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Tired of the old "big hair, big boobs, big cars, big everything" stereotype that plagues Dallas? Guess what? Bravo doesn't care.

Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Seven Recap

Most Eligible Dallas Everything's Bigger in Texas Season1 Episode7

Tired of the old “big hair, big boobs, big cars, big everything” stereotype that plagues Dallas? Guess what? Bravo doesn’t care. Even they have given up on Most Eligible Dallas. Although the time and energy they’ve devoted to the series up to now has been minimal at best, they’ve decided even that is too much. And so the name of the seventh episode of this excruciating series is the trite “Everything’s Bigger in Texas.” But just because Bravo has given up doesn’t mean we have to. Let’s call this one, “Perception Is Reality,” because that phrase gets thrown out quite a bit during the course of the hour. Also, we perceive that this series stinks, and that’s also reality!

I’m soaking up every minute with this South African. Courtney is lounging in her big-girl room, admiring the letters on the wall that helpfully spell out her name when her princess phone rings. It’s the night after the debacle at the Granada you see—when she and Matt exchanged such ugly, ugly words. (“I’m leaving!” “Obviously!” “Yeah!”) And although there are some things you just can’t take back, Matt wants to repair the relationship. Courtney assures him it’s water under the bridge. “Babe, if I was mad about something, y’all would have known. I’m just genuinely exhausted,” she says.

Knowing that Courtney was likely trading all night in the Tokyo market, Matt understands. He’s a businessman, too, after all.

Speaking of international matters, Courtney tells Matt that she’s going to spend a lot of time with her South African friend Mark. “Good, good,” Matt says. That Matt is one cool customer. And although he doesn’t appear to be jealous, Court is okay biding her time. She says for now, she’s Neill’s understudy, and Matt is Mark’s understudy. Unfortunately, this implies that Mark and Neill are the true stars here—that Matt and Court are the B-team, but I think Court means it as foreshadowing. Spoiler alert: the two lovebirds who hail from Planet Tan are probably going to end up together.

See you, baby. Rebecca’s time in our fair city has come to an end. In preparation for her big return to San Francisco, she is wearing something from the Vivian Ward collection. (The one before Richard Gere enters the picture.) She’s also rocking a huge bruise on her arm. Anyway, she’s packing all of her tiny clothes into a suitcase (although a fanny pack would have sufficed), and she’s sad. Glenn’s sad, too. So sad that he’s decided to rob a train, which is why he’s wearing a bandanna around his neck.

Later, at DFW, Glenn drops Rebecca curbside and proceeds to eat her face. “I love you,” she says. “I love you, too, sweetheart,” he answers. “See you, baby.” He leaves her, and then she takes a shuttle to the proper terminal. Poor Glenn. Letters and numbers are hard.

I literally have goosebumps from how grossed out I am. Remember Tara’s gross ex who likes to finger his own nipples? He’s back! John wants to talk to Tara about her terrible taste in men. (John could be Exhibit A here.) So he takes her to an indoor rock climbing venue. Could there be a better setting for an intervention?

Before they can get down to business, they have to rent some shoes. John proceeds to inhale deeply and smell a rented shoe because he is hilarious. Seriously, at this point, Tara should say, “You know what? Point taken. Let’s not do this. I have horrible taste in men. I’ll go to Hazelden or Promises or Betty Ford or wherever you go for that malady.” Instead she says, “Thank God I brought socks.”

John is one of the only exes she is friends with. Which, sure. Why not? The guy is clearly hilarious. He looks like a million bucks in his jorts and bike chain necklace. He sports an incredibly cool arm tattoo. So yeah, when this guy wants to talk about what a loser Jody Dean is, he’s got her attention. You see, when a guy like John sits down Indian style and looks you in the eye and tells you that there’s no way the relationship is going to work—that your family will never be okay with it—well, you just have to listen. Tara has a lot to think about, as do we.

Two handsome men in one day. I must be living right. Matt and his father George are having a very serious conversation about the European economy, Marcel Proust, and the plot of last night’s The Mentalist. That is until Courtney bursts in wearing something borrowed and offering something new: coffee!

Court has a new plan. She’s going to make Matt jealous by sleeping with his dad. Oldest trick in the book. “How are yeeeeeeuuuuwww?” she purrs to poor Georgie.

He runs away.

He’s not the only one running. It seems Mark has decided to flee back to South Africa for six weeks, and Court is sad. “I just started to like him!” she whines. “He’s five years younger than you are,” Matt counters.

