In a galaxy far, far away, deep in a black hole, there exists a version of Joyful Noise that views like the absurdist comedy it should be, not the pandering, “Aw, shucks” monstrosity that will take over theaters Friday.

In that version (shot ideally by John Waters), a scene where Dolly Parton dances with the ghost of Kris Kristofferson will not draw groans from the audience, but rather applause for its tongue-in-cheek take on mortality. This same version will draw rave reviews for its impossibly diverse Southern Baptist congregation, and cheers from critics for a scene where a large black woman attempts to wake her Asian lover with a strip of bacon, only to find he’s died overnight.

But this is not a black hole, this is America, and Joyful Noise is not an absurdist comedy, it’s a “Let’s throw everything in a pot and see what comes out” comedy. It’s a failure in nearly every respect, and it treats the viewer like an idiot.

The story focuses on a small evangelical church in Georgia, following the death of choir director Bernie (Kristofferson, in a role that could’ve very well been played by a robot). Vi Rose (Queen Latifah) is promoted to take over for Bernie, to the objection of Bernie’s widow G.G. (Parton), and the usual audience-baiting begins. Vi Rose says something sassy and vaguely ethnic — “There’s always free cheese in the mouse trap, but trust me, the mice ain’t happy.” — and G.G. always responds with an equally sassy Southern truism —“I’d call you stubborn, but that would be an insult to mules.”

Soon, G.G.’s bad boy grandson Randy (Jeremy Jordan) develops an interest for Vi Rose’s daughter Olivia (Keke Palmer), and now we have two plotlines. Two equally terrible plotlines.

Oh, and there’s music! They all sing together in the world’s most racially diverse church choir, but they don’t really kick it up a notch until Randy brings his New York joie de vivre to the crew and introduces them to contemporary music. A modern-day Footloose, if that wasn’t terribly remade only a few months ago.

The choir soon finds itself at church choir nationals, which I imagine is a real thing but only a viable commercial film plot since Glee made “regionals” a buzz word. And, yes, I did find myself tapping my foot during some of the musical numbers. And I’m sure the Joyful Noise soundtrack will do just fine, with gospel versions of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” and Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.”

But even some of the film’s musical numbers can’t overturn 120 minutes of plastic surgery jokes, poorly-acted “autistic” teens, and Great Recession subplots. And, as a geography nerd, I can’t forgive the fact that thisGeorgiachoir is in the same regional competition as a church from Detroit, but doesn’t meet the choir from Florida until the national finals.

In a movie full of final straws, that really was the last one for me.