After a week of respite, Most Eligible Dallas is back, and I'm sorry to report that the gang is up to their same old tricks.

Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Five Recap

Most Eligible Dallas Getting to Know You Season1 Episode5

After a week of respite, Most Eligible Dallas is back, and I’m sorry to report that the gang is up to their same old tricks. Is it too much to ask for Bravo to use some of the editors from the Real Housewives franchise? We need a team who knows how reality television works, because this show is an affront. It’s boring. There’s no real conflict. There’s no sex. There’s no humor. There’s nothing. Viewers aren’t outraged by this show; we’re merely exhausted by it. But we started this journey, so let’s get down to business. Bravo calls this week’s insult to intelligence “Getting to Know You.” I call it “The Setup” because everything that happens this week—including the romantic setups—is contrived and fabricated and manufactured by the high school interns Bravo tasked with this show. Let’s battle our way through them together, shall we?

1. Fight Club. DIFFA continues to rage on, and, likewise, Drew continues to rage on Courtney. If you’ll remember, she has made Daylon her Number One Gay, and Drew is not having any of it. There’s only room for one star on this show, and it’s Drew! He’s going to let Courtney have it! He’s going to tell her what’s what!

“I’m sorry if I might be real,” sincere, sober Drew says. “And I might be boring. And I’m not funny enough for you…But that’s the way God made me.”

You can almost hear the Bravo camera people sigh in despair. You can be sure someone in production jotted down, “Reminder: this is why we don’t employ people who don’t drink.” Even though Drew’s yes-man gives him props on his performance (“You did an amazing job. You were great,” he says. “For real real. Not for play play. For real real.”), the Fight Scene is a bust.

Unwilling to give up, Bravo sets up a breakfast shoot at Breadwinners. Courtney gets there first and orders up her Chardonnay while she awaits the arrival of Drew. He shows, complains about traffic, fires up a smoke, talks about why he’s angry, and then things get interesting. I don’t know if it’s the Chard or the secondhand smoke, but Court starts enunciating strangely. And then she becomes British. “In Dallas—in a city that does charity work all the time…And I didn’t realize this was as grand to you as it was… If I’d known this, perhaps I would have…Bob’s your uncle!…Bloody hell!…And I’m terribly sorry…Chimchiminee!” The duo makes peace, and Courtney scoops up her glass of Chard, hooks arms with chimney sweep Burt, and pops into a chalk drawing.

2. Working Girl. Next, we tour the headquarters of a multinational electronics business, which apparently is located on the second floor in a home somewhere in Preston Hollow. Vice president of sales—and busy business lady— Tara and her brother are meeting to discuss pressing matters. It seems Neiman Marcus could go out of business if they don’t get more of the bling iPod cases right this very minute! That settled, the execs move on to the next emergency: government problems. “The government isn’t giving our factories power,” Tara explains. I’m not going to lie. I see this coming when I notice that the vice president of sales for an electronics company is rocking a PC from 1988. But it seems to be a surprise to Tara. She begins speaking in tongues. “Grazi! Oy Vey! Hola!” she exclaims.

Upon hearing his cue, Drew enters from stage left. He comes bearing gifts—an Ed Hardy tent that dates back to when he was fat and straight. Thoughts of the factories and the mean old government go by the wayside. “What about going and stealing a dog?” Tara asks. It seems that Tara has had her eye on a dog for the last year that might require rescue. “How the hell are you going to steal a dog, Columbo?” Drew asks. (Note to Drew: Columbo was a police detective, not a thief. A better character name to use would have been Alexander Mundy from the old television show It Takes a Thief.) Despite the mission being “borderline insanity,” Drew agrees to leave the electronics company headquarters and head for the “ghetto.”

After a brief drive, the twosome arrive on the set of Hoarders. Tara knocks on the door, and surprise! No one answers. In the meantime, after much thought, Drew coins the heist “Operation Beaver Snatch” and proclaims that “this is breaking the law at its finest.”

And it is, if breaking the law at its finest means bolt cutting a lock, opening a gate, and “saving” a remarkably healthy-looking, mange-free dog named Elliott who all but winks at the camera. We also see London, we see France, and we see Drew’s underpants. Get a belt, sir!

3. Love Story. Although DIFFA raises money for a great cause, it sure does bring out the worst in our eligible gang. Take Matt. He’s angry. Despite putting himself “out there” and asking Neill if she wants to attend the event together (after Courtney turned him down, by the way), she has the audacity to speak to castmate Glenn. And that’s just “disrespectful.” Matt retrieves her and says, “We’re out of here.” On the way out, he says, “Just don’t be my fu**ing date if you’re gonna do your thing.”

“To her credit, Neill responds, “Don’t cuss at me like that!”

“I don’t want to hold you up, man. Do your thing. Walk out with Glenn,” he says. (Note: women love it when dudes refer to them as “man.” That Matt is one smooth character.)

Once in the car, Matt begins to apologize, and by the time he drops Neill off at the school/office building where she and Maje are squatting (seriously—I hope someone remembered to disable  the fire alarm), all is forgiven. The two make out. Matt touches her neck, considers strangling her, but then thinks better of it.