After correcting him (only four years, the nerve!), Court employs her baby voice again, but this time to apparently make fun of Maje. Which, that’s not very nice. She tells Matt that he needs to cut the strings with Neill because everyone thinks they are dating, and since they are in high school, it matters what everyone thinks. “Perception is reality,” she says solemnly. Matt is so impressed by her insight that she doesn’t have the heart to tell them she saw it on a bumper sticker on the back of a Corrolla on the way over.

Moving on, they talk about Matt’s upcoming foray into the world of philanthropy. “How are you getting off work [for the event]?”Matt asks Courtney. She explains that the Tokyo markets are closed during the weekend and that she also got someone to cover her shift at the mall. Overjoyed, he asks Courtney to be his date. “You’re the most important woman in my life,” he says.

It’s been a good run. We’re back in Courtney’s sophisticated pied-a-terre where she is fumigating her hair with an aerosol can in preparation for her big farewell scene with Mark. She’s armed herself with a large yellow necklace that can be used as a weapon, just in case things get ugly.

Mark enters with a bottle of South African wine, which makes Courtney happy. She can hoard her Chard! After taking a long, long, long sip, Courtney does what she does second best (after drinking): talking. “You put your finger on it, and there’s something that I dig,” she says. (She’s clothed, by the way.) She’s thinking that maybe when Mark gets back they’ll give it another try. She’s wondering if maybe, despite the seven-hour time difference, they can stay in touch. The magic they experienced on the trolley—the fun they had with the Supreme Court justices—you just don’t find that every day.

But Mark has other ideas. “Well, you have Matt, so we have no problem,” he says. “Matt and I have never even kissed,” Courtney argues. “Matt is the least of your worries.” But Mark basically dumps her—if you can dump someone after a date that was essentially a ride on public transportation.

How does fate reward him? With a ticket on the bitchin’ Mustang, that’s how! Somewhere in the distance, he hears Courtney’s crazy laugh. He shivers, gets in his car, and drives to South Africa.

Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into this one. Jody Dean is wearing a suit, and it’s not the Temple Grandin one from a previous episode! The occasion? He has invited Tara over for lobster salad. (That is not a euphemism.) As Tara sips her signature drink—Chard on the rocks—Jody tells her, “You are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” And that’s nice, right?

Later he takes Tara to his rooftop deck—Glenn isn’t the only one with a wingman—and marvels at his good fortune. He doesn’t see himself in Tara’s league. He’s right. But then he starts asking Tara some hard questions. “Why didn’t you go all the way down the aisle?” he asks. It seems we don’t know all there is to know about Tara. In addition to being very bronzed, very into Coty pink lipstick, and very devoted to dogs, Tara is also very Catholic. She later notes that although she’s been engaged four times, this is the first time she’s being cautious.

Once the talking is dispensed with, the two kiss. “I love you,” Jody tells her. “I love you, too, baby,” Tara replies.

I think Tara might be confused about what “cautious” means.

Obviously neither of us is looking for a relationship. Matt has a problem: women fall in love with him. He can’t help it. He’s tan. He’s a former football player. He’s a busy business man. He rocks child-size-small t-shirts. But that power has consequences, and tonight, he has to break the heart of poor little Neill. He is going to shut her down. He is going to destroy her. He hates to do it, but he has to.

He takes her to the MAC because Matt is worldly and, in addition to loving charity, he also loves art. “Beam me up, Scotty,” the art historian says when he notices a certain piece. “What’s going on here?” Matt is also very funny. But moving on, it’s time to do the deed. He doesn’t want to crush Neill. But he has to. So he brings up Courtney. He quotes her incredible line about perception being reality. He tells her that he will always be there for her.

Then the best thing in the world happens: Neill practically laughs in his face. She doesn’t care. Later, in her interview, she says, “Honestly, it’s a relief. If he wants Courtney, he can have Courtney. If she wants him, like, she can have him…I like going solo.”

What’s up, headband? Poor, sad, pathetic, self-destructive Drew is sporting a weird headband for penance, presumably. He’s done something bad, and he needs Number One Gay Daylon’s help. It seems that on Sunday night, Cody called and asked him to hang out. So they head over to “S4,” and then another dude that Drew has been texting with shows up and they kiss. Right in front of Cody!

Number One Gay Daylon is nonplussed. “You kissed him, or he kissed you?” he asks.

“I think it was more mutual,” Drew answers.

Drew hasn’t bothered to call and apologize to Cody, preferring to let the headband (very much like a hair shirt) do the talking. Daylon thinks that’s a mistake and advises that Drew make the call sooner rather than later.

“Why did you do that?” Daylon asks again of Drew’s dumb, dumb actions.

“I don’t know. I always screw up,” Drew says. “Go big or go home.”

