Our Bachelor recapper Laura Kostelny is on vacation this week and, alas, missed the latest episode of The Bachelor. Filling in is D editorial intern Christina Colevecchia.
Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a Bachelor fan. The mindless drama and cattiness is addicting, and what better way to spend a Monday night then with some of America’s most high-strung women?
The episode begins (where else?) with a sweaty, glistening Sean exercising topless. Sean, ever the romantic, blabs on about who knows what but is very insightful when it comes to his feelings: “I find myself really digging a lot of the women” (yikes).
The 16 remaining women are told that there will be three dates this week: one group date and two one-on-one dates. The friendly females immediately start patting each other on the backs and wishing the best for each other…wait. Come on, this is The Bachelor. Would we really be watching if people were actually…nice? Robyn, the tumbler, hopes Sean will choose her for a date so they can “ditch these bitches” while the rest of the girls shoot daggers at each other from across the room.
Leslie M. wins the lottery and receives the first date and is forced to answer the age-old question, “How long will this love last?” The blondie believes she is going on a trip so, aptly, she dons her best lace dress, packs a carry-on and hops in the limo with Sean. Oh Leslie, how could you be so wrong? The duo arrives at the rather dumpy Guinness World Records on Hollywood Blvd and, not only is Leslie completely overdressed, she is forced to act entertained as Sean shows her exhibits like a “guy eating a bike wheel.” We find out that there’s a reason behind Sean’s madness, however, when he tells Leslie that his father is in the Guinness Book of World Records for driving across 48 states the fastest (that’s a thing?). Sean sneakily tricks Leslie into making out with him for three minutes and sixteen seconds straight so they can break the world record for longest on screen kiss. In what is perhaps the most awkward, disgusting three minutes of television in the history of humanity, the couple completes the task (hurrah!) and Sean whisks Leslie to the top of the Roosevelt Hotel where there is more face eating and finally a rose.
Next up: the train wreck that Bachelor producers call a “group date.” The 12 lucky ladies are brought to a beautiful California beach and begin frolicking, half naked, in the sand and surf with an also half naked Sean. Chris arrives in long pants and a button up (you’re on a beach Chris, come on) and breaks the news to the women that they will be competing in a beach volleyball tournament to win more time with Sean. The Blue team (who creatively draw a large letter ‘S’ on each of their arms – for Sean people, it’s not abstract art) face off against team Big Red in what Sean deems as a game that is not very pretty to watch. The diving bimbos of the Blue team fight for the win, spraying champagne on each other to celebrate. The girls of Big Red are forced into a van, bikini clad and barefoot, to begin the long journey back to the mansion. The remaining girls forcefully vie for Sean’s attention and the never creepy, always intelligent Kacie B. decides to tattle to Sean about the non-existent tension between fit model Amanda and bridal stylist Desiree. Sean calls her out on it and tells her to “Act like Kacie, not this crazy person.” Kacie B. cries and Lindsay gets the rose.
In a moment of extreme insanity, even by The Bachelor’s standards, Tierra takes a tumble down the mansion stairs as AshLee awaits her one-on-one date with Sean. A groggy looking Tierra is deemed to have a concussion and Sean orders an ambulance be called to rescue his princess. Medics (or paid actors) rush in and wrap Tierra’s neck in a brace and strap her to a stretcher. This is where it gets weird: As the medics/actors attempt to take Tierra to the hospital for x-rays, she begins adamantly protesting, telling them she’s fine, she’s just embarrassed! Huh? She never ends up going to the hospital and instead gets to cuddle with a concerned Sean while AshLee sits waiting, all dolled up, inside.
When AshLee finally gets her date with Sean, she is surprised to find out she is sharing her time with two critically ill teen girls whose favourite things are amusement parks and The Bachelor. The foursome spend the day at Six Flags Magic Mountain, which is the only endearing part of the episode. AshLee gets a rose and immediately becomes my favorite contestant.
At the rose ceremony, Sean greets the ladies with some sort of Southern accent he picked up in the last 24 hours, telling them, “Ya’ll all look beautiful.” Sarah is surprised when Sean gets her dog, Leo, shipped in from back home. The handsome pooch emerges from the back of a limo and Sarah is ecstatic. A game of tug-of-war ensues when Tierra, who is pronouncing her embarrassment over her big fall, is interrupted by a feisty Des who steals Sean away. Sean gets wrapped up in a game of musical chairs as the girls forget how to share and he is pin-balled around to each woman for most of the night. Kacie B. fears it may be her time to leave and pleads with Sean to give her another chance. Sean takes Kacie B. aside and tells her he only sees her as a friend and a devastated Kacie B. is forced into a van and sent home (yes the dog got a limo and Kacie B. got a van. Ouch). Taryn and Kristy the model are also sent home packing.