Tired of the old “big hair, big boobs, big cars, big everything” stereotype that plagues Dallas? Guess what? Bravo doesn’t care. Even they have given up on Most Eligible Dallas. Although the time and energy they’ve devoted to the series up to now has been minimal at best, they’ve decided even that is too much. And so the name of the seventh episode of this excruciating series is the trite “Everything’s Bigger in Texas.” But just because Bravo has given up doesn’t mean we have to. Let’s call this one, “Perception Is Reality,” because that phrase gets thrown out quite a bit during the course of the hour. Also, we perceive that this series stinks, and that’s also reality!
I’m soaking up every minute with this South African. Courtney is lounging in her big-girl room, admiring the letters on the wall that helpfully spell out her name when her princess phone rings. It’s the night after the debacle at the Granada you see—when she and Matt exchanged such ugly, ugly words. (“I’m leaving!” “Obviously!” “Yeah!”) And although there are some things you just can’t take back, Matt wants to repair the relationship. Courtney assures him it’s water under the bridge. “Babe, if I was mad about something, y’all would have known. I’m just genuinely exhausted,” she says.
Knowing that Courtney was likely trading all night in the Tokyo market, Matt understands. He’s a businessman, too, after all.
Speaking of international matters, Courtney tells Matt that she’s going to spend a lot of time with her South African friend Mark. “Good, good,” Matt says. That Matt is one cool customer. And although he doesn’t appear to be jealous, Court is okay biding her time. She says for now, she’s Neill’s understudy, and Matt is Mark’s understudy. Unfortunately, this implies that Mark and Neill are the true stars here—that Matt and Court are the B-team, but I think Court means it as foreshadowing. Spoiler alert: the two lovebirds who hail from Planet Tan are probably going to end up together.
See you, baby. Rebecca’s time in our fair city has come to an end. In preparation for her big return to San Francisco, she is wearing something from the Vivian Ward collection. (The one before Richard Gere enters the picture.) She’s also rocking a huge bruise on her arm. Anyway, she’s packing all of her tiny clothes into a suitcase (although a fanny pack would have sufficed), and she’s sad. Glenn’s sad, too. So sad that he’s decided to rob a train, which is why he’s wearing a bandanna around his neck.
Later, at DFW, Glenn drops Rebecca curbside and proceeds to eat her face. “I love you,” she says. “I love you, too, sweetheart,” he answers. “See you, baby.” He leaves her, and then she takes a shuttle to the proper terminal. Poor Glenn. Letters and numbers are hard.
I literally have goosebumps from how grossed out I am. Remember Tara’s gross ex who likes to finger his own nipples? He’s back! John wants to talk to Tara about her terrible taste in men. (John could be Exhibit A here.) So he takes her to an indoor rock climbing venue. Could there be a better setting for an intervention?
Before they can get down to business, they have to rent some shoes. John proceeds to inhale deeply and smell a rented shoe because he is hilarious. Seriously, at this point, Tara should say, “You know what? Point taken. Let’s not do this. I have horrible taste in men. I’ll go to Hazelden or Promises or Betty Ford or wherever you go for that malady.” Instead she says, “Thank God I brought socks.”
John is one of the only exes she is friends with. Which, sure. Why not? The guy is clearly hilarious. He looks like a million bucks in his jorts and bike chain necklace. He sports an incredibly cool arm tattoo. So yeah, when this guy wants to talk about what a loser Jody Dean is, he’s got her attention. You see, when a guy like John sits down Indian style and looks you in the eye and tells you that there’s no way the relationship is going to work—that your family will never be okay with it—well, you just have to listen. Tara has a lot to think about, as do we.
Two handsome men in one day. I must be living right. Matt and his father George are having a very serious conversation about the European economy, Marcel Proust, and the plot of last night’s The Mentalist. That is until Courtney bursts in wearing something borrowed and offering something new: coffee!