Eventually, Drew returns to the Ritz and lights up a smoke before dialing Cody. When Cody asks what he’s sorry for, he apologizes for accidentally making out with a boy. To Cody’s credit, he’s not having any of it. Cody points out that Drew is sober. He notes that Drew always plays the victim. “Drew is so vulnerable,” he mocks. “Poor Drew.” And he’s right. Drew does always play the victim, and that’s not okay. Also not okay? I’m 99 percent sure that Drew says, “I’m gratefully sorry that I did this.” He also says that he feels like his soul has been put through a meat grinder, shoved back in his body, and ripped out again. So that stinks.

I feel like I need to get a load off. Matt is nervous. I know what you’re thinking: no way. Not smooth, debonair, man about town Matt. But it’s true! He’s nervous about becoming the next George Soros. The best way to relieve stress? Pool party! (The Gettys do it all the time.) He invites all of his friends to board a party bus (the trolley was booked) and head for the suburbs. People are drinking hard. Girls are saying things like, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” It’s all very tasteful.

Once at the pool, the shirts come off. A man who presumably works as or is named Butler is rocking a very large back tattoo that reads “Butler.” Girls are stumbling around in bikinis and stillettos. Courtney and Tara are not impressed. “There’s not a single guy without a tribal tattoo in here,” Tara complains. “Literally, this is grossing me out.”

Courtney concurs. “You can either wear high heels or bikinis. You can’t wear both,” she opines. To her credit, she practices what she preaches and chooses to swim in her cover-up. Matt is waiting for her in the pool, and it’s the perfect time and place to tell her about how he used her brilliant quote to break up with Neill. Court tells him her own sad story of woe about the South African who fled. “So, I got six weeks to make you fall in love with me?” Matt asks.

In the meantime, Glenn is talking to a visiting Rhodes Scholar about her cool sunglasses.

If you can’t tone it, tan it. Courtney’s mom Royanne does not make me happy. That is all.

To whom much is given, much is expected. It’s finally time for Matt’s big event. Football players are in attendance. Michael Jackson’s guitar is ready for auction. The band is playing. Jody and Tara are working the red carpet. Glenn is bragging about his hilarious jacket-free look. In fact, the only person missing is Courtney. She’s getting ready, filling her soul with Chard, putting on her face, wishing away thoughts of the workday and ugly sunglasses.

But finally she arrives and everything is great! Matt gives a speech! Matt is a hit! Matt wins the Nobel Peace Price! And he’s just so happy, guys. He wants to keep on giving. It feels so good to give. He turns to Courtney. “We just bought property out by Possum Kingdom by the lake,” he says. “I thought we could get away…Are you down?

Courtney is so down. She’s excited. She’s ready to hang out and chill out, and “like, veg.”

Please, God. Let next week be the last one of these things.

39 comments on “Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Seven Recap

  1. I didn’t even know Micheal Jackson played the guitar. Wow, this show is really teaching me a lot of important stuff. Literally.

  2. slightly disappointed that you didn’t go into more detail about tara’s disney princess voiceover of, “i love you too, baby!” in response to jody’s deeply emotional whisper; “i’m in love with you.”

    i’m totally over drew. i fast forward though his scenes, because he is sooooooo boringgggg. maybe they should replace him with his step-mama, gina ginsburg, for next season. on second thought, hopefully there isn’t one.

  3. Watching the show isn’t even fun anymore. You know what is fun? Your Tuesday recaps.

    Thank you, Laura. I’m going home now to read this again, probably over a glass of Chard for the full effect.

  4. Go Neill! The look on her face when Matt let her go was, “Thank God I don’t have to spend any more time with this guy.” And, Glenn was so upset about Rebecca leaving he went straight to the hoochie pool party? Poor babe.

  5. Loved the plexiglass framed UT football jersey proudly displayed on the wall of Matt’s “office”!
    Perception is reality…see, world? I really WAS a star and here’s my “Hook ‘Em Horns” uniform hanging on the wall to prove it !

  6. I’m so glad that Bravo lets us know what we should be feeling/thinking with their Emmy-worthy “Best Sound Editing for Worst Reality Series” soundtrack plays, e.g. the somber symphony as Drew goes on and on about nothing, or when the ghettolicious urban beat plays as they show scenes of Dallas,…or when the sounds of air blow through the Prairies of Texas as they show clips of Courtney a-thinkin’.

    Why does Bravo think we should care about relationships of characters so deeply (Drew and his headband, Tara and that guy, Matt and Courtney, etc.) when they’ve spent all of fourty-two seconds building the plot line up?

  7. After reading several of these well done recaps I finally decided to watch an actual episode – last night. That was a big mistake.

