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Most Eligible Dallas: Episode One Recap

Most Eligible Dallas Season1 Episode1 Previous

Last night, I headed over to Highland Park Village for the premiere of Most Eligible Dallas. If I had any doubts about being underdressed as I walked to the theater, they were confirmed immediately by the young woman holding the clipboard. “Are you here to see Cowboys and Aliens?” she asked.

Once it was established that, old jeans or no, I was in the right place, I was able to gain entry, greedily drink some sparkling wine,  and check out the show with a bunch of very dressed-up people. And now I can share my recap with you. Jump if you care. Check out pictures of people who were there, if you don’t.

Here’s the plot of this episode (series?): This lady named Courtney who lives in Dallas likes this man named Matt who also lives in Dallas. Matt does not like Courtney in a boy/girl way. This irritates Courtney to no end, and she picks fights at establishments in Dallas and Plano.

That’s it.

Who are these folks? Well, Courtney is a very tan, 29-year-old woman who, when she’s not going out on the town, “works closely” with Amber Venz. (We’re trying to determine what that means.) Dallas is a small town, and she runs into the same people all the time.  “It’s very incestual,” she opines. Before finding stardom, she dated a gentleman for four years. He told her he was no longer attracted to her during the countdown on New Year’s Eve.

Her “best friend” Matt is a very tan former college football player who loves the ladies! He has black lacquer furniture in his bedroom! He loves hanging out at Teddy’s Room! He never plans on hooking up—he just goes with it! He invites 20 girls at a time to meet him! “Honestly, no one else can really do it,” he says. “Why do one on one when you can do one on three?” Playas gotta play!

Matt obviously has nothing to prove.

So we must endure this Sam/Diane, David Addison/Maddie Hayes couple—minus any of the chemistry—as they meet up and fight throughout the hour. Courtney is infuriated by  the “blonde parade” that Matt has assembled at Teddy’s Room. Courtney doesn’t like the single mom (aka co-star) that Bravo forced Matt to bring to a dinner at Na’an Sushi. She is incensed when Matt dares to wear sunglasses and bring a newspaper to brunch at Sfuzzi. The woman used to work at Sunglass Hut at Willow Bend, so what’s her problem with shades? But it is the newspaper that truly perplexes her. “Are we reading the paper?” she asks, rolling her eyes at the absurdity.  “He probably stopped by a coffee shop to get a paper,” she deduces. “I’m so sophisticated. Like, really, Matt?”

Poor dumb Matt, trying to appear literate on a television show.

As for the rest of the cast, they are merely supporting characters.

We’ll start with Drew Ginsburg. Surely you know Drew Ginsburg, yes? Everyone does, dahling. His last name carries a lot of weight in town. Speaking of weight, did you know Little Lord Fauntleroy lost 200 pounds? (I’m here all week!) I do have some sympathy for Drew—he’s new money, newly thin, and newly out, and he’s on a reality show. So I get it. That’s a tough combination. And he doesn’t seem all that worldly. Despite the fact that his mom is in Cairo, you don’t get the feeling they began talking about the revolution once the cameras stopped rolling. He can’t even pronounce “button” properly. (He says “buddon.”)

But get it together, sir! You do not need to address yourself as “Mr. Ginsburg” to the help. You are not Countess LuAnn, after all. You also do not need to sexually harass your concierge. No one needs to know that, “I take [my coffee] like I take my men: black.” And I have a hard time believing that the Sewell kids are allowed to call stick shifts a “d*ck in the floor” or “John Holmes” at their dad’s dealerships.

The food thing might be a problem. Drew lost 200 pounds thanks to gastric bypass and had a chest and tummy tuck. Now he’s doing a controversial 500-calorie diet that includes hormone injections. (Although, I would argue that the Caesar salad he ordered put him over his allowance for the day.) And he does that weird thing that people who fear food do—he orders food for his friends and watches them eat. In this case, he serves his dog a plate of french fries. (Not good for the dog, dude.)

But all of that pales in comparison to Drew’s attempt to smoke on camera. Parents, show your children footage of Drew smoking, and it will never seem cool again.

Next up is Tara, a lady who likes to save dogs and get engaged. She lives in Preston Hollow, near George Bush, and is worried that Al Queda could be down the street. She likes to drink wine, and she can’t go to Europe without someone asking “Who shot JR?” She apparently takes this as a compliment and not as an indication that maybe it’s time to change some things.

Next! Glenn is a professional football player. Like Matt, he is not looking for a relationship because he is very busy building his career. He has kicked for some 10+ NFL teams in the last eight years or so, and he can name them all! Photographic memory? Not so fast. He fails to mention that he was let go from many of those teams before the seasons began. He also fails to mention playing for the Amsterdam Admirals. Anyway, he favors a porkpie hat and wants to become a model. Seems like a logical career choice for a 31-year-old busy businessman.

Special guest stars on the episode include Jesus and Gregg Asher. Mentions of church, church camp, and crosses make appearances throughout the episode. Gregg Asher shows up at Tara’s house in an outfit that is so not Gregg. You know that scene in Clueless on the tennis court when Amber says of Ty’s outfit, “She could be a farmer in those clothes”? Yeah, it wasn’t that bad. But it wasn’t Gregg.

On to the last featured player: Neill, a 23-year-old single mom with a son named Major, whom she calls “Maje.” Of being a single mother, she says, “It’s fun. It’s hard, but it’s fun!” about 50 times. (Fifty bucks says she said that the night Maje was conceived.)

It seems Neill tried to make it in LA, but after toiling there for years and years and years, when she turned 23, she decided to try making it in Dallas. In addition to being a friend of Matt’s, she’s a singer. Guess what? Courtney is a friend of Matt’s, and she’s a singer, too.

