior. Robyn asked Sean if he likes the taste of chocolate before eating his face. And Amanda the fit model and chin victim is the lone contestant sent home. Seems unfair, just like life.