After a week off, Big Rich Texas is back in full force. Last night, the ladies packed their bags and jetted to New Orleans to celebrate Leslie’s bachelorette weekend. The trip lived up to the drama the ladies are known for.
Over at Uptown Consignment, Deaynni prepares us to “get ready for Louisiana, guuuurl.” The ladies are looking forward to their itinerary of dinners, seafood, and drinking on Bourbon Street.
Over at The Verona, Kalyn is skyping her friend Paul from New Jersey. She is sad because she will have to spend her birthday alone, but guess what? Paul will be in town just in time to sweep her off her birthday girl feet.
Leslie joins Kalyn on her bed and Kalyn makes one final attempt to tag along to the girls weekend. Leslie’s response?
“Yeah…. no. This is older gals getting stupid.”
Hey Leslie, it doesn’t take a trip to NOLA to do that.
Bonnie and Jason head over to Whitney and Booger’s apartment to drop off the dog, Ozzie, but they get a surprise thrown their way. As Jason chokes on his beer, Booger asks them for their permission to become their “possible son-in-law.” (Does that mean he has a ring, or is he just looking at his options?)
Their first thought? Whit is preggers. But no, there won’t be a baby tattoo just yet.
“If you f—ing make me a grandmother before I’m 50, I’ll f—ing kill you,” Bonnie says.
Booger promises she will have to wait to chase around grandbabies, but Bonnie throws another hurdle at him.
“You put the ring on her finger, you get the Mercedes payment,” she says, hopeful at the thought.
Jason isn’t happy and tells Booger they need to take their time. Wait, Jason. Weren’t you married at like 19? Pot, meet kettle.
Leslie has migraine so she takes a later flight to the Big Easy, but the ladies don’t seem to notice. They are donned in boas and popping Champagne bottle the second their Louboutins hit the concrete.
First stop? A drive through daiquiri bar. What else is there to do on the way to a hotel?
Over on Bourbon Street, the ladies are snapping pictures with drag queens and stop at Pat O’s for hurricanes on the patio. A frat boy shimmies over to the table and gives Deaynni a lap dance before demanding the ladies turn over their beads.
They happily oblige, but Melissa isn’t too keen on the attention. Cindy has some words of wisdom.
“The more you drink, the cuter they look,” she says.
Bottoms up, ladies.
After they down their drinks, they decide to check out their digs. Leslie has rented them a pretty sweet mansion for their stay. The ladies split up to claim their bedrooms, but Cindy has tunnel vision for the bar, and has a drink mixed before the others make it up the stairs.
Back in the Big D, Kalyn and New Jersey head over to Speed Zone to celebrate her birthday with bumper cars and put-put golf. They seem to enjoy themselves doing something that doesn’t involve crop tops and shoveling manure.
In NOLA, Gayle (who evidently has quite the reputation on the bayou) is doing a passion party for the ladies per D’s request. Deaynni seems right at home calling out commands behind the crack of a whip, but Boonie isn’t amused.
The party leader has names for the ladies that we might need to use here on out. Roll call: “Bend me over now, Bonnie,” “Doesn’t mind doing it all night, D,” Craving passionate sex, Cindy,” Lick it like a lollipop, Leslie,” “Can’t get enough, Connie,” and “Masturbates often, Melissa.”
But even the festive names don’t get Bonnie in the mood. She looks like she’s about to hurl her Champagne glass at the ring leaders’ head, and storms out of the room when D gets a little too close with a vibrating gadget. The ladies carry on and play with the toys like they are back in the sandbox, and a few eyes light up at the mention of a “triple ticket dolphin.”
Deaynni isn’t impressed with Bonnie’s tantrum out of the room.
“Who dresses like a pin up and acts like a preachers wife?” she questions.
After she pulls herself together, Bonnie and Melissa head on a Haunted History tour to do research for Bonnie’s next novel. The tour takes place in broad daylight, so it’s sure to be a scary one.
That night, the ladies go to an “exclusive restaurant” to celebrate Leslie’s engagement, sans Leslie. On the menu? Turtle soup and alligator sausage. Welcome to Louisiana, y’all.
Bonnie and Deaynni get in a fight over the dirty plastic toys, and Bonnie owns up to being “too conservative at times.” You know, because all those conservatives prance around in cat ears and a bustier. The next morning, Leslie finally shows up, but Bonnie feels like something is off between them.
Back in Dallas, Nikki and Whit are at the pool. In true mean girl fashion, they make some snide comments about Kalyn’s swimsuit body (not cool) when Kalyn sits with Paul a few chairs away. Whitney then makes a complete fool of herself (shocker, I know).
She heads over to warn Paul about Kalyn’s shenanigans with Tyler and getting fired from her job. But she doesn’t stop with her gentle concern. She then sets her sights on Kalyn.
“I also heard that Leslie tried to baptize the whore out of you,” she says.
When Kalyn gets offended (rightly so), Whitney tells her not to “go get all butt hurt.”
Now, I’m not trying to say Kalyn is little miss innocent, but seriously Whitney, grow up and get a life. Or if you can’t manage that, maybe just get your mouth pierced shut.
Paul sides with Kalyn and tells Whitney she’s immature and recommends she get lost.
Back in The Big Easy, Leslie has planned a surprise gator hunt for the ladies, but this wasn’t on Cindy’s to-do list.
“I was thinking Bourbon Street and drinks, not fishing for my next handbag,” she moans.
The ladies spot a few gators from the boat, but don’t really seem one with their surroundings.
On day four of the bachelorette (how long is this thing?), Leslie recommends a serene trip to the Botanical Gardens. While the other ladies head for the shrubs, Bonnie, Melissa, and Cindy make a dash for Bourbon Street. Their first stop? A psychic reading.
The card reader reveals that Melissa won’t ever have to worry about money again, and Cindy won’t be single for long. (Maybe Tyler comes around?)
Bonnie asks about whether or not Leslie is trustworthy, and the response is not in Leslie’s favor.
“Believe nothing you hear, and half you see,” the reader says. “With those kind of friends, you don’t need any enemies.”
Finally, it’s nighttime, and a full moon at that. In Cindy’s words, “It’s finally time to get this bachelorette party started,” and what better way to do so than throwing beads off a balcony.
A shirtless birthday boy shows up, and Connie does a little spin move into his arms for a make out session. Cindy wants in on the action and sucks his face as well. Last up? Melissa goes in for the gold. One guy, three ladies? Keep it classy, Texas.
From the couch, Alex says what we’re all thinking.
“You’re a good example of a bad example,” she tells her mom.
The festivities move along, and the ladies are looking rough. I guess hurricanes and smooches can do that. They start getting huffy about the engagement party shenanigans that were soooo last week.
Bonnie gets mad that Leslie filled out an incident report and throws a little tantrum that mirrors Whitney’s lovely attitude before Leslie does what she does best- gets up and leaves.
Next Sunday, Booger proposes to Whit, and Leslie hires a bodyguard to protect herself from Jason.
Photo via the Style Network