Courtney obviously hates Neill.

In addition to committing the crimes of singing and friending Matt, Neill has gone out to dinner on a Wednesday night when she’s a mother!  “She needs to be home with her child!” Courtney cries to everyone in the restaurant. (Luckily, that’s just the six of them.) When the other folks try to reason with her—inform her that mothers do in fact go out every single day, explain what “nannies” and “babysitters” are, and so forth—Courtney counters that she doesn’t understand why anyone would leave their baby alone to spend time with these strangers on a Wednesday night.

She has a point. I’m not sure anyone should spend time with these strangers on any night. But we will persevere!

72 comments on “Most Eligible Dallas: Episode One Recap

  1. Perfect review! Unfortunately this show depicts Dallas perfectly…self-absorbed people who thing they are God’s gift to the world! You forgot to mention Matt was the third string quarterback for Texas (and probably never even played a down) and was arrested while at UT for assault. Nice group of people. The ratings next week will at least drop by one.

  2. I freaking love this article! I tried to post a comment to Courtney’s blog post on the Bravo site but it didn’t get published. Go figure. She kept repeating how ‘real’ they are and how ‘real’ their issues are. I wonder if the real issue will be that the token gay gets his period from his lady shots or if the man groomed for perfection grooms a personality. What is attractive about an orange bald dude in a fedora? Thank you Laura.

  3. I love Dallas and have been there many times. I also am a fan of a lot of the shows on Bravo. I was very surprised at the cast of this show though… Conceited, spoiled and not attractive 30 something’s (questionable) that have no clue what is going on in the real world. All they do is drink and drive while looking for their next hook-up. Bravo needs to step it up and stop remaking shows (Miami Social) that failed in the first place. Laura your recap was dead on and thanks for the laughs!

  4. Well done, Laura! Loved the review! It was several days before I forced myself to watch it if for no other reason than to see shots of the city. Nordgren will never be anything but a failed UT quarterback. I speak for at least some UT alums when I say that he garners zero respect. As for the rest? At least Drew is somewhat amusing, if not goofy. Glenn? Bwahahahahahaha! Seriously? And the women bore me except for Courtney who makes a great whiner. Yes, moms are allowed to go out — it’s not like she’s leaving Maje (again…bwahahahahaha!) alone or with some random 15 year old babysitter. Wasn’t it with the grandparents? Critical much, Courtney? Wait till you’re finally a mom and see how nice it is to break out even for something as ordinary as a book club or bunko.

    Didn’t record this week’s episode. Just don’t care.

  5. These “people” are a total embarrassment to my city! Grow up and get over yourselves losers! Who the hell do they think they are?

  6. I didn’t think it was possible for Bravo to get any lamer. How pathetic is THIS show? All I needed to see were the commercials for it and I was finished with it. The dumbing down of America.

  7. This review is the best I’ve read yet. Couldn’t agree more. If these are Dallas’s MOST eligible, the other singles in Dallas have serious concerns. And I don’t really want to be embarrassed to say I’m from Dallas or have people in other parts of the country think that’s a truly representative sample. You did forget to mention how Barbie’s grandma (aka Tara…forgot her name until I read this article) looks like she’s 45 approaching 50. When I read the bios for this show and saw her picture, I wondered why they were putting an old person on the show when it was supposed to be about YOUNG singles…buuuut it turns out she’s only 37…let that be a lesson to those of you who like botox, don’t go overboard.
    And like you said about Drew… couldn’t imagine C Sewells children embarrassing the name like that, but then again I don’t get the feeling they’d be classless enough to do this type of show…

  8. Please people chill, I am happy to be on the tv and envied by all of you. However what you dont know is I am bi sexual, I planned the whole show, and I have a child out of wedlock also, that I have never seen( research that E channel get some scoop on me ) . I do not tell peple the real truth because it will eventually all come out to haunt me. I am comfortable now admitting I needed the show and exposure to get over letting women down, never playing ball and being a fake or a trapped gay man . I chose Ginsburg because I find him attractive, all the other attendees on my show are merely characters to keep it alive.I do want to make in Hollywood and I hope no matter what my sexual preference is or how I treat these trashy girls that someone will employee me and take me under their agents wing. Hook em Horns

    Leave a Reply

  9. This show provides the final evidence that armageddon will not be ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but by an army of Blonde, Tanned, and Obnoxious status-seekers. Will the West Village zombies and the Victory Park-tards ever realize that no matter how many Louboutin shoes and Vuitton bags they buy, Dallas will never be LA? Tune in next week to listen to Courtney throw a hissy fit over her missing martini olive at Ocean Prime! In the meantime, let’s hope Anonymous hits Cynthia’s Oh So Obsequious blog with a denial-of-service attack. Then we can party like it’s 1999. *shaka shaka*

  10. Hey “john holmes’ package”,
    Your issue with this show is that it isn’t loaded with stereotypes like you: bigoted, racist, homophobes?

    Know where that “handle” you call yourself has been?

    Sorry you didn’t make the cut. Apparently, even Bravo has standards, low as they may be.

  11. Does anyone believe these people are for real? No one with class talks about how much money they have, no one dyes their hair that bleached blonde and people from Dallas do have accents!! I don’t know where this Courtney comes from but she does not have an accent and she is despicable!

  12. I think as christians we need to remember that we are to be set apart from the world. I think the above explantion describes it perfectly. We are light and stuff like that is dark. As a believer I want to fill my head with God and His word. Our hearts are wicked and we need to guard it. It is easy to fall into the cares of this world. Lord forgive us for straying from You

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  14. Today, I was at the grocery store when a cute guy who I had been checking out for a couple of weeks asked me out. I got all dressed up, but he ended up taking me to Hooters and then hit on our waitress the entire evening. FML

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