Did you know that the best way to distract a possible alcoholic from drinking is with horseback riding? Had you any idea that you need a colonic to participate in certain auctions? Were you confused as to whether all people—gay, straight, breathing—hate speed dating? We learned all that and more on this exciting episode—”Horseplay,” if you must know—of The A List Dallas.
I have a little something that I need to talk about. After making millions of dollars from her cutting-edge editorial, Ashely is ready to spend. The problem: she does not want to take a minute away from her side career—arranging awkward interventions for her “friend” James. The solution: combine saving (souls) with spending (money) while cowboy boot shopping with Levi. They check out the wares. Ashely professes her love for some pink boots. Finally, the camera man barks, “Let’s get the show on the road!” But before Ashley can once again talk about what a horrible drunk her best buddy James is, she also wants to go on record about her disapproval of the way Levi treated Taylor. “It’s not okay. That’s not okay,” she opines. “Like, that’s not okay.”
Levi counters that Taylor actually cheated on him many moons ago, so this is his comeuppance. “Okay, I will agree to disagree,” Ashley says, clearly growing bored with this topic. “Don’t ever lie to me again.” And then she turns the conversation back to her favorite topic—poor, drunk James. She wants Levi—a man who publicly shamed James and called him “crazy” for having the audacity to claim that the two dated in the past—to help influence James in a positive way by taking him horseback riding. Spoiler alert: that’s not a euphemism.
I refuse to live on a Democrat plantation. Meanwhile, over at Stephan Pyles, Taylor is filming a PSA with folks such as David and Clark for the Log Cabin Republicans. Choice lines include: “I’ve learned not to talk politics…especially after a few drinks.” ”A client is like money, and I like money.” “I’m a Republican because I want to keep more of my money and buy more shoes.” I know, right? I’ll hold while you sign up for some LCR action. See you in 10.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t stop him from drinking. Project Intervention is under way in a dead pasture. Ashley, fearing that the horses and the diabolical Levi will not be enough to distract James from booze, brings in Brayden. Incidentally, Brayden may be the only person in Dallas who wears more Coty pink lipstick than Ashley does. Anyway, Brayden is having some trouble with the mount. Ahem. He finally gets on the horse—behind Levi, by the way, who sort of brilliantly observes, “I felt like I was riding with Carol Channing.”
After riding for a spell, James says that he would like a beer. Ashely is crestfallen that, once again, the great outdoors has not been kind to her intervention efforts.
I have something big I need to talk to you about. Having failed at her pet project, Ashley sets her sights on becoming a philanthropist. But she can’t do it alone. Therefore, she calls Phillip, Levi, and James for drinks (!) and nachos to discuss her plans. “You know how I work for this charity called Compassion 54?” she begins. “We’re going to have an auction. And we’re going to auction off my pretty boys.”
“Didn’t they already do this on Most Eligible Dallas?” no one asks. But someone should have.
Phillip is in. He doesn’t have to check his calendar. Not a problem. Can do. Levi muses that he could offer a horseback riding date. James says that he could use his “connections” to set up a cool date and “drink a lot.”
“Just when I think that I’m getting through to James, he starts talking about drinking again,” Ashley sighs. And then the dead horse sat up and said, “Heavens, good woman! Will you stop beating me already?”
Ashley needs more than promises of bad dates. She needs the boys to tan and work out. “You’re just a little layered,” she tells James. “You’re not fat. You’re just hydrated.” Jeesh. I would drink, too.
With that business disposed of, she thanks God for the nachos they’re about to eat.
It could be good exposure for Inchwear. Levi has spent the majority of the episode musing that it might be time for him to get back into the rodeo business. So he meets with Wade, a WGRA official, to discuss his options. See, Levi broke his back a few years ago, and he hasn’t been able to compete since undergoing surgery. Wade mentions a little something called “goat dressin’,” wherein participants put underwear on a goat. Perhaps you’ve seen it in the Olympics?
That’s like Lindsay Lohan showing up for community service. Phillip is bored and wants to talk about people, but no one takes his calls anymore. So he asks production to set up an outing with Levi so that he can pretend to ask Levi for relationship advice. The two meet and Phillip mentions that he’s tired of being single. “Am I coming off too strong?” he asks. “I kind of want something a little more long-term.”
Levi says words, but Phillip isn’t listening. He’s waiting for Levi’s mouth to stop moving so that he can bring up Chase. “He’s really, really into you,” he says of Chase. “I don’t want you to break his little heart.” And then pay dirt! Levi remarks that the relationship—if one could actually call it that; Levi wouldn’t—is growing “stale.”