    I am glad however, that I took the precaution of recording it so I could skip the commercials and minimize the amount of my limited life span that I would loose by watching it.

    This show really is as bad as many of the commentators say.

    The women almost universally look washed up, worn out, haggard and aging rapidly – they resemble the “over the mountain” women that populate the Real Housewives shows (using the traditional “hill” would not be honest). These women are going to be sending the children of plastic surgeons to college for the rest of their lives. In fact, their surgeons will probably have the best relationship with them that any male will.

    These women are the dream women of divorce lawyers.

    The men, wow what can I say about the men. Maybe that is best – saying nothing. The men aspire to be caricatures. Except for Jody the only thing they have in common are their protruding chins and their almost male model – but not quite – looks. That and their emotional instability and permanent adolescence. Very disturbing. One hopes it is just the script but me thinks not.

    This “show” is the high-lite of their lives – you can tell. We will be running across them the rest of our time in Dallas as he/she is what’s his/her name from one of those stupid TV shows about Dallas that ran years ago. They will make Charlene Tilton from the original Dallas TV show look like a long careered super star.

    If the casting calls produced this SPCA kennel gathering as the best Dallas can do, then all I can say is that the Texas drought has affected more than just our flora, fauna and soil.

    Stick to these recaps they really are better than the actual show and they are actually better looking than the cast of this show – I can’t explain why a web blog is better looking than a TV’s characters but somehow in this case it is true.

    JODY DEAN – have known/seen you for years – GET A CHIN IMPLANT!!! You have needed one since you hit 18.

    Telling you that you need to loose weight is telling you something you already know. Expecting you to actually do it is asking too much – BUT JD, get real, the only reason you are still pullin’ any is your job & income – not your looks. You really need to work on them. I hope you saved well.

  8. Why are the people in Tara’s orbit on this show? They are in their 40’s or more. We saw the kind of people at the pool party that belong on the show. Then we have the Angies and Gregs. Enough said on their desire for publicity. Tara’s relationships former and current have real lives. They do not have style shows in development or plans to sell fragrances. Why didn’t they run away as fast as possible when she raised the subject?

  9. (Jody) has invited Tara over for lobster salad. (That is not a euphemism.)

    I have been laughing over this all afternoon. I am now on a quest to make “lobster salad” into a euphemism.

  10. I’m not sure why everyone is down on this show. It’sa reality show people, get on board or don’t watch. Be glad that Brave came to Dallas to film something!

  11. The pool scene was hysterical! The women were reminded what hot, young, sexy singles in Big D really look like. To watch Tara and Courtney get disgusted over those women and judge them like they were at a strip club was classic. “Bitter, party of 2….your botox is ready”. Yes ladies, THOSE are the girl’s your best friends (of what? 6 months???) enjoy having around. Not aging, plastic surgery obsessed oompa loompa’s looking for a rich man. When Courtney sat in the pool with her cover-up on Webster’s definition of insecure should have popped up on the screen! How this show is still on blows me away! When you follow the new season of the Beverly Hills Housewives you would think ratings would be huge? Not in this case. People know Dallas for the gorgeous cheerleaders, non-stop nightlife and the sexy people…These aren’t them. Great re-cap !

  12. Good stuff, but please speak your truth. I sense you could stand to express more vitriole. Remember, these are just TV characters, not real people. So, who gives a sh*t about them and their feelings?!

  13. At the pool party one of the hoochie girls was talking to Glenn about her sunglasses and mentioned she had the salesgirl pull about 40 for her to try on. I kept thinking she’d run into Courtney and realize she sold her the glasses…. :O

  14. Rex please don’t envy me, you people are addicted to me all you do is comment,look, watch and wish.therefore I am superior to all you dallasites. I was a quarterback then an executive now a star, Gina all you can do is wish, as a matter of fact Rex may hire you to was some cars..

  15. Every last insufferable individual on this show is without a doubt, 100% certifiably bat S@#* crazy, in particular, one Ms. Courtney Kerr. So much so that I actually wish Bravo would film a homeless person pushing her in front of a Dart bus….Too harsh? This show is even worse than that god awful “Miami Social”. Shame on you Bravo for casting these tards to represent our beautiful city. Not everyone in Dallas has a horse face, lisp, or an I’m too sexy for my bald spot ego.

    I’m Just Sayin….

  16. Michael u r so jealous, probably sitting in your robe doing nothing watching reruns. Off to gym then shooting for nextvseason, gotta love it

  17. Ok, I am embarrassed to say—I have been watching this train wreck of a show—–your recaps are THE best part. Such a bad show—love ur column. Oxox

  18. Awe, Matt you got me! Full House is always better the second and third time around. Today was the one where Uncle Jesse teaches the girls a valuable lesson about perception and reality, and warns against the womanizing douche patrol who really enjoy the company of other men.