Court has a new plan. She’s going to make Matt jealous by sleeping with his dad. Oldest trick in the book. “How are yeeeeeeuuuuwww?” she purrs to poor Georgie.
He runs away.
He’s not the only one running. It seems Mark has decided to flee back to South Africa for six weeks, and Court is sad. “I just started to like him!” she whines. “He’s five years younger than you are,” Matt counters.
After correcting him (only four years, the nerve!), Court employs her baby voice again, but this time to apparently make fun of Maje. Which, that’s not very nice. She tells Matt that he needs to cut the strings with Neill because everyone thinks they are dating, and since they are in high school, it matters what everyone thinks. “Perception is reality,” she says solemnly. Matt is so impressed by her insight that she doesn’t have the heart to tell them she saw it on a bumper sticker on the back of a Corrolla on the way over.
Moving on, they talk about Matt’s upcoming foray into the world of philanthropy. “How are you getting off work [for the event]?”Matt asks Courtney. She explains that the Tokyo markets are closed during the weekend and that she also got someone to cover her shift at the mall. Overjoyed, he asks Courtney to be his date. “You’re the most important woman in my life,” he says.
It’s been a good run. We’re back in Courtney’s sophisticated pied-a-terre where she is fumigating her hair with an aerosol can in preparation for her big farewell scene with Mark. She’s armed herself with a large yellow necklace that can be used as a weapon, just in case things get ugly.
Mark enters with a bottle of South African wine, which makes Courtney happy. She can hoard her Chard! After taking a long, long, long sip, Courtney does what she does second best (after drinking): talking. “You put your finger on it, and there’s something that I dig,” she says. (She’s clothed, by the way.) She’s thinking that maybe when Mark gets back they’ll give it another try. She’s wondering if maybe, despite the seven-hour time difference, they can stay in touch. The magic they experienced on the trolley—the fun they had with the Supreme Court justices—you just don’t find that every day.
But Mark has other ideas. “Well, you have Matt, so we have no problem,” he says. “Matt and I have never even kissed,” Courtney argues. “Matt is the least of your worries.” But Mark basically dumps her—if you can dump someone after a date that was essentially a ride on public transportation.
How does fate reward him? With a ticket on the bitchin’ Mustang, that’s how! Somewhere in the distance, he hears Courtney’s crazy laugh. He shivers, gets in his car, and drives to South Africa.
Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into this one. Jody Dean is wearing a suit, and it’s not the Temple Grandin one from a previous episode! The occasion? He has invited Tara over for lobster salad. (That is not a euphemism.) As Tara sips her signature drink—Chard on the rocks—Jody tells her, “You are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” And that’s nice, right?
Later he takes Tara to his rooftop deck—Glenn isn’t the only one with a wingman—and marvels at his good fortune. He doesn’t see himself in Tara’s league. He’s right. But then he starts asking Tara some hard questions. “Why didn’t you go all the way down the aisle?” he asks. It seems we don’t know all there is to know about Tara. In addition to being very bronzed, very into Coty pink lipstick, and very devoted to dogs, Tara is also very Catholic. She later notes that although she’s been engaged four times, this is the first time she’s being cautious.
Once the talking is dispensed with, the two kiss. “I love you,” Jody tells her. “I love you, too, baby,” Tara replies.
I think Tara might be confused about what “cautious” means.
Obviously neither of us is looking for a relationship. Matt has a problem: women fall in love with him. He can’t help it. He’s tan. He’s a former football player. He’s a busy business man. He rocks child-size-small t-shirts. But that power has consequences, and tonight, he has to break the heart of poor little Neill. He is going to shut her down. He is going to destroy her. He hates to do it, but he has to.
He takes her to the MAC because Matt is worldly and, in addition to loving charity, he also loves art. “Beam me up, Scotty,” the art historian says when he notices a certain piece. “What’s going on here?” Matt is also very funny. But moving on, it’s time to do the deed. He doesn’t want to crush Neill. But he has to. So he brings up Courtney. He quotes her incredible line about perception being reality. He tells her that he will always be there for her.