Phillip is the guy who fancies himself easy to talk to. He thinks that’s how he gets scoop. That it’s why people tell him things. It’s not. They use him for his mouth. “If you want to spread a message, tell Phillip,” Levi says.
This is about the kids and making a difference in their lives. Private and humble philanthropist Ashley is meeting with her colleagues in order to plan the soiree of a lifetime. Ashley wants to hear ideas for event slogans, and she’s not happy with what she’s hearing. Someone dares to utter the word “hopeless” in a possible slogan, and she’s not having any of it! With that matter unresolved, she moves on to the next order of business. She has two venue options, which she either absolutely does not or they asked not to be named on television, because we hear nothing more on the subject. Moving on, she says that she has some “pretty boys we can auction off.”
Not so fast. Out of nowhere, (her nemesis?) Patrick suggests this new thing—maybe you’ve heard of it?—called “speed dating.” Ashley is intrigued. The money possibilities for a fundraiser seem limited. People generally hate speed dating. And it’s just an awful idea. Sold! “Now they don’t have to get colonics and tan and not eat,” she says of her friends. Charity does indeed start at home.
We’re not exclusive, and we don’t pretend to be. No reality show filmed in Dallas would be complete without Prestonwood Polo & Country Club—home to plastic chairs and polo matches. Levi and Chase are watching the show when Phillip shows up with his best friend John, a man who favors suspenders. Phillip checks out the action for 2.5 seconds, notes that the proceedings are “kind of like croquet,” and he’s ready to make his own kind of action. He asks Chase to join him to get some Champagne.
And so it begins: “You and Levi, how’s the sex?” he fires. “Are you, like, officially dating?” he asks. “Levi thinks that you like him more than he likes you,” he accuses. And when Chase doesn’t gnash his teeth, burst into tears, or punch him in the face, but instead answers sensibly that he’s just having a good time in a non-exclusive relationship, Phillip goes from interrogator to condescending poop. “Good, because I was just kind of like concerned about you,” he says in a not very kind of like concerned way.
We aren’t the only ones who see through Phil. Chase notes, “How offensive is it for [Phillip] to come up and say, ‘I think the guy that you’re dating likes you less than you like him.’” Really offensive.
Later, after stomping some divots, Chase talks to Levi. ” You can do whatever you want to do, and I can do whatever I want to do,” he clarifies. “It’s not a big deal until it becomes a big deal.” Levi replies, “We’re on the same boat. My boat doesn’t have a boyfriend on it.”
Don’t think about it. It doesn’t make any sense.
Me and you have not had the best times in the past. It is finally the big night of the Speed Dating Extravaganza, and I’m sorry to report that it’s a bust. No one is there. Ashley is exhausted—she feels like she’s the only person doing all the work. Luckily, Chase, James, and Taylor show up. But guess who doesn’t? Levi. “Levi is not coming,” Ashely huffs. “Since [Chase and Levi] are dating and all, I’d think that Chase should have some control over his man. Hello!”
While Ashely is fuming, Chase mentions that he has invited some folks and excuses himself to talk to real friends. Finally, the speed dating begins. Chase makes out with a cute guy. James says that he would rather kill himself than sleep with Phillip. Taylor and Chase discuss Austin (Again! It will never, ever, ever die!) and Levi. At the end of the miserable affair, surely tens of dollars have been raised for the charity, Taylor gets some hairdo advice from Chase, and it’s very likely that exactly zer0 love connections happened.
If you and I are going to get involved in this, I’d like to see you living full-time in Florida. Levi is meeting with Kevin, a potential investor who favors unbuttoned shirts and charms. They talk shop—how comfortable the Inchwear undies are, how one time the factory accidentally used swimsuit fabric for undies, how someone needs to wear the “hat as the go-to guy.” Before Kevin ponies up any cash, he thinks Levi needs to live a little closer to the factory, which happens to be in Florida. I have a feeling, based on his look, Kevin is particularly fond of Florida.
I just can’t wait to see you back in the saddle. All this talk of Florida makes Levi hungry for cheese. I kid! I love Florida! But he is hungry, so he invites Chase over for a little pasta. While the two cook, he asks about the speed dating affair. Chase cops to kissing someone. Levi doesn’t care.
Moving on, Levi tells Chase about the business meeting with Chesty Kevin and Florida. “I’m not giving up the rodeo for that,” Levi says. Relieved that Levi will not be moving—my God, can you imagine what that humidity would do to Chase’s hair?—Chase says, “There’s your answer, baby.”
Let’s take a look and get you some answers. Levi goes to the doctor. Let’s make a long story short (too late!): it looks like Levi’s rodeo days are over.
Or are they? Tune in next week. Or don’t. I’m happy to do it for you. Until then.