    Such a great episode!

  19. The fact that I have been with other men is not an issue nor is it anyones business, you are beginning to irritate me, and you wont like me when I am irritated.

  20. Ummm… did anyone else see the post on UK Mail about Matt dating Taylor from the Real housewives of Beverly Hills. SHe is a super distrubed person. I though Matt was a douche and spoiled but now I can add bad person to that list. Why would he be with a washed up, broke, grasping for her youth mother who lives on hours away and has an allegedly questionable and shaddy past?

  21. @Tag I read about their dating on Starcasm.net website. That link was posted in a website about MED. I was more than shocked. Would never have thought that pairing even possible. Lots of discussions regarding both “stars” on various sites.

    Wouldn’t surprise me to read next that Matt is dating Tareq Salahi – they both seem to be fame / publicity whores.

  22. Tag and Sturg you can throw stones all you want to, I am the envy of every man in Dallas and many in Hollywood. Watch my stock and brand soar!!!

  23. @ Tony Romo: Yeah, very possible! a three-way ACCIDENT!!! LOL! (No, I hope they’re safe.)

    Laura, Hilarious comment about the guy with the butler tattoo, and how Glenn was so sad he wore his bandana to go rob a train!!!! Etc, this was the best recap!! I got the Kleenex out!!! I loved it. Its the main reason I watch the show. The recaps are better when you have references.

  24. I’m not even from Dallas and I hate this show but I Can’t. Stop. Watching. I’m not even from Dallas! It. Its like an STD, every week or so I just have to look and see the consequences of my poor decision to flip around. It’s all about Courtney. She is such a train wreck. Insecure, vapid and out of touch with any kind of reality. I cannot look away.. The reason Drew hates her is because she is the exact kind of girl who made fun of him when he was fat and gay in highschool. It’s all in the editing. You have to credit the editors, they are the true Willy Wonkas here, turning nothing into something!

    I love your commentary, this is exactly what I was looking for.

  25. OSC posted that Chard and Mattie will be on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen on October 17, immediately following the season finale of Most Eligible: Dallas. Watch if you can handle it, I can’t so I’ll wait for the recap of both!

  26. I really liked the chick at the pool party who had a religious tramp stamp – tribal with a cross. What a good girl.

  27. OMG this blog makes watching DME worth it – I’m embarrassed to admit I can’t stop watching this show. I feel sure Dallas has more to offer than a girl that sells sunglasses at the mall – is that Courtney’s real and only job? These folks are supposedly are hobnobbing with the Bushes?

  28. I don’t wash cars, Matt. I pay to have those things done for me when I’m in town. I just saw this. I was in Napa last week and living life to the FULLEST as I always do. This week I’ve been in meetings for a new project I have in development. Check out my profile pic and you’ll see just how adored I am and why Bravo is in talks with me for a new show. You’re pathetic.

  29. Wow should be most eliagible trailer park trash losers where in the hell did they find this crew? Trust this is nothing of what Dallas really is…This is the worse show..Put Hee Haw on in its place it would get better ratings…This show is absolutely the dumbest show on Bravo wow guess they needed a loss leader …….Poor Dallas should be imbarassed

  30. Jody Dean? Man, he doesn’t fit in this show. KVIL, then Channel-something news and now this? It’s just bad. This whole show is pathetic. God, make it go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  31. Gina, your red headed boyfriend took you to Napa you freeloadin whore…You have been all over the country and a few to Mexico with numerous men, as for bragging about Bravo honey they do not even know you exist. On another note I am very fortunate to be writing you this from a Gulfstream jet, Im sure you have been on those and aquired the mile high club with a few execs I hear . Your house, family, jobs and all the other lies you tell are a sham get real with all of Dallas and stop your lies, and when it comes to talent and management trust me I am a phone call away from having you deliver food and drinks to the set, much like when you worked the topless bars back in the day. Now back to your numerous lies oh so many…Let me ask your boyfriend if he knows your past, been to your house, pulled the title on your car, seen your passport and so many other little ingenious things you are known for….

  32. I love watching eligible Dallas. I got addicted.,Love watching the couple Matt and Courtney together. .,They have strong chemistry., You can even feel just by watching them., They look perfect together. I love this reality show.., I found Courtney intelligent and classic., Thank God for her. She is amazingly sophisticated and beautiful and of course educated. she knows what words she use all the time., I watch this show with my friends together even when I’m in Australia.,.We don’t want to miss.,.,. Thank you Bravo.,.,.,.,