Then the best thing in the world happens: Neill practically laughs in his face. She doesn’t care. Later, in her interview, she says, “Honestly, it’s a relief. If he wants Courtney, he can have Courtney. If she wants him, like, she can have him…I like going solo.”
What’s up, headband? Poor, sad, pathetic, self-destructive Drew is sporting a weird headband for penance, presumably. He’s done something bad, and he needs Number One Gay Daylon’s help. It seems that on Sunday night, Cody called and asked him to hang out. So they head over to “S4,” and then another dude that Drew has been texting with shows up and they kiss. Right in front of Cody!
Number One Gay Daylon is nonplussed. “You kissed him, or he kissed you?” he asks.
“I think it was more mutual,” Drew answers.
Drew hasn’t bothered to call and apologize to Cody, preferring to let the headband (very much like a hair shirt) do the talking. Daylon thinks that’s a mistake and advises that Drew make the call sooner rather than later.
“Why did you do that?” Daylon asks again of Drew’s dumb, dumb actions.
“I don’t know. I always screw up,” Drew says. “Go big or go home.”
Eventually, Drew returns to the Ritz and lights up a smoke before dialing Cody. When Cody asks what he’s sorry for, he apologizes for accidentally making out with a boy. To Cody’s credit, he’s not having any of it. Cody points out that Drew is sober. He notes that Drew always plays the victim. “Drew is so vulnerable,” he mocks. “Poor Drew.” And he’s right. Drew does always play the victim, and that’s not okay. Also not okay? I’m 99 percent sure that Drew says, “I’m gratefully sorry that I did this.” He also says that he feels like his soul has been put through a meat grinder, shoved back in his body, and ripped out again. So that stinks.
I feel like I need to get a load off. Matt is nervous. I know what you’re thinking: no way. Not smooth, debonair, man about town Matt. But it’s true! He’s nervous about becoming the next George Soros. The best way to relieve stress? Pool party! (The Gettys do it all the time.) He invites all of his friends to board a party bus (the trolley was booked) and head for the suburbs. People are drinking hard. Girls are saying things like, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” It’s all very tasteful.
Once at the pool, the shirts come off. A man who presumably works as or is named Butler is rocking a very large back tattoo that reads “Butler.” Girls are stumbling around in bikinis and stillettos. Courtney and Tara are not impressed. “There’s not a single guy without a tribal tattoo in here,” Tara complains. “Literally, this is grossing me out.”
Courtney concurs. “You can either wear high heels or bikinis. You can’t wear both,” she opines. To her credit, she practices what she preaches and chooses to swim in her cover-up. Matt is waiting for her in the pool, and it’s the perfect time and place to tell her about how he used her brilliant quote to break up with Neill. Court tells him her own sad story of woe about the South African who fled. “So, I got six weeks to make you fall in love with me?” Matt asks.
In the meantime, Glenn is talking to a visiting Rhodes Scholar about her cool sunglasses.
If you can’t tone it, tan it. Courtney’s mom Royanne does not make me happy. That is all.
To whom much is given, much is expected. It’s finally time for Matt’s big event. Football players are in attendance. Michael Jackson’s guitar is ready for auction. The band is playing. Jody and Tara are working the red carpet. Glenn is bragging about his hilarious jacket-free look. In fact, the only person missing is Courtney. She’s getting ready, filling her soul with Chard, putting on her face, wishing away thoughts of the workday and ugly sunglasses.
But finally she arrives and everything is great! Matt gives a speech! Matt is a hit! Matt wins the Nobel Peace Price! And he’s just so happy, guys. He wants to keep on giving. It feels so good to give. He turns to Courtney. “We just bought property out by Possum Kingdom by the lake,” he says. “I thought we could get away…Are you down?
Courtney is so down. She’s excited. She’s ready to hang out and chill out, and “like, veg.”
Please, God. Let next week be the last one of these things.