Lucky for us! Because we’re treated to an incredibly romantic hamburger date at The Commissary, wherein John Tesar makes a special guest appearance, serving hamburgers and wine. Neill marvels at the french fries–she never has them. “That’s why I look like a little french fry,” she remarks. She also marvels at how great she is. “I always knew I’d be a really great mom, and I really am,” she says. (“Then why are you making John Tesar babysit me?” Maje snorts off camera.)

Matt is sold. “She’s like this rocker, and then she’s got the depth of a hunter,” he remarks. (“She so does!” Ted Nugent yells off camera.)

4. Urban Cowboy. Did you know that Billy Bob’s celebrated its 35th anniversary recently? Don’t worry. Judging from the poor attendance at the party, no one else did either. But even though socialites don’t hang out there as a rule, Tara agrees to head to Fort Worth with Jody Dean. In honor of the occasion, Jody has shaved his soul patch and donned the suit Kim wore on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a few weeks ago. (A reviewer more clever than I compared it to a “Temple Grandlin outfit.”)

As if that’s not exciting enough, Courtney is coming to check things out. “I’m going to freaking Inspector Gadget Jody,” she says. I think she thinks this means that she’s going to give him the business. The problem: Courtney is dumb. “What are, like, your vices?” she asks. When Jody doesn’t answer right away, she starts listing things she likes–comfy high heels and the like. The woman doesn’t know what “vice” means.

Here’s the thing: Jody has had a lot of vices–the drinking. The women. So either he doesn’t know what “vice” means or …Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t know what it means because he answers, “My kids.” He doesn’t know, right?

5. Dumb and Dumber. Once upon a time, Glenn played for the Oakland Raiders. In his free time, he would attend festivals and fall in love with people named Rebecca. Unfortunately because he was cut from the Raiders and “wasn’t ready,” the two broke up. But guess what? Rebecca likes the idea of being on television, so she books passage on an airplane and heads to town.

Glenn picks up his lady at DFW. (Nice try, Bravo, showing us a shot of a Southwest flight.) Rebecca is a very blond lady–maybe an older Neill? “I brought you flowers,” Glenn says proudly. And it’s true. He’s brought roses. Two roses.

The two settle in for some deep conversation as soon as Glenn grabs her luggage.

Rebecca: Thank you, babe.

Glenn: You’re welcome, babe. You look beautiful, babe.

Rebecca: Thank you, babe.

Later, Glenn takes Rebecca on a romantic date to Dude Sweet Chocolate because “two of Rebecca’s main loves in life are chocolate and me.” They roll chocolate and hilarity ensues.

Rebecca: I like making big balls

Glenn: That’s what she said.

Even later still, Glenn’s wingman, the rooftop patio, makes an appearance, and things get deeper still.

Rebecca: You’re my best friend, babe.

Glenn: You’re MY best friend, babe.

Two things: Glenn is dating himself, and you might want to play a “babe” drinking game next week if Rebecca continues her special guest star turn.We all should!

6. Meet Me in St. Louis. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding, ding went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went Courtney’s heartstrings when she went on a date boring as hell. We first encounter Courtney sitting on the side of the road rocking a side braid, a hat, a romper, a bathing suit top (?), and some black heels—which, judging from the time the camera devoted to them, might be a vice.

She calls Matt for moral support—signing off with an “I love you!—before her date Mark roars up in his bitchin’ Mustang. “I like your sunglasses,” she says of his Wayfarers. But she says it in a nice, casual way—not even hinting that she’s a professional. The two drag race on the mean streets of Uptown, grab a sixer of Stella, and head for the McKinney Avenue Trolley–you know, like you do.

“I’ve never been with an international guy,” Court says. Luckily, her British accent does not make a reapperance. She does attempt to mimic Mark’s accent, which is unfortunate, but he doesn’t run.

Before the trolley can lurch to the next stop (500 yards away), Court’s posse shows up. You see, she’s invited her two best friends on the date. Again, like you do. She has a good reason, though—”My girlfriends are the Supreme Court of dating,” she explains.

Luckily, Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg love to party. They get a big kick out of riding the trolley and even ride a mechanical bull at some terrible Uptown Bar later. Despite the example set by these two esteemed women, Courtney is hesitant. “My biggest issue with riding the bull is my issue with everything else in life—my hair. Let’s not mess up the side braid,” she says.

I can’t do this one anymore. Let’s just say she pretends to like Mark. She kisses him at the end of the date and tells him to call her.

7. Fake It Till You Make It. Let’s end this too-long recap with the most egregiously fake item: the Matt and Courtney relationship. We’re meant to believe that Matt dates three, four, even five women in a single night, and all that behavior like that might entail. Yet he has given his key to Courtney because she is his best friend? Listen, one of my best friends asked to borrow my laptop recently, and I made him swear on the life of his children that he wouldn’t look through my email, and my life is boring. So I don’t buy that this lady has a key to his house.

