I’m filling in for our friend Merritt Patterson on the very important task of chronicling the misadventures of the super-elite, very highbrow, petite sophisticates that are the A-List Dallas. Episode six, entitled “Get Out From Under My Boot,” is all about how the gang uses their powers for good as they stamp out child poverty—getting the children out from under the metaphorical boot of the one percent, as it were.
Actually, it’s not. Episode Six is about Levi. Everyone—even Levi—wants to kiss, date, or discuss Levi. And sometimes, it’s all three at once. So let’s embark on the tale of Levi, shall we?
Levi comes to Taylor’s apartment with flowers. It’s date night—a little Chard, some freshly popped popcorn, and a black-and-white movie—and Levi’s in the mood for romance. “I wish I could just fast forward to the sex part,” Levi says. But Taylor is playing hard to get. He doesn’t want to be seen as merely a totally average-looking piece of meat! He has a brain, for heaven’s sake. Unfortunately, Taylor’s material is generic and incredibly dated—it’s like he cribbed his lines from Alex P. Keaton of Family Ties—and Levi zones out. “The things he says just don’t interest me,” he explains. Join the club. And poor Taylor, who has seen this happen so many times before, does what he always swears he won’t do: he shuts up and puts out. “Bipartisan action” ensues.
But wait! Later in the hour, Levi shows up at Chase’s house. And what’s this? They kiss on the lips! “To my knowledge, no one really knows that Levi and I are dating,” Chase says. (I know much has been made of Chase’s hair, but it really is incredible. He can go from super-cute prep to Purple Rain Prince, depending on the scene. Also, is it weird that I wish I could fit into the Harijuku Mini Collection for Target? The ad kept running during this dreadful program.) Chase is packing for a busy businessman business trip to Los Angeles, and Levi is there to persuade him to come to Austin for a super-fun party upon his return. Chase is worried that Taylor might not be excited about watching his boyfriend make out with another dude. “Taylor is on the crazy train,” he points out. But who can resist Levi? Of course he’ll be there. And then the couple makes out like crazy.
Now it’s time for Ashley to take a turn on Levi. After being turned away from the bus depot, the two opt to stroll around the Old Red Museum. Ashley has something to confess—it seems she has been stalking Levi. Not in a scary way. Just a normal way wherein one lurks in alleys. Anyway, she may have seen something she shouldn’t have seen, and she wants to confide in Levi. She wants to understand Levi. Most of all, she wants Levi to understand Ashley. “I thought maybe I saw you and Chase in the back alley,” she says. What does Levi do? Well, he does what any red-blooded American male would do: he blames it on costumes. He tells her she needs new glasses. He says it might be a case of mistaken identity. “Maybe you saw Chase, but I wasn’t behind the building with Chase…That was another handsome devil.” And then he thanks her for telling him, and she is dismissed.
Remember when that super-fun party happened in Austin a few months ago? Remember how the whole state could not stop talking about the incredible shindig that went down on that one night and how sad everyone was that they couldn’t score an invite? Well, lucky us, Levi scored an invite to James’ party, so we can finally see what went down at this super-exclusive—like, 13-guest-exclusive—soiree. While Levi is talking to two shirtless gentlemen, Ashley is stuck talking to Taylor, who is discussing the Cold War, a thousand points of light, and trickle-down economic policies. Finally, she can take no more. “It’s 2012, sir!” she interrupts. “What’s going on with you and Levi’s relationship?” she asks. Taylor doesn’t like where this conversation is going. “I date one person,” he says. He talks some more. He doesn’t want to get hurt. His heart is numb. “He’s walking all over your face right now,” Ashely counters.
No one walks all over Taylor’s perfectly average face. Not even Levi.
So Taylor saunters over to have it out with Levi. “I don’t want to date,” Levi slurs. “I think we make better friends,” Taylor agrees. (In Taylor’s defense, we’ve all done this. We get dumped and we’re like, “Yeah, yeah. Me, too! For sure! Oh! And that engagement announcement in the paper, forget that. That was just a joke. Yeah, for sure. We are better off as friends. Friends. For sure. Friends.”) But Levi is not known for his mercy. He tells Taylor that they’re actually better off as “f*ck buddies.” Incensed, Taylor says, “You’re not educated…You’re nobody.” And he makes fun of Levi’s dumb company. Levi counters by making fun of Taylor for being a Republican.
Stylist to the stars Phillip is not pleased. Not only is he a great friend of perfectly average Taylor, he’s also mad that the spotlight isn’t on him at the super-fun party. So he interrupts Levi and Chase’s conversation—presumably about Chase’s hair—and wants everyone to know that he’s had enough. He calls Chase a whore. “At least I’m getting some. You haven’t had a boyfriend in quite some time.” And while Phillip sputters some lame retort, Levi and Chase begin to make out in front of him. Burn.
The next morning, Chase and Levi are drinking drinks. (The only thing people do more on this program than kiss, talk about, or talk to Levi is drink drinks.) Levi wants Chase to know that he didn’t do anything wrong by engaging in lurid acts in back alleys with someone who may or may not have been in a committed relationship. Chase, unfamiliar with the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” wants to know where things stand with him and Levi. “Date is a four-letter word,” Levi says after counting the letters out. “You’re a very frustrating person,” Chase says. “I’ve been told that before,” Levi replies.
Will Levi treat Chase as horribly as he treated Taylor? Probably. Will their friendship be irrevocably ruined after it happens? Maybe. Will Chase rock a new look with that hair next week? I hope so. We’ll have to tune in to find out.
Oh! Before I forget, some other stuff happened, too. James drinks drinks with his mom; Ashley prays; Ashley wears a skirt swiped from the Girls Just Want To Have Fun video; someone doesn’t like the word “chlamydia”; Taylor calls Chase a “heartless, liberal b*tch”—behind his back; Phillip and James engage in the lamest fight of all time; and Ashley stages a solo, half-hearted intervention for James in the middle of the street.
See you next week!
Photo via the A-List Dallas facebook page