But let’s say he gave it to her to get his mail, water plants, adjust the crosses on the wall while he is on his many international business travels. It makes no sense that she would then just let herself in, light candles, and set up a romantic meal. (By the way, Courtney, if you’re looking for your muffler, you left it in Matt’s driveway.) The back-and-forth, the fake kiss, his sophomoric refusal to even use the word “date” for what he does with women, her definition of pillow talk… Well, it just makes me want to make like Matt’s hair and leave.

I’m sorry. Fingers crossed that next week will be less painful. I don’t have a lot of faith.

19 comments on “Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Five Recap

  1. I love Mr Buddons

    And that Tesar burger looked yummy

    The show is bad because all the people are so superficial and have no depth

  2. The producers didn’t let them be themselves because the whole thing was storyboarded & basically scripted.

  3. You people are so jealous of me, I laugh everyday knowing you all wish you had what i have. Now so you know I will end up in Hollywood and all of you will amount to nothing, I am comfortable in my own skin and this big joke you call a reality show, it’s merely my life . I am a bisexual man with a child out of wedlock that I never see, I lie to my parents and all of you. This show will catupult me into stardom while you Dallas dorks attempt to amount to something. Untill then D magazine and Wick can get off their high horse and start worshipping me The perfect man.

  4. This blog is the best part of the show..well I actually kind of like the credits that play in the beginning but the following 58 minutes are just a teaser to reading the recaps, which I actually enjoy and make me laugh. I’m usually team bravo, for what it’s worth, but this is just awful.

  5. love the recap. so perfect..i have never seen so many fake moments. i am still not over trolley ride.. laughing back to Knife has 5 letters and fork 4 so GET IT RIGHT… four for left 5 for right? what in the world.Souther Etiquette…. Doesn’t Bravo watch what they let get on air. i thought rebecca was neill. and they were saving on money and only using one person. great recap. if this goes a second season, i will be surprised. where are the crazy chair throwing people?

  6. Dallas is a very dynamic city. Many very interesting and inspiring and controversial people live there. Unfortunately none of those people appear anywhere in any Dallas reality show. Between this one and Big Rich Texas I am falling about with boredom at every turn. So from now on instead of watching the shows I will only read the blogs. Much funnier and much more interesting.

  7. Who knew pepper jack cheese was a turn on? Courtney reminds me of a lot of the girls from my university. A large number of them ended up married to closeted gay men. Just saying babe, think about it babe. Literally babe.

  8. I just found this by accident last week and now these recaps are the funniest things I read all week. Laura, if I am ever in the Dallas area, I will track you down and by you a beer.

  9. Does Jesus not love me? I’ve been praying night and day for this show to be cancelled, but continue reading this episode recap ’til it does…and let’s all hope that it does. Soon. It’s as tragic as watching a limbless baby blow it’s way through a room using a ventilation operated wheelchair that is slowly losing battery power with no tread on its tires.

  10. I wish there was a place that I could post the undercover pictures my friend took of Matt Nordgren shopping at Macy’s on the 50% off FUBU and Sean John racks. Yeah, we followed the bald spot all the way to the darker side of the mall. We expected to find legions of his willing concubines waiting outside in a Bentley, but it was just him and the sale rack. (Yawn.)
    Laura, we are living for your blog…it’s infinitely better than the show.

  11. - what was with the shots of longhorn cattle over and over?
    - does Bravo know anyone that actually works in a non-media office? Are they trying to make Tara look like a ditz with that blow off on the factory issue (it really is a common Chinese problem)
    - it did look unusual where Matt dropped off the mom. I figured they did not want to show where she really lived. The whole romance looks weird when you compare some easily obtainable facts. She is an actress that was married to an actor, living in NYC. Did they ever explain what the ex QB was doing in LA?
    - what is with the parental units? We have only not heard or seen Tara’s parents. Her Mom’s attitude might have been relayed in first episode so the brother was a fill-in.
    - does the Shrew order alcohol everywhere?
    - that line about looking for her muffler in the QB’s driveway was hilarious. First thing I thought of when she pulled into that driveway.
    -the scripted parts are obvious. That is reality TV. The part I do not get is why Jody Dean wants any part of it. Drops the baby deal breaker and then has to go to the rest room? The punter’s blonde is an obvious California ditz looking for exposure, but Jody is a 51 years old mature adult.

  12. I am the brother of one of the oakland raiders. I saw Rebecca at all of the raiders pre-season games and in the family section after the games with Glenn. She is so gorgeous in person and was so sweet to my girlfriend and I. I’m not sure if they are back together, especially since Glenn was cut, but she seems like a keeper.

  13. This show is an embarrassment. Seriously. I lived in Dallas for over twenty years and for the past six years in Miami, and this is the worst of Dallitude. These “kids” live off Daddy and brag that they’ve accomplished so much. Its pathetic. Starting a charity and saying “I’m getting nothing out of it!” Really?! I’m not expecting Bobby and Pamela, but for God’s sake, find somebody real . . .and somebody who can pronounce button!

  14. Jayna. Obviously tons of lies jealousy and more when it comes to g. Her house,her family , her businesses her past relationships…ought so many questions about that señorita,
    Like I said before my producers, agents, stylists and castbare not fans of the Alejandra